May 02, 2009
I'm feeling down today, next month I'll be 66 years old and married 45 years. My oncologist said he "expects" me to reach the 5 year mark. My brain is screaming that I want to reach the 80+ year old mark, and be married 65+ years.
What will my hubby do without me, he's depended on me to be his soul mate since the day we met.
He still comments on his favorite dishes that I make him, who will make them for him the way he likes them?
Who will make sure there are fresh towels in the bathroom, and that the shopping is done from an up to date shopping list?
It makes me sad when I see the newly diagnosed ladies who come here for help and advice, we were once in their place. We try to give them support and advice from our experiences with this horrible disease, and the chemo drugs we've been on, and how we handled the side affects.
It scares me when I read about one of our ladies when their chemo drug doesn't work any longer, and they're hoping the next one will. Some day that will be me, I know.
It terrifies me when someone posts about one of ours being in pain, or turning to Hospice. Not long ago she was posting here, and giving support and advice on he forum. Some day that will be me, I know.
Yes I'm on something for depression, and usually I'm being strong and angry at this disease that has taken over MY life and MY body, but once in a while, it gets to me and that's today.
Tomorrow I'll probably be feeling better, I'll roast that turkey breast we bought today, and maybe we'll both make those oatmeal scones he likes so much
Monday starts three consecutive weeks of chemo, Topotecan, and then one week off.
I'll hang in there, and keep my feelings to myself, it would make him sad and he's dealing with enough.