Aug 02, 2013
Hi everyone. I joined this community a few days ago after going cold turkey off klonopin 1-2 mgs a day and norco/Percocet (not sure the mgs but was taking between 3-6 every day for several months. I am doing this all alone. I am a single parent to my 8 month old son. I went cold turkey 2 days after kicking my child's father out of my home for emotionally abusing me. I realized I was swallowing handfuls of pills to try and cope with the fact I was being called worthless every day. I have a long and sorted history of mental and sexual abuse. I have PTSD. I have agoraphobia. On the outside looking in I'd say it seemed pretty hopeless- me getting clean, all by myself with no friends, family or spousal support. I am writing this to offer hope to people who think they can't do this. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but it's not impossible!!! I am 16 days clean !! Completely, off everything. I am so proud of myself and and for 2 weeks I did nothing but comb the web for any info on withdrawals that I could find. If your doctors are like mine they have NO IDEA how serious benzo withdrawal is. It's really heartbreaking to me that I asked a million questions about the klonopin - very weary to go on a drug I know millions of people have abused and become dependent on. I was told it was perfectly safe and i could stop it at any time. perfectly safe to stop cold turkey, I may be uncomfortable a few days. I was made to feel like I was weak or pathetic for feeling so bad after trying to quit many, many times.
It would really make my heart soar if someone out there reads this and gets any comfort from it. The only thing that's kept me hopeful is reading a lot of others stories. That this is really difficult but not impossible. The harder something is to do the more pride you'll feel for doing it. I have no encouragement besides this community and my beautiful baby boy. This has been enough for me in the 11th hour. If I can do it anyone can. I've had anxiety my entire life. So bad that when I was little and kids teased me I'd shake. I always felt like a freak for having such deep emotions. At 27 I realize that my compassion and sensitivity does NOT make me weak. It makes me a human being who has feelings. It's okay to do that. It's okay to cry, kick, scream, be upset and LIVE THROUGH IT. You don't have to reach for pills. But I've been on every med you can think of to combat depression/anxiety since I was a little girl so it's no wonder I am in this position. 13 years ago had I leaned to feel what I feel and had healthy coping skills I wouldn't be in this position. I'm sure there are others like me who've just had pills handed to them for years by doctors they trust without a second thought to their safety.
What I've learned about benzo withdrawal has made me sick, and very very thankful I had this epiphany at 27 because I could be dead. So easily. I was playing Russian roulette with my life and I didn't even know it.
So that's my story- now I'd like to share what things have helped me get here 16 days clean! And yesterday I had MY FIRST good day. 15 days of hell seems unbearable, but my 1 good day had made me hopeful enough to know the roughest part of this all may very well be behind me. I'm so happy. I was so terrified I could not do this.
1) it is better to be alone than in bad company. I have had to cut several people out of my life - my mother who was giving me the pain pills, my fiancé who has always treated me terrible. Anyone who could trigger me to use. Yes, you get lonely but I'd rather be lonely and alive then taking pills everyday to cope with emotional abuse. You have to realize that stress is going to make this whole process worse. It's not easy to cut your mother and fiancé out of your life when you're raising a baby alone but you simply cannot handle these types of triggers early in recovery. When I stopped responding to their texts and pleading with me "they'll be different, it's different this time" and just focused on myself and my son this helped tremendously. Free yourself from anyone who doesn't treat you with respect and love.
2) my physical withdrawal from opioids was uncomfortable - no avoiding that. For a week I had severe flu like symptoms. I felt best when I took a hot bath.I have my baby and I was only able to take very short baths, but they were still helpful. A sauna/hot tub would have been amazing. If you have access to these I think you'll find the most comfort by sweating out the toxins.
3) I had no appitite what so ever. I still don't but not eating makes it worse. My stomach being empty made it ache but nothing sounded good. You have to keep yourself hydrated and nibble on whatever you can. Try to have toast, bananas, applesauce, tea, ice water, soup and anything bland. It doesn't go down easy but you do feel better when it's in your body.
4) over the counter meds & vitamins that have made a difference for me have been magnesium (1000mgs a day) for anxiety, vitamins b6 & b12 for stomach cramps & digestive health, Dramamine or other car-sickness pills you can find at any drug store for nausea and dizziness, Tylenol pm, melatonin and valerian for relaxation and sleep.
5) concentrate on whatever makes you happy. For me it's my son,all my favorite TV shows. Whatever it is you love to do, try and remember how good these things made you feel before toy started using. Sounds dumb but being able to laugh through this has truly saved me. I honesty don't feel sick when I'm playing with my son or laughing. It's given me hope that I am healing and this is not the end of my life - you really feel like you could die from the sickness or the anxiety sometimes but this will pass. I promise.