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So you wanna kill yourself...

Jul 03, 2013 - 16 comments


Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this; You come home from school one day. You've had yet another horrible day. You're just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you've written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last t...ime. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don't answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you're asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She's screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that "Mommy is crying and sissy won't wake up." Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what's going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there's an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they've said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can't help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can't handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They're sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She's in shock. She can't believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad... Bad enough for you to end it. She can't cry, she can't feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It's a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone's crying, your little brother still doesn't know you killed yourself, he's too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn't stop for days. It's two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn't know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn't succeed like you did, but she tried...your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don't just effect you. They effect everyone. Don't end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can't get better if you give up. I'm here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we've NEVER talked before, i'm here for you.  -  By Will Smith

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by VICourageous, Jul 03, 2013
Wow Blu, this is really, really, really good. So True!  Thanks! I am stunned at the truth of it.

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by BluCrystal, Jul 03, 2013
You are very welcome... I found it on facebook and though this should be available here, should anyone need this type of help.  Will Smith is a very intelligent person, and I am grateful that he has shared this with the world.  I just hope the MODS let me keep it posted.  Blessings - Blu

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by VICourageous, Jul 03, 2013
I sure hope they will too. It does not give any names and it is a eye opener for many. Including myself..Thanks!

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by clean_in_ks, Jul 03, 2013
Blu....thank you for posting this.  Now that I'm not opiate-numbed....when something deeply touches my soul....I get goose bumps (or chill bumps if you're from the South) all over my body.  I also get those goose bumps when the Holy Spirit is working inside of me.  

This account by Will Smith absolutely had me thanking God that I didn't go thru with suicide one or more times I had had
the thought while using.  I could see no way out at times....but that was a drug saturated brain having those thoughts.
I think it's important to acknowledge that hopelessness...and that you don't have to be a "certain kind" of person to have those thoughts.

I highly doubt the mods will remove is is IMPORTANT to know this if we are sick and weary.

I never had those thoughts again....once the drugs were not controlling my mind....and for that, I am truly grateful~

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by BluCrystal, Jul 03, 2013
GOOD.  This is exactly what I was hoping for!!! :-)  I see that it is helpful, and that's wonderful.  A side-note: if anyone feels they want to copy and paste this message for anyone, feel free, just make sure our 'Wise One' Will Smith gets credit for writing it. Blessings to All - Blu

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by Overwhelmed10, Jul 05, 2013
Oh my gosh Blu, thank you for posting mind has wandered to that dark place several times this year after losing some family members....but I have  a little one that needs me and my life is responsible for taking care of her and leading her through life.  Leaving her would be so selfish...and would hurt my mom so much...I've ran through all these same thoughts.  It hurts so many people.  Awesome post.  Thank you!

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by EvolverU, Jul 05, 2013
Very Powerful. There's nothing more jarring & heartbreaking than suicides. I've lived through several & the devastation they wreak is like nothing else. We need this to stay on the site. Thank you, Blu!

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by BluCrystal, Jul 05, 2013
You are ALL welcome.  Blessings to you, every one. - Blu

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by LindaTX, Jul 06, 2013
Blu, you've done a great service posting this.  I think anyone would benefit from reading this.  Thank you,
Your friend, Linda

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by remar, Jul 06, 2013
I really hope this post stays up. If it saves one life it means everything in the world. Many of us have had these thoughts and been in that dark place. And, many of us have either dealt with losing a loved one to suicide or been through attempted suicides with loved ones.
Thank you Blu.

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by BluCrystal, Jul 06, 2013
Thank you, Linda and Remar.  I must say that Remar has given the best definition of how I feel about this.  If I just save ONE, with Will Smith's words, I will have done my service.

Avatar universal
by mandy876, Jul 07, 2013
I love this post it touches the heart and the soul.  wish this could stay posted.  it is a fabulous syory.  could help a bunch of people.  mandy876

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by Nitsuj242, Jul 07, 2013
This is very a good precise example of what the reality is of suicide. Thank you very much for posting this. It sadly seems people don't seem to think about what the impact of doing this can have while they are dealing with w/e it is making them want to go through with it or actually do it. I had dealt with a tragic unexpected loss as a child with my childhood friend named T.J. Baesmann. We had no idea what was going on with him. Exactly like this story he had came home from school. He told his older brothers he was going up to his room to do his homework. He never came back down. His brother Chris went up to get him for dinner and found him with a belt around his neck unconscious. With no idea what had happened I was confused and frightened looking out the window as a Life Flight helicopter landing in our field with police officers throwing flares down in our front field. We got a call from his family. He had been rushed to Ohio State University Hospital where he was put in ICU. He was pronounced permanently brain dead then they decided to pull the plug on him at only 11 years old. It effected everyone in the town. The whole town basically showed up. I had shut down psychologically and went from being a happy god loving child to being traumatically devastated even now am continually going down a deep dark road of severe depression, anxiety, anger, became an athiest filled with resentment and an almost permanent sense of grief.... a void left that can't seem to be filled. It's never the answer. It is said that those who commit suicide will most definitely get a ticket straight to hell or be stuck in their own hell of having to relive their suicide carrying the same exact baggage that made them do it over and over again for eternity. If only he would have reached out and talked about what was going on with someone. On a positive note awhile after that had happened i'm taking an open minded look and remembering that it seems T.J. had visited me in my sleep riding up on a Big Wheel or a Tricycle with a big smile on his face. I can only hope that meant he was forgiven and given another chance that it means things aren't so black and ugly.  There is always hope and no one truly knows what good things can pop up around the corner when they're least expecting them too. Stay strong and keep fighting.

1696489 tn?1370825574
by BluCrystal, Jul 07, 2013
Thank you for your posts, Mandy and Mrscared.

Mrscared, this part is for you: TJ Baemann is in Heaven.  I know it like I know I have two feet.  I do NOT beleive, for one second, that suicides go to hell.  They hurt too much.  They are literally screaming for Our Father to make them feel better.  And He DOES.  Our Father is a loving Father who does not ignore the cries of his children, ESPECIALLY the ones who are wounded so deepy that they are willing to seek Him out on their own, through suicide.  This is just my opinion, and my beleif.  I do not expect anyone to agree with it.  Blessings - Blu

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by Nitsuj242, Jul 07, 2013
You are very welcome and thank you. That is a very beautiful and positive outlook. You really gave me a completely different perspective. That is VERY open minded! :) It seems like people have made things seem so fire and brimstone or black and white in the way of these things. The more I think about things with a more open mind and positive happier outlook it seems you would be 100 percent right. I do not believe that God intended for things to become so black and white...that he is very understanding, loving and lenient. :) It seems sadly some people over time have taken it to an extreme and have blown things out of context which I do not believe he intended for it to have become. Again that is a very good open minded outlook. :) Thank you so much. You really made my day with this. It feels as if you helped to further heal this wound that this loss had created.

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by fpscared, Jul 16, 2013
This is so sad and yet so very very true. A friend of my family's just committed suicide a few weeks ago he shot himself in the stomach three times. No one found him until three days later, he was an older man probably in his mid 60's. His family won't even have a service for him because they are catholic and they don't believe in suicide. I wish he could have read this. Or that he would of reached out for some kind of help..... THANK YOU

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