Apr 13, 2008
Bah humbug! 15 years ago or more I knew something was wrong with me, but alas! No doctor, no blood test, no one could prove me wrong. So after intense pressure of a child with chronic asthma from birth, an ADD kid, an older child with asthma and a husband who found 'LERV' some place else and no reliable family, I went a tad ga-ga. Stress, my dear, stress! Years later it happened again, and years later yet again.....and then just the other day I thought, Oh dear......all the signs are there....yet again I am going into the Tropical Island of La-la Land.
I have been seeing a counsellor for 5 weeks and my oh my oh my....they just think they can save the world, don't they? Just think of letting the thoughts you have of negativity float by....How in the heck can I when I am going loopy, lady? You are so negative she says, just try this excersise of relaxation...LISTEN LADY...says me through clenched teeth...I KNOW how to relax. It went on like this for a while...tears started to leak out of my eyes without my awareness...frustration I guess. She then says I need a Psychiatric Evaluation...OH NOW there's some help, thinks me....
Later that evening, I get a lovely male voice on the phone asking me, So you had a Bad Day, your counsellor tells me? I couldn't help but think of the song by Gary Jules.....This lovely guy chatted to me for a long time and finally said, "You know, I used to work in Endocrinology, and you know what? I think you are having what most doctors don't understand. An Endocrine Psychotic Reaction" I was like, Ok????? He went on to explain that the human body is not meant to have its major organs chopped out and replaced by a 'lookalike' chemicals to sustain the brain into thinking the organ is still there. The body is very delicate, sensitive. The brain even more so....
So only 4 months into having tons of replacement hormones chucked into an otherwise normal body is a bit much for my brain to cope with. No wonder you feel so weepy and almost suicidal, he said. I could have kissed him.
There was one word I thought of; EMPATHY!!!!!!!! He said, he wished more surgeons, psychiatrists, etc would understand that connection...I actually cried when I told him that for 8 years I was on super duper strength anti-depressants, after I kept saying something was wrong with me. It turned out October 07 I was finally diagnosed with SEVERE Hashimoto's Disease. I said to him that obviously my symptoms all those years ago was my thyroid being under attack by an auto-immune disease. I spent 15 years of misery to finally lose my thyroid anyway to something else entirely, (Hurthle's Cell adenoma) but to think I could have been given thyroxine to help the Hashimoto's, and perhaps have a better life. He said, Ah yes, The Australian medical intervention help gone political mental. Reason I never could get the anti-bodies test? A) I did not present with a ginourmous goitre (go figure!) B) Cost versus result was too great. C) Doctors are like any other business and have a budget to stick to, and cannot waste unnecessary tests on patients who don't need them (again go figure!)
So, now I grieve....for all the wasted years from 30 to almost 45...my PRIME years! I could have written my novels, ridden a bike through the Grand Canyon, studied French, Italian, Spanish, and maybe even Russian....ah.....the things that could have been. I grieve for all the other people out there still going through the bull **** of telling their doctor's they don't feel right, for the doctor's whose hands are often tied, for a society that really hasn't come along as far as we might have thought.
My counsellor called me the next day, after the Psychiatric Triage Nurse had spoken to me.......she asked how it went, I told her. She said, "So, he isn't going to put you into Psychiatric Hospital?" 'No", I explained, "he doesn't feel the need, infact it would make me worse" "Worse? You need help Maria!" I let the phone rest in my hand by my hip then brought it back up to my ear........"My lack of having a thyroid and having replacement hormones and having a cancer scare is what is making me so fragile. I am ok..."
There was a deathly quiet on the other end.....finally she said, "Oh, I never even remembered you were on medication, No wonder you feel so bad."
"The triage nurse gave me a word, that you obviously do not have in your vocabulary....."
"What is it?" She asked nervously
"Empathy. You were too busy trying to convince me I was a nut case to realise I am just a recovering thyroid patient."
"So, I'll see you next week then?"
"I don't think so"
Maria the ever 'patient'