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Update: 12/05/13

May 12, 2013 - 0 comments

Mom has been at the grandparents for almost 2 weeks. I miss her so much. It's not the same without her.
I can't believe things got so bad to the point that my grandfather and father got into it and my grandfather was arrested and charged with assult. The court date is for the end of the month and my father, my grandfather and my two sisters as well as my mother have to attend because the were key witnesses. Thank God I wasen't home. I probably would have had a panic attack and fainted. I was told it got very rough.
I sent her flowers today for mothers day. I told her to stay strong. She's having a rough time. My dad kicked her out the house. Now there is a restraining order.
I have to face the fact that she will not be coming home.
I still haven't tried to move out which was my original plan. I only get so much from disability per month and I need to save. I'm still waiting for a call from housing to see if they can help me out with first and last rent.
I haven't seen my mom in a few days and she wants to see us for mothers day. I miss her alot.
Im still smoking. I don't know if im doing it because im so stressed or because im just doing it just to do it.
Panic attacks have been HORRIFIC. Mainly at night.
Im still weening of my Valium. Next week I go down a half completly. It's kind of scary.
Hmm what else. Been seeing my phychiatrist for 5 months now and I love her but im still not opening up as much but I will in time. Once a month isnt cutting it though. I wish I could see her once every two weeks or something.
I almost relapsed two weeks ago. I broke a mirror with all intention of slicing my wrists open. I didn't. I immediatly called my local crisis line and they talked me down and I calmed down. My dad proceeded to remove all the glass from my room. I can't believe I got through that because I really really miss self harming. Even when I'm having a panic attack.|
My complusions are still annoying me. But I guess I'll have to work on them. I could possibly start looking into my OCD workbook again.
Still haven't been in public much so the agoraphobia is still active that's for sure.
I don't want to be living like this forever but I seem to have NO motivation what so ever.

My period is due in 4 days which means many panic attacks and depression.
Im actually considering going on birth control, besides my fear of gaining weight.

So that's it for now. I'm probably forgetting something but I think i've pretty much cleared it up.

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