May 02, 2009
Here I sit on Saturday morning catching up on my reality shows. So they call that reality huh? Sounds weird, I feel like what I am going through right now is the real reality of things. Oh to be 40 again, or hell even to be 50 again would be a good thing. I was sitting trying to remember when my body moved a little bit like the dancers. I used to love to dance, nothing like that but I still loved it. I was also trying to remember when my body has been without drugs totally. Enhancement drugs of any kind, I don't think it's been since I was in my early teens when they first came out with diet pills. That was the start for me back in the sixties. I still was fat all my life until I had gastric bypass 6 years ago. Well anyway it's just two more days before detox. I talked the hubby into giving me an extra pill for midnight to help me get back to sleep. He has been giving me 6 a day, and spacing them but I told him when I wake to go potty at midnight the with draws are starting so if he could just give me the one to help. He did, I didn't take it at midnight,I lied to him, I saved it to take with the two he gives me at 8 o'clock. See how the addiction works. I am still looking for the dang little high you get when you take more than you should. So a lie I told to get an extra pill, I might add he was not in favor of my taking the extra one at midnight but I convinced him. Pretty soon I won't have a decision or a lie I can tell since I go to rehab Monday morning. Still a big fear of mine is they won't admit me and send me home with instructions and some other kind of drug to help with the with draws. They don't understand I want to be totally free of everything, cold turkey, no drugs. The hubby even wanted me to be taking less than the 6 a day that he gives me now prior to entering the center but I'm afraid if I tell them I have cut back from 30 a day to 6 they'll say wow she can do it at home. Well I'm telling you to go cold turkey at home is some thing I can't do, although after these run out I can't get anymore, not from my doc anyway and I'm not going through that new doc thing. Plus this is a good excuse to go out today and buy some new under ware and night gown. lol...heck I even shaved my legs for the first time since winter, painted my toe nails to. Can't have them thinking I'm a creepy OLD WOMAN with no style. Feels good to have some of my sense of humor back. I'm really looking forward to new under ware.
Here's to all of you trying your darnest to stop, you can do it. Keep up the good work that all of you are giving yourselves. Think of this as a big present to yourself, you deserve it. Your a big present like with a big bow etc, untie your bow and if you need to don't tare the paper but take it off and slowly open, you'll be amazed at what lies in the box of dreams. A drug free world is there for us. My best to everyone trying to cope with all they go through. All the way from depression to drug addiction, etc, obesity, you name it, I'll be here to support anyone that writes me. I'll post anything I might learn in detox. The hardest thing I think to get over with will be the mind games you play with yourself once your body is free from drugs, and your mind telling you you'll feel better if you had one. That's going to be the battle but we can do it, all of you and me. God it feels good to not be alone anymore. Hugs....Jan