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Bleh

Apr 18, 2009 - 0 comments
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Yesterday was gorgeous outside.  The weather has been pretty good, so that has lifted my mood a bit.  I told Kristen the next time I see De La Cruz, I'm going to talk to him about adding Abilify to my Lexapro because I shouldn't be this depressed.  

I'm still opening the blinds and trying to get outside if it's nice out.  But I'm still feeling down and lonely.  I don't feel alone - I feel lonely, but when I am in the company of others, I want to be alone.  Especially around R.  She makes me feel like scum.  She makes special effort to let me know that I wear her out, depress and stress her out, doesn't enjoy my company, just mindless.  She doesn't answer my questions.  D is better.  I can impress him a little bit, but like I've mentioned before - Lou has noted that I have D by default.  

It's rough.  D is an abusive alcoholic and basically a jerk.  R is neurotic and childish, harboring co-dependency on D's drinking, her own drinking, excessive smoking, etc. but she does a 360 when Abby is around.  It's like her world has turned into lolly-pops and sunshine.  

She makes me feel horrible.  R's that type of person, where everything is about her when you're confronted by her inquiry as to what's wrong.  Usually it's an emphasis on being annoying and saying, "so much anger" with a bratty tone.  

I am good to R and D.  I don't ask for money, I help them out A LOT, I give R a LOT of hugs and let her know I love her, and D hasn't hounded me too much when he's drunk because I think he's used to my absence in their house.  I am the biggest threat to myself, but as far as other people - D is number three (Abby being number two because I'm weak) with his alcoholism and cruel but true words.  

Abby is a narcissistic mean head.  She instills terror into anyone she comes in contact with.  The reason R and D deemed her my responsibility is because although I can be passive aggressive, I will not tolerate Abby's sh!t.  I really won't put up with a lot of people if they're repetitive.  You know ... I'm a total contradiction.  I'm passive aggressive and painfully shy, but I can be a total witch with sharp words that leave people breathless - sans swearing.  I'm amazing like that, I guess.  :)  

Anyway.  This is one thing about me that you'll notice - I go off on tangents.  Racing thoughts.  If you have BPD I, you know what I'm talking about.  

So I've been feeling blah, lonely, isolating myself, but at the same time, I'm trying not to succumb to these issues.  Of course it's difficult.  Even when I do get out of the house and do stuff to "keep busy" I still feel the same way.  I have a lot of stuff I wanted to do today, but it's Sunday and a lot of places I need to go are closed.  But I suppose that's okay but I need to do a lot of cleaning as well.  

Last night I did laundry at R/D's and I didn't go to bed until 6 this morning.  I'm so tired.  My legs feel weak.  Part of the reason why I was up so late was because of Tena's surprise birthday party.  We were there for a few hours.  Even though R told me she wanted to go to the bay with D, but D wanted to stay for the party, they flipped attitudes at the party.  D wanted to get out and R wanted to stay.  When I drove them home, R had a LOTTTT to drink.  Actually, more than D.  D's drinks are POTENT.  Even a sniff can make you drunk.  

The sadness I'm experiencing is partly from R and D.  The way they're dealing with Beev's Lou Gerhig's and R's fantasy financial issues, as well as having me for a daughter instead of just Abby ... R is smoking and drinking incessantly.  It's hard to watch.  But anyway.  Must return to cleaning.  I need to do something today or I'll continue to feel lonely.

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