May 01, 2009
I am 28 years old. No one knows me better, and no one knows me more than my best friend and my best enemy. Welcome to my world. My best friend’s name is/was Adderall.
When I was in High School, which was in the 1990's, my English teacher noticed something about me and decided to call my mother to talk about it. She shared her concern with my mother about this newer subject called ADD/ADHD. She recommended me to see a doctor for diagnosis and that I showed all of the symptoms of having this disorder she thought. My mother, knowing my struggles in school, quickly made me a doctor’s appointment to have me tested.
NO, it was not because of laziness, but I could NOT understand anything they were talking about. I understood things on my level. In English class we were reading Romeo & Juliet. I was lost with the wording of it. Yea I understood the general concept of the story. Who has not heard of Romeo & Juliet at some point in there life. When we read this in class the wording where art thou Romeo, would throw me off at times. Not that title but you get what I’m saying. I understood it better being told as, Where is my Romeo.
I had low self esteem and never engaged in anything because of my shyness and lack of self esteem. When the doctor tested me he discovered I not only had ADD but also Learning Disabilities. And yes depression but mostly because of my self esteem from not understanding my problems.
First I was put on a low dose of Ritalin. Something changed in me. I became very interested in a new way of learning. My mind opened up full throttle on the racetrack. I was not far behind. In fact compare last in race to becoming 2nd place you would receive a trophy and a pedestal with the spotlight on you with your 2nd place ribbon. You stand there and experience the audience cheering for you and you cheering with them. You stayed determined to win. And that’s what I did. I won within a month of getting A, B Honor Roll! The Principle called me over the intercom on a Friday evening to come to the office to collect my “Most Achieved” award. I thought I would never hear my name being called out for a random award among so many students in High School. And there I was called. There are no words to express to describe myself. My self esteem bloomed into a young adult. I felt like everyone else for once. I took that award home so proud. My parents were so proud of what I had become as well for me. My happiness was lived short term. After about a month I started to have strange emotions in the evenings. I would stare at my wall kind of like a Zombie. I cried and became depressed. My go getter, my gas tank ran out of fuel. I lost my hopes and dreams. So Ritalin did not work as well. My mother took me back to the doctor to find a solution for me. I was tried on several medicines. I always had a side effect from them. Until I was introduced to a newer drug. Its name alone would change my whole youth into now. Adderall......
I was put on Adderall. I gained my hopes and dreams again. But this time my mind was on a different fuel. It was not the same. It was much cleaner fuel. I took it as my mother told me to. Since I was 15 years old, now 28, I have been on Adderall.
I started on low doses like they always start you out with. Now I am "supposed" to take 30 milligram tablets 3 times a day. But that’s a dose I can’t remember having that worked for me for a while now.
First, let me say Adderall and your body reach an "ok" settlement amount. Meaning that you both mesh well and it’s comfortable. This is after a few years have passed or if you are a early bloomer you might feel this allot earlier than I did. Everyone is different. If you take anymore trying to get high, that’s dumb because it won’t make you feel good but like ****. There is no high past that point. So you’re wasting it.
I consider myself Mrs. Adderall. (Mrs.-Ha-ha yea we might as well been married. It was the most intimate relationship I ever have known! I know everything about this drug. It was my life because I grew up on it.)
But now, I am out of control with it. I have been through some hard times and I started to notice I was taking one to help me. Now I can take over 7 a day without a fast heartbeat, or high blood pressure. My body adapted to it over time. I don’t want to come off of it because it helps and it is all I know. (Remember I grew up on it). But now it’s too high of a dosage a too much to even get written. I am sick and tired of having to find different doctors in order to get enough to last me. I’m running out of doctors now. It’s become a nightmare and a pain to go make up an excuse that I lost it or something in order for them to write it for me. I am a sweet girl with a beautiful personality but I don’t know if that’s from who I am or from the Adderall. My heart breaks as I lie to the doctor trying to tell him I lost it or whatever I can come up with. I am a con or I feel like. But I am an ordinary girl just trying to make it in life with a medication that really does help me. Even though it’s huge amounts! I try to find a doctor that I have not visited in awhile so they will be more willing to write it. Not all doctors will write this medicine. They panic and act like they are giving you pure drugs that make you high or something. (But then look at me. This could take their license away if they did something that came back on them and I can’t be angry at them for that!) But now the stress of finding a doctor is so depressing. The normal amount is like 60 milligrams a day (I believe). My most recent doctor I had discharged me from his office because he found out I was seeing another doctor (not knowing which one) to get Adderall elsewhere. I really liked him to. But I can’t blame him.
This is something I had written in a letter to myself a long ways back. Listen to it carefully. Don’t end up this way. This is a REAL addiction. Don’t think because its written by a doctor it is ok. Well truthfully it is ok- until you become like me.
My mother made me take it when I was younger for school and my grades improved from failing all (except electives and P.E.). I went from failing to A-B honor roll within one month’s time. I even received an award from the principle for it. My self esteem rose to a peek I never seen before. A light bulb came on and stayed on until now. It flickers and dims because it is now unsure if it will remain.
So call it an addiction- ok I’m fine with that. Give a blind man glasses and his depression lifts because he can see and life is life. But take those glasses away and he becomes blind again and no longer sees life and becomes depressed again. You see where I am coming from? It’s hard. It’s a way of life to me. I am threatened and in a battle to keep my glasses on so I don’t become blind. Its way to physiologically embedded in my mind now to see the world any other way. Damn you scientist for making this but thank you for it! Now stop threaten to take away all I know. Anyways, this is Adderall for me. I am Adderall.
...I will post more soon. Feel free to ask questions. Right now this has taken me a while to finish. I am so tired right now. My body aches and I am very depressed. It has been 13 days. I crave me back again. But it is not normal. It is hard to see it that way. I have grew up on this. Now I feel so damn empty and scared. I have to calm myself down allot from the panic I get. Its so hard. This is hell. I WILL do this. I WILL function normaly even if it takes me years to slowly leak Adderall from my brain. My heart goes out to everyone struggling.