Jun 07, 2013
What comes to mind about yesterday is she wants to control me.
How dare I get a drink because I'm thirsty?!
She lied when she said she assumed "I" had gone home (projection?)...even heard the lie in her voice.
Normally a person who wasn't sure where the other was (I am crippled I can't zombie off far!) would stay by that person's car, wouldn't they?
I'm thinking it made her enraged that I wasn't in the car store itself but temporarily next door (buying a drink) because SHE WANTED ME THERE at the car store. I'm thinking she left the house in a bad mood. And I'm always the one who gets it.
I've driven her places including medical visits and waited patiently and friendly. I don't mind.
It hurt me that she didn't want to wait for me, spend some time with me, she hardly does...and then was so mean afterwards. Transferring her bad temper onto me...I wasn't angry, I was upset. Wouldn't you be if your mother or family member treated you this way?
By the way: Didn't she worry if I had fallen or come to some mishap?!
Today she is out, I don't know where. We have an arrangement that we tell one another where we are, as it is just the two of us - she's old (76) and I've mobility / chronic pain problems. Isn't that what normal caring people do? She knows - I've told her a few times - I worry about her if I don't know where she is. She is not in the best of health herself, aside from her age. When she's angry (at me) she doesn't let me know.
One time, last year, she went for a dog walk but didn't come home for 4 hours. Can you imagine how worried I was? Turned out she was wandering around in the dark in the streets here, got talking to someone - anyone but me to talk to. My chronic pain was even worse then, at the point of leaving the house to drive round in my car to search for her, she came home. Not a word. No regard for my feelings. Yeah, it's all about her. And I'm the Bad Daughter.
Turn yesterday's scenario around. She is in chronic pain, can't walk far and with difficulty - I am in a vile mood. I still couldn't have done what she did to me. I couldn't do that to anyone, let alone to my disabled daughter. I would have worried where she was. Waited by her car. She is not some dog to sit obediently and wait until I say otherwise...
I think what about if SHE were to lose her mobility LIKE ME? It could happen in her advancing years. Then she will get a taste of what it is TRULY like for me, and others like me. (Yes, I am aware there are others with more problems, but believe me not being able to properly walk and be without pain is a living hell).
But you know what? if it would some day be the other way round with her having extreme mobility problems and I wasn't sure where she was, I wouldn't go home. Not even after all the emotional abuse she's dished out to me over the years.