Sep 30, 2013
1 -- Some Thoughts (4/38) (not passive, actively "playing" with them) *Also thoughts of self harm
--I am updating this now so who knows what will happen in the next hours.
Today had some marked paranoia in the car again characterized by faster driving, louder music, and hand placement while driving (hand is always on the shift when I am paranoid). Also having thoughts of suicide for most of the day. I have been "playing" with the thoughts instead of letting them just pass by. I have also felt the urge to self-harm which might happen, might not (updates tomorrow). I also noticed in the morning that I was irritable. This might have been because I was tired because progressing through the day I was less irritable. I feel a little overwhelmed by everything I have to do for my mental health. I have to take medicine twice a day, update my mood tracker every night, and so the SSI score when I am having suicidal thoughts which seems to be all the time. I am also feeling very hopeless about these suicidal thoughts. I think to myself that these thoughts will never go away and I will just have to live with it until I die of natural or unnatural causes. Makes me just want to give up. But I have therapy this week, so I plan on discussing all of this with him. To further my recovery I took time to myself to get away from everything; school, work stuff, phone, facebook. I just sat outside and smoked, drank a cold coke and listened to some calming music.