May 03, 2009
I've gotten very frustrated with the whole rationale behind losing weight. As most everyone knows, because I'm sure I sound an "A, # 1 whiner" most of the time, I've got Hashimoto's Thyroiditis/Hypothyroidism. My weight went from a very normal 115 lbs about 2 yrs ago to the astronomical figure of about 145, on a very SMALL boned 5' tall frame. What damage the thyroid situation hasn't done, the weight did. I feel like a slug most of the time - fat, and barely crawling, although physically, I feel relatively well. Some days, I get really tired and feel like I need a nap about 9:00 in the morning, but then I have to keep reminding myself that I get up at 3:30 am - what's so wrong with needing a nap at 9:00 ---- well, nothing except that's the middle of my work day and there's no way I can lay down and take one......... Another factor that I hate to take into consideration is that I'm 59 yrs old - well, for another month anyway.
When I was in my late 20's an old country doctor in Iowa dx'd me with pernicious anemia. I took shots for a while, but didn't think they did much - hmm, I didn't know that it takes a while to get the full effects - so I stopped getting them. From then on, my # 1 complaint with every doctor I've seen has been fatigue. Long story short - 2 yrs ago, I finally had the right symptoms and another doctor finally dx'd pernicious anemia again and I'm now back on shots - won't EVER give those babies up again. Started on the B12 shots in Aug '07, which is the same time I quit smoking because of excess tissue on my vocal cords which was making it almost impossible to talk any more. I was sent to an ENT who dx'd me with Reinkes Edema and said he could "fix it", but would do so only on the condition that I quit smoking.
That was August 13, 2007. I had a cigarette about 2 hrs before that appt with the ENT and haven’t had one since. So- about 6 weeks after that initial appt, I was back with the ENT making arrangements to have surgery on my vocal cords that would remove all that tissue and let me talk again. I had to have 2 surgeries, so they did the right one first because it wasn’t quite so bad. That one was on Oct 19, 2007. After the surgery, I could not make any sounds for at least a week – doctor’s orders “don’t even try”. So I carried a small dry erase board on a rope around my neck with appropriate pens in my pocket (different colored pens mean different things or varying importance).
Because of insurance and the fact that my deductible was paid for that year (2007), I got the ENT to do the other surgery also before the end of the year, which meant that one was done on Dec 17. I started voice therapy in Jan 2008 and continued until March 2008. Why am I putting all this down now? Very simple, read on.
During all this time, I was going to my pcp once/month for B12 shot but still felt tired all the time, hmm. Gaining weight like there is no tomorrow – we all, including me, ENT, pcp – put it down to the fact that I quit smoking……. Made sense at the time.
So, while all this is going on, I’m keeping a food journal (800-1000 calories/day), exercising my butt off – well, I thought I was, but unfortunately, it didn’t leave; instead, it chose to keep getting bigger and bigger AND BIGGER…………
At that time, I was still going to my pcp’s office to get my B12 shots and I was up to 2X/month rather than one. Anyway, one day I mentioned to the nurse giving me the shot, that I still felt awfully tired and just couldn’t stop gaining weight, no matter what. She suggested that I make an appt to see about getting my thyroid tested. I took her advice and here I am. Meds getting changed every time I turn around, pcp not cooperating – insisting that Synthroid is the ONLY med to take – I could go on forever with this stuff.
Anyway, it’s been almost a year since I was dx’d with hypothyroidism, only a few months since I got the Hashi’s dx. I feel better than I’ve felt in years, really – in spite of the tired times, aching muscles sometimes, etc. If there’s one thing I can be sure of, NOTHING will be the same today as it was yesterday.
So once the thyroid issue was dx’d, I was pretty much left on my own as far as the weight. My pcp kept telling me I just “need to MOVE more” – don’t forget that I said earlier in this journal entry that I was exercising my tail off – trying to, but it wasn’t happening.
Everyone says “calories in/calories out = weight loss” – sorry, that doesn’t work for everyone.
So all this time – past 2+ years, I’ve been trying to get back to my pre-thyroid 115 pounds and it just isn’t happening.
One day while I was in Barnes and Nobles Bookstore, I ran across a book by Geneen Roth called “When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair”. The whole concept of the book is stop beating up on yourself, stop dieting, etc. According to the book, we have to be able to accept ourselves the way we are and take good care of our bodies. The simple act of taking good care of our bodies will allow us to lose weight. Hmm – whole new concept for me.
She advocates getting rid of everything we can no longer wear, so we don’t have the constant reminders. Kind of like “declutter”/”destress”. I’ve read this book 3 times and the first time, I thought , “yeah, right, this is gonna work for whom??”. The second time, it started making a bit more sense. They say “third time’s a charm” cuz I read it the third time and I’m going to try her advice.
I started small by cleaning out the closet in my bathroom – got rid of everything I didn’t use, from old sheets to worn, frayed towels, some old meds, bandages that were yellowed from age and no one would WANT to use them if they needed a bandage, etc.
Today, I started out cleaning my bedroom – yep, I CLEANED. Got all the dust bunnies off the walls and everything. Wiped down the whole room from ceiling to floor. Then I cleaned out my dresser and threw away everything I can’t/don’t wear (yep, even the body shapers – they are uncomfortable anyway). After I got that done, I moved on the bathroom again and scrubbed it from ceiling to floor and threw out a bunch more stuff. BTW – still have more stuff to get rid of.
Then I had hubby measure my closet for new shelving. He will bring home some shelving later this week. In the meantime, I will start going through my closet. I have a few things that my daughter and her “almost step-daughter” might be able to wear, but my daughter has lupus and the prednisone made her gain SO much weight, I’m not sure how much of it she will be able to use.
Today, I packed up 2 bags of stuff from my dresser – one bag for my daughter and one bag Good Will in hopes that someone else will be able to get some use out of them. A lot of them were like brand new because I kept gaining so fast, I outgrew them almost before I got to wear them.
It’s really hard to open the closet door and just KNOW that by this time next week, almost all of my clothes will be gone. BUT, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it won’t be nearly so hard to have them gone as it is to have them there, seeing them everyday and knowing that I might never be able to wear any of them again.
Just before I had the first surgery on my vocal cords, I had bought some new jeans – size 8 because I had outgrown the size 6’s. Wasn’t too long before I needed 10 and now 12. Well, those jeans (the 6’s and 8’s) are still hanging there and still depressing me every time I open that closet……. Yep, by this time next week, there won’t be anything in that closet that doesn’t fit me.
Anyway, this doesn’t mean that I’m going to forget about eating right and exercising. My job won’t allow me to stop exercising even if I wanted to, which I don’t. And I’ve learned to enjoy the fruits and veggies – even to the point of trying to find different stuff that I’ve never eaten and trying it. For dinner this evening, I had a summer squash that my neighbor brought over last night from his garden. I have many more in my own garden that are just about ready to eat.
I’m going to continue to do the things that I know are good for my body, but I’ve decided that in order to be good to my body, I have to stop beating myself up all the time. I never had a problem losing weight before my thyroid “wigged” out so I’ve never been through anything like this before.
It’s like a roller coaster and I really want off, but it won’t stop long enough to let me get off. That isn’t MY fault and I have to stop blaming myself. I also have to get rid of the things that are causing me so much stress (yep, hubby can go too if he doesn’t play nice in MY sandbox……..lol)
Well, I think I’ve pretty well laid out my plan, with permission to alter/optimize it at any time. That’s what I’m going to allow myself the right to do. I try to be nice to everyone else – now it’s my turn to be nice to ME.
I feel better having made this decision and hope that I can just allow myself to relax and BE myself.