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"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." - Aristotle

Apr 17, 2009 - 6 comments

Since I've made it this momentous occasion of 2 years clean - I felt a journal entry was in order. It's officially been 2 years since the last time I got high. It still seems crazy even to me and I've lived it. Knowing what a hopeless junkie and powerful con artist I once was, really not that long ago, going to the woman I am today - it just proves that miracles do happen and that a power greater than us is at work amongst us. I remember so vividly, a little over 2 years ago right before my last stint in detox I said to someone that this was the end of the road for me. I was gonna try and get clean this one last time and if I couldn't do it I was going to end my life. Not wanting to live in the endless cycle of disappointment, shame and overall pain anymore. Everyone I knew had given up on, nobody trusted me, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, just opening my eyes again every day was a nightmare. I didn't belong anywhere and had nothing even resembling a life. I was a zombie with no hope and no will to live, my only driving force to feed that monster living inside me. And for whatever reason, all the stars aligned just right, I finally heard what people with experience had been telling me all along, and I was motivated by this sick sense of desperation I'd never felt before. That desperation is what drove me for a long time. Unfortunately, that desperation also drove me into the loving arms of suboxone.... which I've had a love/hate relationship with (mostly hate), I do credit it for a portion of my success thus far (as well as STRESS!!) Many people frown upon my choice of recovery, many people even say I'm not actually clean, some have even had the ballls to question my motives, integrity and experience. To all of you haters who doubt me, call me names and try to put me down - you cannot damage my recovery and you will never damage me as a person. I did what I had to do to get where I am, and I will not apologize for being driven. My experiences have made me who I am and thanks to these experiences - good bad, otherwise - I now have the ability to help other people. All things happen for a reason and perhaps part of my purpose for going thru these things is to help someone else. I am not perfect, I do not have all the answers, helll I don't even have half the answers - I don't pretend to be what I'm not. I speak from my own experience and knowledge... love me or hate me, I'll still do what I do and anyone who doesn't like it... well you're just gonna have to deal with it!!

I still have bad days, I still get caught up in drama, I still wallow and throw pity-parties... being clean doesn't mean super-human or unaffected. Being clean means better able to deal with these situations and life in general. It means I can look at myself in the mirror now, I can fall asleep at night with a clear conscious and a clear head and I actually live now. Granted it's a low-key life! but after years of fast paces and constantly running and juggling - low key is nice!! I am nothing like the girl I was 2 years ago and the transformation, even to my eyes, is just nutty. And although my journey is still beginning, I've barely made baby steps out of the starting gate, I feel like I'm off to a pretty good start. With the continued love and support of my family, a belief in myself, and of course - my great friends here (love you guys!!) I know I will continue to grow and change into the woman I was always meant to be.

I've worked hard to get where I am and I paid alot of my dues early in life. I've learned many things, especially over the last year. Most importantly I've learned that things in life are transient. Problems, issues, drama, feelings, situations... it's all fleeting. And if we could all just slow down to see that... life would be easier for all of us.

I'm setting goals for myself this year - big and small - and I feel like I have learned the tools to be successful. I just need to put them to practice and maintain my focus. I'm proud of myself, and saying that is intense. I've done alot of growing up and learning about myself. I've always been a strong person to an extent but now I'm secure in my strength and even stronger. (Being able to say these things honestly is just nutty!) I know this year will be a struggle, my goal to be off the suboxone is very real and tangible... I know this will be a test. I plan to face it head on and plow thru like the pit bull that I really am! This situation is where my being head-strong will work to my advantage... finally!! lol  This is my no bulllshit year and I know it will pay off.

...Love and laughter...

"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles."

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Avatar universal
by 10356, Apr 17, 2009
Catt I'm so proud of you and your growth is evident.. You are right things in life are transient and where you are at with the sub.. shall soon be fleeting. You are clean You have not gotten high You have not caved to the so well put.. Monster inside us. This journal was made by a woman that is sure she is on her right path.. I'm honored to travel the path along side you.. You have and continue to work the program the sub was set up for.. Have I said I'm proud of You :) Dust to Dust my friend you are on your way 2 Years clean Hot Damn.. luv ya lesa

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by jimi1822, Apr 17, 2009
                                     "Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!!!! Look to this Day!
                                      For it is Life, The very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all
                                      the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of
                                      Growth, The Glory of Action, The splendor of Beauty; for
                                      yesterday is but a Dream, and To-morrow a Vision; But
                                      today well lived makes every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
                                      and every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to
                                      This Day! Such is the Salvation of the Dawn!!!
                                                                                                         ~ Kalidasa, Indian sanskrit, poet,
                                                                                                                           and dramatist 5th century ad

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by j34, Apr 18, 2009
It is only how you feel not by others and am glad to hear that is the way it is with you. congrats again on the clean time cause it is YOUR clean time

Avatar universal
by Whyme1116, Apr 18, 2009
As I've said are my inspiration. You opened up, and shared your expieriences without question. You be-friended me, and I will forever be grateful. Congratulations, and keep going because I am following....I may be 10 steps behind, but with your help, I am moving faster than i ever though possible. Thank you for sharing your journey and inspireing me to keep are such a strong woman! Thank you for taking the time out to help me.....YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!

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by Maggie902, Jun 18, 2009
Amazing. Please forgive me, but I just copied, pasted and will send this journal entry later today (it is now 4 o'clock in the morning) to Ger-Jee for inspiration. You've done so well and are so determined to reach your goals. And because of that, you already succeded. I see a motivated young women who knows who she is and where she is going. My second son, Christian and you are the same age. Ger-Jee is giving small baby steps at the recovery centre. He is in halfway house and is like a child testing  the water with his toes! But he is doing well. The councellors does not want him to be on his own, so he has to stay there for another 3 months and after that can go and live in a flat by himnself. But as Lesa always told him, they also told him to never go back to the place where he started using. Unfortunately that place is here, with us in Brits. 800 kilometers from here. But if that is what it takes for him to stay clean, then that be it. We'll take turns to visit him. One of his goals is also  to give back to the community. I hope and pray that one day he'll be as strong as you to offer hope and advice and his experience to people who thinks everything is lost. He was exactly where you wer. Not wanting to life any more. He has written his life story as well as 60 short stories during the 8 months in SCRC (south coast recovery centre) When I read it, It nearly drove me out of my mind. I knew he lived a scary life with H. But the real facts were terrifying. But it is behind us now. And he is dealing with it. Now he will be OK.  

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by corey411, Jun 18, 2009
Congratulations on making your life work. This is what is important. I was addicted to opiates and bc I am prescribed Klonopin (whick I don't abuse) many people at NA said I should not count clean days. It upset me so bad then. I was only clean for a few weeks. Now, I could care less what anyone else thinks about it...I guess I have grown as well. I think that there are probably many positive Sub stories but we only tend to hear the bad ones. I'm sure you will have no trouble meeting your goals. Corey

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