Mar 30, 2008
I have a condition that makes me sensitive to others and I don't know what it is lol. But, it also gets me in trouble. How am I supposed to be anyone but who I am? I have suppressed who I am for so long now, that I have become isolated and hurt even more but I don't know how to get back. When I was little I knew I was different from everyone else. I remember always being picked on and teased. I remember being a loner and playing by myself on the playground, but I didn't understand. I still really don't understand. I know there has to be a great number of wonderful people out there. I have been so hurt for so long, that I don't know how to trust like I used to. I used to trust anyone, to the point of foolishness. I used to talk to anyone about anything and this was how I was since I was very small. I talk a lot and always have, and have been ridiculed or judged because of it. Now, I feel that because of it there is something wrong with me rather than there being something right. Deep in my heart I know that whatever caused me to be an outcast as a child, to be clumsy then and clumsier now, to have bad coordination, to be sickly, etc...has really shaped how I am today. See, I write my feelings out on paper and I still am talkative, but I don't even bother making friends in person anymore because people don't understand me. I have OCD or obsessive traits, but I think it goes deeper than this. I have always cared about other people more than I have really ever cared about myself for the most part. I always try so hard to be polite, and don't ever want to hurt or offend anyone. Of course, I am so far from perfect and screw this up all the time, but I really do give it my all. I have only been using the internet for two months again. For a long time , I didn't hardly leave my room because it was too hard for me to even sit, or even type. I am an island unto myself or however the saying goes. I have a husband whom I love dearly , but I still feel like an outcast. Why am I like this? Why at 31, do I not even know why I am dealing with all that I am dealing with. I guess it doesn't really matter...but knowing why would help at least a little. Not knowing is the hardest thing for me to accept.