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battle inside

May 25, 2013 - 10 comments

I'm not handling things very well after my drs appointment yesterday. He hit me with reality.

For many years, while my number one priority was to get high, I ignored the symptoms I was having with my health.  If I didn't think about it it would go away.

Now that I have been sober and could actually start feeling again I noticed my symptoms getting worst.

Long story short. I had a laparoscopy surgery (a girl thing). The dr found massive scar tissue and adhesions all throughout my girly parts. Diagnosed me with severe endometriosis. Ranked me n the rare percentile of women who have this type of endo. Which is 15% of women in america. He also said its very rare for someone like my age to have it thus bad.

Yesterday I was officially given 3 options. I don't want to pick any one of them for I don't like the outcome of them. Each outcome is no kids. Which my chances for having kids is very slim right now.

I'm scarred BC I have to make a big life desicion.

The battle I've been fighting is I can't accept any of this. I do have to make a choice soon b4 it progresses further and leads to more serious conditions.

I share this story in hopes of helping someone who is in the mix of their addiction that each day use u r destroying ur body and possibly taken off years of ur life. Plz think about that.

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Avatar universal
by 10356, May 25, 2013
Ah Ang...

I'm so very sorry to read this, my heart just broke the further I read.. You have 3 options? can you share? My Daughter can not have children although she can carry a child with a donated egg.. I do not know the heartbreak personally but I was there to comfort my Daughter when she learned the depth of her diagnosis.. it is not the same as yours but has the same outcome. I'm so very sorry.. If for any reason you need to talk I'm right here. love with hugs, lesa

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by ang_811, May 25, 2013
Its crazy. How can u miss something u never had? I'm grieving over this just like I lost something close to me. The mental fog is ridiculous.

My 3 options is 1. A shot which is like a chemo type treatment my Dr told me. But I can't b on it for a long time and when I get off of it my endo will come back. 2. Partial hysterectomy and 3 total hysterectomy.

Fighting our disease, fighting depression, and fighting my daily sickness is really waring me out mentally.



Avatar universal
by 10356, May 25, 2013
You are loosing something close to you.. your dreams since you were a lil girl are be rearranged.

We can not look to the past for what we failed to do my friend. Only as a warning for those following.. What matters is what you do today. I would suggest maybe speaking to a Therapist just to get your feelings out there. A partial hysterectomy you would not go into menopause, I would think that would be the better option although this does not stop the lesions :( right now saving you is the most important, then we figure out the rest.. Sometimes you just have to trust that it will all work out... I do know you can not go on like this as I bleed very heavy in the end of my illness..
Once you deal with all of this take some comfort that your body will feel better You will have more energy Right now your hormones are all out of balance due to all of this and living with pain is exhausting in itself.. When we deal with things emotionally we also feel better after. You will not always feel depressed Ang there are other reasons contributing to this. There is Sunshine at the end of your road, You are getting closer although it does not feel like it..

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by ariley13, May 25, 2013
I feel for you. I am in the same boat. I am 33 and in desperate need of a hysterectomy. I have always wanted children and never been able to conceive. I think I keep putting off the surgery because if they do it there is zero chance for a baby ever. I know how it feels to mourn something that you don't have. You will be in my thoughts and I'll even say a prayer or two for you. Hang in there and try to keep your head up.

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by ang_811, May 25, 2013
Lesa.. I can't tell u how much that meant to me.

I got home from work and when I sat down n relaxed I felt free and light. Then it hit me and it hit me hard. Everything was taken from me. The pain, the guilt, the anger towards myself, the depression n anxiety was all gone.i cried n relief. Then the answer came to me of what my desicion should b and that was to go for the partial hysterectomy. I got on here n read what u wrote and that gave me more assurance of what my desicion should b. So Ty . :)



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by ang_811, May 25, 2013
Ariley....believe things happen for a reason. A lot was revealed to me tonight as if I saw a glimpse into the future. I believe in my heart I'm to adopt and possibly save a child.

Just know I'm there with u also and I understand.


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by VICourageous, May 26, 2013
Hi Ang--I know just what you are going through..Even if I have had used off & on since I was 14..I found out in the 80 that I could not have kids. Told my little brother and he said he would have about 10 and give me a few..he died 2 weeks later..I went just nuts for a many, many years..Should of got help..So in the 90s my pain got bad because I to had the endometriosis and other issues. That is when it stared my opiate addiction that got me to go up to the Methadone..As time went on the hurt feeling of never having kids got lighter..But it still cuts like a knife here and there..Could of changed my whole life..So now they do have way better technology on all of this..They can do artificial insert and so forth..make sure you get maybe more then one opinion on this issue..I knew a lot of woman who had all of this too! When they gave up that is when they ended up PG..So keep up the Faith there will be something that will happen..Yes adopt if possible too! There are millions of children that need a good loving home..I will pray for you and I just have a lot of Faith that you will end up PG..OK Bless You!

Avatar universal
by 10356, May 26, 2013
I'm glad Ang that you feel a lil more settled inside.. Sometimes we just have to do the hardest thing of all and just trust it will all work out in the end.. hugs

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by ang_811, May 29, 2013
Before I go thru with this I'm going for a third opinion at john Hopkins. A lot of people don't have a lot of trust n these drs where I live. Including myself. I've experienced bad desicions by drs that effected a life of someone close to me....I'm really lucky to live so close to john Hopkins as its the best hospital n the world. Time to take advantage of it. At least I'll b 100% sure they know what they r talking bout n i will b more comfortable n making a desicion

1253584 tn?1332877954
by ang_811, May 29, 2013
Before I go thru with this I'm going for a third opinion at john Hopkins. A lot of people don't have a lot of trust n these drs where I live. Including myself. I've experienced bad desicions by drs that effected a life of someone close to me....I'm really lucky to live so close to john Hopkins as its the best hospital n the world. Time to take advantage of it. At least I'll b 100% sure they know what they r talking bout n i will b more comfortable n making a desicion

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