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feeling down today 5/2/09

May 02, 2009 - 6 comments

I'm feeling down today, next month I'll be 66 years old and married 45 years. My oncologist said he "expects" me to reach the 5 year mark. My brain is screaming that I want to reach the 80+ year old mark, and be married 65+ years.
What will my hubby do without me, he's depended on me to be his soul mate since the day we met.
He still comments on his favorite dishes that I make him, who will make them for him the way he likes them?
Who will make sure there are fresh towels in the bathroom, and that the shopping is done from an up to date shopping list?

It makes me sad when I see the newly diagnosed ladies who come here for help and advice, we were once in their place. We try to give them support and advice from our experiences with this horrible disease, and the chemo drugs we've been on, and how we handled the side affects.

It scares me when I read about one of our ladies when their chemo drug doesn't work any longer, and they're hoping the next one will. Some day that will be me, I know.

It terrifies me when someone posts about one of ours being in pain, or turning to Hospice. Not long ago she was posting here, and giving support and advice on he forum. Some day that will be me, I know.

Yes I'm on something for depression, and usually I'm being strong and angry at this disease that has taken over MY life and MY body, but once in a while, it gets to me and that's today.
Tomorrow I'll probably be feeling better, I'll roast that turkey breast we bought today, and maybe we'll both make those oatmeal scones he likes so much

Monday starts three consecutive weeks of chemo, Topotecan, and then one week off.
I'll hang in there, and keep my feelings to myself, it would make him sad and he's dealing with enough.



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329994 tn?1301663248
by lvfrogs, May 03, 2009
I hope you won't mind that I answered this although I don't have ovarian cancer. It breaks my heart to read what you wrote because I imagine that is how I would feel too.  I have lost those I loved on here and everyday when I get on, I worry that someone else will be feeling much worse, that I might lose another woman that I love.  I feel that all of you are very strong and so willing to be open about your emotions and feelings and helping all the other women on here too.  My friends on here have helped me through my health issues even though they are dealing with much worse. Just wanted to say that I keep you in my daily prayers and always ask for God to bring you comfort and healing. Much hugs, Colleen

523728 tn?1264621521
by bohan54, May 03, 2009
Jane,

I wonder what brings on these periods of grief.  I know when they hit me they are very hard to shake.  Have had every thought that you describe above and more cuz my son is only 21 and only half baked if you get my drift.  In other words, I firmly believe he still needs me and will for a lot more than the next 2 or 3 sickly years.

If you have an oppportunity, take a breather from your normal routine.  Going to the Florida Keys may be a bit much, but it improved my frame of mind more than I ever expected.  Even my baby sister's dx with breast cancer has been something I feel able to contend with enough to help her instead of bringing her down.  I don't know what pocket I pulled this strength from and worry that it will dissipate any day now but for the moment, I relish it.  

You are entitled to these feelings and it may surprise you that sharing them with your hubby will bring you even closer.  He may just be waiting for a sign from you to open the dialogue.  

I am here for you today, you may need to be here for me tomorrow.  We will do whatever it takes to forge ahead!

Much love,
Sharon

415684 tn?1257329318
by JC145, May 03, 2009
Hey, sister, I hear ya.  

I  even try to teach Ken a little about running this house.  He takes care of the deck, pool, BBQ, driveway (leaves, et al) etc..  I take care of most everything inside the walls, including collecting tax info for filing, handling all insurance issues, paying all bills, balancing chkg. a/c's, etc.  I organize the garage and all the closets .. he doesn't  know what's "really" in all those closets.  So, I am trying to simplify things.  I have a hugh binder with every renovation bill/company we used to remodel so if he needs them, he knows where to find them .. including samples of roof shingle, fabric from upholstery, etc.  There's another binder with ckg a/c info and running check register .. plus binders for our indiviudal retirement a/c's.  I have actual medical folders for each of us with any and ALL records...plus a binder with all of my paid insurance claims .. just so he won't have to search too hard.  I am trying to clean out the closets, etc and get rid of "stuff" before I can't do it anymore.

Having said all of that, why wouldn't I be depressed.  It's one thing to be organized .. and another to be organized knowing you may not be here that much longer and there's much left to do.

We have every right to have "those" days .. but if we let them last too long, cancer wins it all.  It's a fight to think positive .. it's a fight to put on a happy face ... but if we don't .. cancer wins.   It's a fight .. so we will keep up with the battle and maybe, just maybe, we'll surprise them all and be here 10, 15, or 20 years from now.  So take that, damn you cancer!

Ok, I'm tired, extremely bloated, been up since 4AM (?? why ??).  

Love you, Jane65 .. hang in there .. we are here for you.  I'll be 65 in January and finally get social security ... and I intend to collect a large portion of it!   AND, yes, I'm scared of what's coming down the road .....................

Judy


Avatar universal
by helenl89, May 04, 2009
yes I too have these terrible bouts of depression. Somedays I just want to stay in bed and say the hell with the world. I myself live alone now, my daughter moved out in nov. and hardly ever calls or visits. It really brings me down somedays. I know she's at school and busy but give me a break. I'm hoping school will be over soon, and maybe she stop in and say hi, but not betting on it. Ever since I got sick she's acted different towads me. I think she can't handle seeing her mom like this, and just doesn't deal with it. Every day that i'm down like this I just pray tommorrow will be better. Then I get angry about this disease and vent alot, it makes feel better. Thats why I'm on alot, it just makes feel better to talk with people and know that I'm not alone in this fight. It's okay if we feel like this. If we didn't then I'd think there is something wrong with us. stay strong and don't give up

Avatar universal
by jane65, May 04, 2009
Thank you to Colleen, Sharon, Judy and Helen for your thoughtful replies. We have to vent and not keep our feelings bottled up, especially if this is the only people we can express it all to.

My husband has been wonderful throughout this ongoing nightmare, but he's expressed that he's tired of cancer 24/7 and I understand his feelings, since I frankly share them.

I had my Topotecan treatment today, the end of the month we're repeating the CT scan, and the CA125 which went up a few points last month.
If we see sign of progression of disease, we'll stop Topo. and switch to Avastin with Gemzar.

None of us expected our lives to become treatments, doctor appointments, and waiting for test results. Those of us who are now "seasoned citizens" didn't expect the Golden Years to be this way and it's depressing, and so aggravating.
Especially when we see healthy people enjoying retirement.

Helen, I empathize with what you're going through with your child. It took my getting cancer to bring my child back into our life, and to finally meet our little grandchildren. Now that child is drifting away again, and it hurts us so much. You can write me a personal message if you want to vent or just commiserate. I truly understand your pain.

Judy, except for the part of handling the financial aspect, I could have written your post and put my name on it! We think alike, my dear. medical folders, mine bursting and his thankfully thin, a home improvement and insurance folders, etc. I'm just not ready to go through things, or make lists, it seems too final and scary for me.
That your tired we expect, but bloated? maybe you should call your doc. and see what they say.

Of course I'd be pleased to exchange notes, or PM's with any of you ladies. I need the personal contacts, I'm sure we all do and we can talk rather than post on the forum.
Thanks again for your replies, feel good and have a pleasant day.
Jane

878302 tn?1246854207
by Dee1942, May 09, 2009
Jane, for a minute, I too thought your note sounded like I had written it, especially your age and your relationship with your husband.  I will be 67 in July and was diagnosed in April '07 with OVCA.   My husband (second) and I have been married 40 years and my heart still skips a beat when I see him, especially if he shows up unexpectedly at work or in town when I'm shopping.  I love him so much and even though we know we can't leave this world together, we never thought we would have to prepare and make plans so far ahead of time.  We thought we would die minutes apart when I'm 99 and he's 108 (he's 9 years older than me).

Collectively we have six children; I have three and he has three and all six are between the ages of 47 and 51..  He is such a sweetheart.  He slept in my hospital room every night during my treatments, and never complained about the hard couch, or 120 mile round trip to Sacramento to get treatments, doctor appointments, infusions, etc.  

He has cooked almost all the meals in the last 40 years and does all the yard work, but I take care of all the cleaning, financial, taxes, etc.  We made it through so many tough times that I thought I would be rewarded with a long retirement with "my honey." but instead, OVCA reared its ugly head and retirement (disability) came a year earlier than planned in order to accommodate surgery, operations and 6 months of intensive chemo treatments.  I had the IP (port in stomach) and had to be hospitalized 8 to 10 days every three weeks for the treatments.  

I managed to get through all of that with a positive outlook; always believing in the end I would be cured.  However, a couple of weeks ago my CAT scan showed a couple of spots, and today my mammogram and ultrasound shows a lump in my left breast.  I'll have a PET scan first part of July, then get the results of all tests from my doc. on July 22nd.  

My doctor told me at the time I was diagnosed that he was trying to buy me 10 years.   I told him I would gladly buy more if he would let me know how much a year costs!!  

Just before I was diagnosed, I rented a storage unit with every intention of cleaning it out within three months.  That was two years ago, so last week, I got brave and closed it out.  I have to be out by the end of May, so I've kept busy with cleaning it out and preparing for the biggest garage sale ever.  For the last 15 years, I worked in marketing for a developer and have everything you need to put on themed events, banquets, games, cookoffs, etc. I think the sale of all the items will pay for at least 3 months of rent ... ha!  

I have always had a positive outlook on life and plan to stay that way as long as possible.  There is an ad on TV that shows a gal walking down the street with a scarf wrapped around her head.  She says "I have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me!".  I think that's a great message.  And if possible stay positive, and find some humor in your everyday life.  Laughter is not only good medicine for the body and soul, but you can't be depressed if you're laughing.  Speaking of laughing, my husband is one of these guys that's funny without even knowing it.  One day I was deathly sick from the chemo and couldn't stop vomiting.  He was so worried, and just as I was about to flush myself down the toilet, he said "honey, I think I should call 411"  I started laughing hysterically, because he was so serious and didn't have a clue of what he had said.  

Take care and keep your chin up and know you have a lot of sisters out there that care.

Love, Dee

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