Miracles

I've come to the realization although I will never give up hope for my mom, I have to concentrate on her quality of life as well.  Our visit with Sloan Kettering yesterday was not what I had hoped for but it doesn't have to mean its over either.  The doctor was very thorough, explaining everything from day one up until now.  She went over all the procedures and treatments she has had and agreed with her treatments given thus far.  Unfortunately, she said she wanted to be honest about their not really being a cure.  The cancer is very aggressive and now it was more about finding a treatment with little side effects so my mom can get back to her life.  She did speak of a clinical trial she maybe eligible for however, it would require her to make numerous trips and stays in the city.  Yesterday, we visited the Sloan suburban center about a half hour drive from her house in NJ.  They do not do clinical trials at this facility, its just an outpatient center.  My parents are not to fond of having to go into the city so I don't think she will go for this trial right now.  

The dr at Sloan also spoke about different oral medications instead of chemo, should this new chemo not work.  This is also the problem - because she did not respond well to the last two types of chemo, she is not hopeful for this new chemo treatment either.  This is disappointing as its hard for mom to deal with hearing this again.  However, there is a plan b in place and again, other trials that maybe available to her closer to her home.  

In the meantime, we try to live life as normal as possible.  My wish is my mom can go back to somewhat of a normal life.  I'd love this chemo to contain and slow down the process enough for her to see my sister and bil with their adoptive child, hear my boys talk, experience Disneyworld with us the first time we take them, and maybe finally take a trip to Italy to see where her father was born and lived.  I wish so much for her and my dad as well.  Next June 2014, is there 50th wedding anniversary.  I pray that God gives her long enough to celebrate that day with my dad.  The only thing I can do now is pray for a miracle.  Oddly, after our visit yesterday, my mom said to me with tears in her eyes, "I guess I better pray for a miracle because that's the only way I will survive."  It broke my heart and I couldn't even get the words or the right words out to say to her.  

Later in the evening after having some time to sort out my feelings I called her.  I told her mom, you said you needed a miracle and I am here to tell you that my boys are living proof that miracles happen.  Not only that, I said it happens for many.  I told her many of my friends here on Medhelp were told over and over they would never have a child and they got their miracles too.  My own dad told me to give it up and I told him no - never.  So I told her there's no harm in hoping for a miracle and knowing that miracles happen every day is something we can all hang on to.  

The dr at Sloan is going to work with my mom's current oncologist, assisting with her treatments, etc.  She will also find out more about the clinical trial in the city and take it from there.  In the meantime, she will continue her treatments (she has 7 more to go) and hopefully we will get some good news that the tumor has responded to this treatment.  On Thursday she has a small outpatient surgery to have a stent put in her kidney.  This will help as well.  I told her one day at a time and that's all we can do now.  

I don't know if I feel better really but I have to keep going for everyone.  My boys are a good distraction for all of us.  My sister and I had planned a surprise 50th for them but we are really not sure what to do.  I think we will put this on hold for now.  

Anyway, I want to thank you ladies as I know you are all going through ttc right now, pregnancies, loses, etc.  I know my postings are not really related to this forum anymore and at times I feel I should stop posting  now.  I want to tell you all never ever give up on your dreams.  For those of you who are ttc, I know your pain, I've been there and I understand.  I will always be here for you all.  For those of you who finally got your BFP, I'm so happy for you. Enjoy this time as much as you can.  For those of you who just gave birth, Congrats and enjoy this time as well.  It goes so fast.  

Believe in Miracles.... they really do happen! xoxo