All Journal Entries Journals

It's all gone to sh!t again :-(

Mar 19, 2009 - 6 comments










I was just getting relaxed into the fact that our marriage was getting back on track.  Initially I was a bit nervous, on edge, when we started being a couple again, but after a couple of months of things going well, I was feeling more relaxed, happy, confident that we were on track and had a future.  My wife had also been telling me that she felt things were going well, she was happy and enjoying being with me.  It all felt good.

We had a deal.  I don't expect most people, even most people on this forum, would agree with this or even really understand it, so I hadn't mentioned it before, but here it is.  The deal was that she could occasionally have sex with other guys.  The conditions were, that it was JUST sex, no emotional content to it, no "relationship"; also she had to tell me when she did it.  She's got a particular thing she's into; I enjoy it too occasionally, and was very happy to do this with her, but for her it's a really important ingredient, while it's not such a big thing for me.  She wanted to explore this with other guys who were also into it.  There was never going to be any emotional content to it for her - it was more like going to play tennis, you need a partner to do it with, it's good to do with someone you get on with, but she'd be no more "involved" with the partner than she is with friends at her tennis club.  I'm not jealous of her tennis partners, so I shouldn't be jealous of this.

I can't pretend I was particularly happy about this deal, even though the reciprocal arrangement was also there, that I had permissions to have sex with someone else if I wanted, but I didn't want, so that deal didn't really give me much.  But I was prepared to give this deal a try, to try and be OK about it and deal with it and accept it.  I wanted to find a way that our marriage could work, could survive - I could see she had this urge, and if she just stifled it there would be a build-up of unhappiness and resentment and feeling like she wasn't free to be herself within the marriage and the marriage would collapse anyway.  It was supposed to be about respecting each other, thinking of each other as totally free individuals who choose to share their lives, but respect each others individuality and freedoms.

Like I said, I don't expect most, or even any, person reading this to understand, but I wanted at least to try living this way, to give it a chance, to see if our marriage could work this way.

For a couple of months she didn't actually take advantage of the deal anyway (at least as far as I knew).  Then Monday last week she told me that she'd arranged to meet someone later in the week.  OK, so she was keeping her end of the bargain, she was being honest with me about it, so my part of the deal was to try and be OK about it.  She spent Friday night with the guy, and it wasn't easy, but I coped OK with it, and I welcomed her back the next morning, and we hugged, and it was OK.

She was out the next night, having dinner with a friend and staying over so she could drink.  Then on Monday night she said she was spending the evening with another friend, then last night with a different friend, both times coming back very late.  That was too much, so I asked her this morning whether she had really been to see these friends, or whether she'd been spending the evening with the same guy again.  She'd been seeing him.  She hadn't even gone over to her friends first.  She'd broken the deal about being honest with me about it.

Then she really hit me with it - she told me that she couldn't keep up being a couple with me.  She'd been trying to make it work, but it felt like she was acting a role with me, she was making an effort to make it work, it wasn't coming naturally.  She doesn't want to keep doing that.  She doesn't want us to be together any more.

She said that this was unrelated to her seeing this other guy, but it's too much of a co-incidence for that to be true.  Also, she's been with him 3 or 4 times in the last 6 days, and even when she's come back later at night she's been spending at least 4 or 5 hours with him, and that's too long for them to have been having sex all that time.  So there's got to be more going on.

I really don't know what to do with myself now.  I'm sitting at work, but I can't work.  I'm shaking.  I sort-of know who the guy is - I found out that she belongs to a web community, and she met him through this community, so I know what his username is and those details about himself that he put on his homepage (scarily he sounds very like me, in terms of job, height, looks, build, views on the world etc.).  I took out a membership on the website and right now there's a seriously vitriolic hate message I've written to him, and I can't make up my mind whether to hit "send" or not.  I know it won't do any good, but there's something in me that wants to do it anyway.  I really want to rip his ****ing throat out.

I've called my counsellor, but she can't see me until next Wednesday.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I need something now.  Hence me pouring this all out here - it's the only place I've got.

Even now, if I could save my marriage, I would.  I still love her, she means the world to me.  We get on really well, we have fun together, we enjoy each others' company, we are good parents together, we have fun when we go out together, we like lots of the same things, we have a similar sense of humour - we are really far better together, much better friends, than a huge number of couples who still manage to stay married.  We have 3 great kids, and I want us to bring them up together.  In the last month or two we've been making plans for the future - buying a new car, re-decorating parts of the house, planning for her to return to studying when our youngest starts school next year so she can build a new career.  I still want that future.

I have done absolutely everything I can to make this marriage work.  I have been as respectful, and considerate, and generous as anyone could be.  I've accepted her for who she is, and accomodated that, and even agreed to this "deal", as hard as that has been for me.  I just don't know where to go from here.  I don't know what else I can do now.

OK, I'm going to shut up now.  I'm not getting anywhere, I'm not feeling any better.  I don't think anything can make me feel better.  Sod it, I'm going to send that message.  I doubt that will make me feel any better either, but I want to do it.

Sorry everyone for dumping all my sh!t on you.

Post a Comment
Avatar universal
by sammy73, Mar 19, 2009
Actually, you know what else?  Tuesday was my birthday.  She went out Monday night, and didn't come back until 3:30 in the morning.  She spent the first 3 1/2 hours of my birthday f***ing someone else.  And lied to me about it.  And deep down, I spent all my birthday knowing that, although it wasn't actually confirmed until this morning.

F***ing magic.

145992 tn?1341348674
by mami1323, Mar 19, 2009
Oh sammy, I'm so sorry you have gone through this.  I do think you're right though, I think this guy is and was the reason why your wife is now singing a different tune.  I highly doubt that  she was faking it all this time because honestly if it wasn't real then she wouldn't have made future plans with you.  She would have said things like, let's see what happens or time will tell but not really do things.  I know how angry you are with the other person, lord knows I know exactly how easy it is to take out your anger on the other person and not on the one person you love.  I would say not to send it but if it was me, I would send it any way.  Just to let the other person know how I feel about them.  Not that it would make any difference to them but it may make you feel like you can get your feelings out and you're not holding them in.  You should tell her to exactly how you feel.  She should know that what she did was disgusting.  Why play with your emotions like that?  Give you hope when she knew deep down that there wasn't any?  That is not something you do to someone you love.  She seems so narcissistic.  I'm sorry if I'm talking down about your wife.  I know you still love her and don't appreciate my words but I think that the way she's treated you and is treating you is downright nasty.  It's one thing to leave a marriage because you are unhappy but it's another thing to play games with someone's heart.  Yes I know she felt abandoned all these years and as if she didn't have a life and you held her back from those things....blah blah blah.  Then end the marriage if you are that unhappy.  Don't go around screwing random men and lying repeatedly.  Also, why does not being able to be an individual mean that you have to have sex with a bunch of people?  Why can't it mean taking a cooking class or learning how to make pottery?  It's just extremely selfish and hurtful.  I don't know if I've made you feel better or worse, I just don't know exactly what to say to make this better for you.  You will just have to go through the motions.  I think the best thing you can do is think about yourself now.  Not about trying to win her back.  She's made it pretty clear that she's not willing to try.  I'm so sad for you, I thought things were going to get better.  I guess one thing you learned is never allow someone to do something in a relationship that you're not 100% comfortable.  Because you give up a piece of yourself that should never been given up in the first place.  It's different if you were happy with an "open" marriage but it was more on her then on you and in the long run, I think you would've felt very short changed.  That other relationship won't last sammy, she will get bored and repeat the same pattern of behavior with this guy.  Unless this guy is into swinging as well.  I wish I had answers for you but I don't.  I can just be here to support you.  For now just take it one day at a time because that's all you can do.  Hugs to you.

796506 tn?1370191905
by nickieb85, Mar 19, 2009
Ive been in the same situation. I know that you love your wife but sometimes if the other person involved doesnt want to be involved anymore.... I would recommend seeing a therapist with or with out her. You have to be strong. Its hard.

Avatar universal
by sammy73, Mar 19, 2009
Thanks mami.  I know there's not much anyone can say right now to help me feel better, and I'm not really looking for any advice.  Just having someone listen to (or rather read) what I've got to say, and offer me sympathy, means a lot to me right now.  Without this I feel like I've got no-one to turn to, at least until I can see my counsellor on Wednesday.

I sent the message.  I've no doubt I'll probably regret sending it, I knew that as I hit the send message, but I just had to do it.

145992 tn?1341348674
by mami1323, Mar 19, 2009
You know maybe you won't regret it because honestly I wished I was able to vent more of my anger to Richie's s!utbag, and still feel the need to express my anger.  But it's too late now, 7 months is a long time and she's moved on with her life.  No point now, but I still feel like I could've told her more about how I felt about her.  I was just in shock and didn't know what to say.  After I hung up with her I was like, why didn't I say this or that?  So maybe you were able to get rid of a lot of anger.  Some will say misplaced, it should be on your wife or it should be on Richie but when you love someone it's easier to blame the other person.  Again, hope you can get through this.  Counselor's are never around when you need them right?

152852 tn?1205717026
by Agiesmom, Mar 19, 2009
I'm sorry, Sammy.  I think she needs a lot of help--help you can't give her and help she obviously isn't interested in getting.

I hope you don't make this nice and easy and bend over backwards for her.  You don't have to be mean or angy, but If she wants to break up your family, she should be the one to leave it and give things up--not you.  The kids shouldn't be shuffled back and forth--they should stay with you.  Maybe focusing your efforts on keeping them happy will help you through this.

Stay strong.

Post a Comment