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Separation.

Oct 02, 2013 - 27 comments

I think DH and I are going to try a few weeks separation. We are constantly bickering, constantly. It seems like neither one of us can talk to each other without being miserable, or having a terrible attitude. It's starting to effect me emotionally, as a mother, everything. I am becoming depressed.. kind of hopeless.. like doomed to be miserable forever. We can't go one day without fighting. It's draining, and exhausting. I am going to go stay with my mother for a few weeks and focus on me, and my kids. I need to think and figure out what's best to do. My main concern, is of course the kids. I need input on how to make sure this transition is as smooth as possible for them, anything would be greatly appreciated.

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790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 02, 2013
I'm sorry to hear this.  I do think you're doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and the kids. Although I can't give any advice, I do wish you all the best.  Sending you hugs!!

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by KTowne, Oct 02, 2013
Thank you! I just watched my parents grow up fighting constantly.. I won't do that to my kids, that's for sure.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 02, 2013
Oh no I agree.  You hear people say all the time " I stayed for the kids" but I do believe you're doing them more wrong by staying and seeing arguing all the time.  I was the same, my dad complained all the time and still to this day does and I've always told my mother (since I've been older) that I can't believe she stayed with him this long. I love my dad, don't get me wrong..but he could treat her better.  Do the right thing for your kids..you in your heart knows what that is.  :)

1383908 tn?1457401728
by Sheaby, Oct 02, 2013
Have the two of you tried counseling?  Having gone through counseling with Greg, it worked wonders.  We had a serious break down in communication, and we were doing the same thing - bickering over nothing day in and day out.  It got to a breaking point, even without kids, and it was counseling or move on.  We saw her once a week, then every other week...then we didn't need her anymore.  She was more of a mediator - finding out WHAT we were so miserable about, and it gave us a really safe space to talk without hurting one another, and it opened our eyes on a better way to communicate, and to try and open up before it got to that place again.  I know every situation is different, but I hope that by sharing my experience with you, it may be an option the two of you haven't considered yet.  xoxo

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by KTowne, Oct 02, 2013
thank you so much for sharing sheaby.. we haven't tried counseling yet, and I'm wondering if it's too far gone. there is so much hurt and negative feelings there I don't know if it would help! I think a small break will clear my head and help me decide if we should go ahead with counseling or not

1181036 tn?1367368640
by FreshLove, Oct 02, 2013
I'm so sorry to hear this; I hope the kids transition smoothly. Sheaby said exactly what I was thinking. I think counseling would be a great idea, before making any permanent decisions. Communication is huge in a relationship, and sometimes with kids, work, and other stresses, it can break down a couples ability to communicate effectively. The last thing I'd want is to get divorced only to realize you both still love each other and then be miserable for the rest of your lives. Best of luck and wishing you lots of support!

1181036 tn?1367368640
by FreshLove, Oct 02, 2013
So after I posted this my page uploaded to show your response. I really hope you guys are able to make it work, but again, if the connection is lost don't force it for the kids. I say give it your best shot before giving up and then move on if you need to. Hugs!

2181422 tn?1400511380
by K_Bmomma, Oct 02, 2013
oh no! im sorry your going through a rough time. biggest thing is to make sure the kids dont feel like its their fault.. they are still young but as they get older i struggled with that when i was growing up. felt like if i could do better that would make things better with my parents. my and my hubby are going through a time right now as well not considering separating or counseling quite yet but we have serious communicating to do. I hope the break gives you both time to think and heal and hopefully come back to each other!

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by Yrmacias, Oct 03, 2013
If you don't mind me asking what is the reason for the bickering? I know that since my new baby has been born I have all kind of emotions n Ive bickered w my husband more now I think it's due to all the new changes. I feel extremely blessed n happy to have my princess n my lil family, but at times I feel under appreciated even tho my husband helps alot I now realize moms have the short end of stick n being a very independent woman always have worked n taken care of myself from 17-now I'm 36. I now find myself being dependent cause I'm on 5 month maternity leave. Our main issues aren't money thankfully even w government shutdown n maternity leave we are really good at budgeting money our discussions are more about who can sleep more or takes cares of kids or who works harder stay home vs. going to work stupid but that's our arguments . I know you and your hubby are young w two babies if it's about money I suggest maybe getting a job, if it's about kids you should try n talk it outnumber Sharing duties  In marriage there are ups n downs fighting isn't good but at times it's necessary n adjusting to changes, pressure n stress of  responsibilty can take it's toll but also I think takes time to get adjusted. Most disagreements in a marriage can b resolved and maybe a short breather might b good for both of you to see each others point as well. Good luck n give yourself time not to focus on u or the kids but rather focus on your family cause u are still that ;)

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Oct 03, 2013
It is mostly about duties with the kids, me being completely underappreciated, and him just being miserable. I've tried my hardest to not be mean and snappy, he won't try one bit. Example, last night the kids were in bed and he was going to get us food, I said you can take my car if you want, I think the keys are in it - I have two kids I'm taking care of all day, with alllll of their stuff, I lose track of my keys once in a while! - And he says nevermind I'll take my truck, I'm not playing this f*cking game right now. NO fighting before that, none of me being miserable or rude, nothing, just his attitude towards me constantly. And I can't take the disrespect any more. And always five hours later he will come up and apologize, then do it ten minutes later and say well this is me, obviously I'm not going to change.. like can't you try for your family? Its so frustrating!

1396867 tn?1520810258
by hopeitworks, Oct 03, 2013
May I ask why you and the kids are leaving and not DH? It seems to me it would be easier on the kids if Dh was to leave. All their things are at your house and you have a established routine. Then when its DH's time with the kids, he can come there and you leave and stay at your moms.

I think every couple goes through what you are going through. Men think being a mom is easy, and that there is no reason for you to wanna relax at the end of the night. They work all day you know and your mom. Its A typpical male attitude.

Or your getting ready to leave and here you are still in jammies because well you dressed 2 kids while DH played video games cause it took him 2secs to get ready. And he has the nerve to ask why arent you ready...

I think the seperation will be good give him a chance to see what he has with his family and what it will be like not to have you all and perhaps open his eyes to what he needs to change and if he wants to.

Good Luck we are all here for you

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Oct 03, 2013
He has no family to go to, unfortunately. or he would be going, he wouldn't even if he did, I don't think. He doesn't get, or care, how hard it is for me and two kids to leave, versus him just leaving. It's very frustrating, a LOT of his family members struggle with depression, and I think that may be the case with him, he has lack of interest, is miserable, has no care in the world how his actions effect others at all.. its draining.

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by mandaszoo, Oct 03, 2013
Sorry for butting in  but I have been through exactly same. My ex only thought about his own needs. We tried counselling because I was desperate for our marriage to work. He carried on with his ways . Eventually I took the kids to a friend because it had got so bad I began to be frightened. After I moved out I realised how nice life was without his depression and moods and selfishness. He was on meds for his depression but always stopped taking them because he thought he was fine. Eventually he moved out and even though he begged for a reconciliation I had come to the end of my tether. As mums we do get the lions share of parenting and it is normal to have ups and downs but not downs all the time. By moving out for a while it will give you a little breathing space to revaluate . I hope by moving out your ex will get his act together.
I know it is hard on the kids adapting but sometimes staying together can be more damaging than breaking up.
All the best

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by Gardezi, Oct 03, 2013
im extremely sorry to read all this....u have such a beautiful family...i think its a good idea to go to ur parents for a few days to see if he misses all of u around and willing to change a little bit for it...i would def. do that first but i wont give up on marriage before going to counseling either....if possible talk to him about counseling too esp. if he has a family history of depression....being a new mom is very hard but fathers get affected too on some level atleast....and may b with a lil bit of counseling u would find a better way to communicate whats wrong with each other. i seriously think getting counseling is an excellent idea before taking any extreme measure. i just hope both of u figure it out soon and do whats best for ur kids because they r solely ur's(both parent's) responsibility. All my prayers to u.

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Oct 03, 2013
mandaszoo, your story sounds about identical to mine. I don't know how he would feel any level of stress from parenting, I literally do everything. I take care of both kids while he sleeps in, clean the house, never do anything socially, take showers and entertain both kids, all the while he is out fishing, working in the shed on his fourwheeler, etc. I get that he could be many other places, like in a bar, on drugs, but it's almost as bad. Him being around but not existent. He'll go to his friends, have fun, talk, and when he gets here, goes straight to the bedroom, plops on the bed, and looks at craigslist, pays no attention to us at all. We went to my sons open house last week, there was a free child identification kit there, finger prints, etc. to put your child in to the system in case anything like a kidnapping ever happened, we got in line (there were like 3-4 people ahead of us) and he was like can't we do this some other time? I'm like why? what do you have better to do? - plenty of things better than this. I was SO frustrated.. it's something that is going to benefit your child, there was NOTHING more important to do!! Why be so selfish? Why not just shut up, and stand in the friggen line instead of complaining like a child!!! it's sooooo frustrating how someone can be so selfish, constantly. I've even directly told him, can you help give the kids a bath? he'll come in, sit there for a minute and walk out and do something else. I'm just sooo sick of my feelings not mattering at all.. he has a fit if he can't go fishing with his friend, but I couldn't tell you the last time I went with my friends and did anything, over 2 years ago. My "getting away" is literally to the store. I haven't been without either kid once, and haven't done anything by myself but 2-3 times since before Dameon was born. I just have a lot of thinking to do. I know one thing is for sure, I can't be a good mom if I'm miserable, I won't teach my kids its okay for this kind of relationship to be part of a marriage, my son will never treat anyone like this, and my daughter will never think this is okay treatment.

1181036 tn?1367368640
by FreshLove, Oct 03, 2013
Wow, I did not realize it was that serious. Really hoping your husband is able to fix his attitude and heal your marriage. But if he isn't willing or able to change, you need to do what's best for yourself and your kids.

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Oct 04, 2013
Yeah definitely pretty serious, it's just constant rude and disrespect. I had a very serious talk with him yesterday, as far as his attitude goes. And laid it out, he has two options, stop being rude and talking to me the way he does, or I'm going to leave and take the kids, and see how we like it better apart. I'm not playing games and I really don't mind being alone. He has been good since then, we'll see how long it lasts, I'm pretty sure he knows I'm serious now though.

1351078 tn?1416313146
by retta483, Oct 04, 2013
it might do you both some good for a week or two break clear your head . absence makes you miss eachother . Ive been with my dh 23 years and married 18 I think id be lost wothout him of course we biker mostly about not enough $  he is off every other monday so twice a month its a 3 day weekend and im not going to lie by monday night im dying for him to return to work and im sure i irratate the hell out of him when im hard headed ;)  but its all about ballance . He needs to know what it is like for you maybe have him keep the kids for the weekend while you have a girl day that whip my dh into shape its hard work being a sahm I have 6 and i homeschool 5 of them . He knows now my job is never ending so now he helps on the weekends . I wish you luck in whatever you decide .

3233386 tn?1447024695
by mandaszoo, Oct 04, 2013
I am thinking of you. I think women mature especially when they become parents. Your DH sounds very immature and unable to fully be a caring husband and father but he is young,so I would try counselling and have a break at your mums Give him the chance to realise what he is missing and disscuss terms of sharing parenting. He needs to support you more. Even though I separated permanently in the end I had no regrets as I give my ex plenty of time to work things out with counselling etc . Take care

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Oct 04, 2013
this has been going on for quite some time, almost a year, that it's gotten progressively worse. I want my marriage and family to work out more than anything, and will try anything. I think if I left and he knew I was serious, he would definitely get smarter about it. He's 25, so he's not super young, definitely not too young to be an adult.

3233386 tn?1447024695
by mandaszoo, Oct 05, 2013
I understand , I think a break would be good. He may be 25 but he does not seem to be acting like an adult.  Like I said I did separate permanently and it was best thing for me and the kids who were all a lot happier . Take care

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Jan 28, 2015
What ended up happening with this K? obviously you're still together. But can you give me some insight on if you actually left, for how long, etc?

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Jan 28, 2015
I went through this with my husband.  Every day felt like a battle ground.  I felt irritated so often and hopeless.  It was when my kiddos were toddlers (they are 15 months apart).  Those were rough years.  We did go to counseling.  We learned some things.  Some little things that you don't think of when in the midst of not getting along.  Things like making the other feel appreciated.  So, we were told to say three nice things to our partner a day.  We were told to greet each other, say hello and goodbye with a hug/kiss no matter our mood or situation.  My husband was told to come through the door and think this as he touched the outside doorknob---  leaving work and stress behind and entering his safe zone.  He couldn't bring work or stress into the house and had to leave it there.  And then *I* had to make home feel safe.  So, I'd greet him and then he got thirty minutes to go upstairs, change, look at the paper and relax.  Before the counselor, he'd walk in the door and I'd say "here are the kids, blah blah blah" and have him jump right into the mix of family.  Sometimes the working partner needs some unwind time after work.  I found my husband would emerge from our bedroom kind of refreshed and ready to be a good family man.  I learned to pick battles.  When I tried to look at things from his eyes . . . I could see that I was unfair sometimes.  I was tired and stressed and anxious and this made me less accepting of where we differed verses being respectful of him.  He tried to also think of how I felt more as well.  To slow down the process of irritation by thinking does this matter?  Is it worth chipping away at my marriage over.  I found so many things weren't.  

Here is a strategy to control oneself.  It's an anger/irritation thermometer to pay attention to.  People start bubbling up with irritation and if nothing stops it, it goes to full blown being mad.  So, what if you had strategies to recognize it was happening and to stop it?  So, think of this (picture it, even write it down).  You have a simple thermometer with a ball at the bottom.  This bottom is your 'just right' spot.  It's where you are calm, things feel fine, you are relaxed.  Think about how you feel when it is like that.  Think of your face being relaxed, your heart beating normally, your voice calm, your hands relaxed, etc.   then think about that early stage of agitation. Where you are feeling a little bothered.  You feel yourself getting heated, a rising feeling of something in your chest, your face may be getting stern, your fists start to tighten, your voice is getting a little louder with an impatient tone.  You've now crossed over to the next segment of the thermometer.  When you feel this, think of what you can do to stop it.  This can be taking a moment to go off and take a couple of deep breaths (or clean a toilet).  It could be opening and closing fists to keep blood flowing and calming yourself.  You can give yourself a squeeze which directly calms our nervous system.  You can shock your husband and give him a hug.  that hug will release pressure and again, calm the nervous system.  You can do a walk but don't talk thing . . .   where you just walk and don't talk and he can't talk to you or you him.  You can have a diary that you go and furiously write in to get it out so that you don't speak it and it gets out of your system.  Picture when you close the journal that you are letting it go.  These strategies help to decrease agitation and to head it off.  If you don't catch it at this stage of anger/agitation---  you can do the same strategies at the next two stages which are---  after mild agiation, comes mad.  This is when you are raising your voice.  You are clearly angry.  the stage after that is rage where you are screaming and tempted to throw something (best to always head it off before it gets there).  

I found thinking of my anger in this way helped me catch it as it was building and allowed me to redirect so that I didn't go down the path of greater anger.  

Another thing that really helps is a monthly FUN time just you and hubby.  This is a date in which you don't talk about problems you aren't allowed to argue, you just go and do something you both enjoy and laugh and have fun.  it's to be light and relaxed.  Even if it is for one hour . . . .  those add to the positive side of your relationship bank account.  Those give you hope for better times.  

We worked through our difficult time, my husband and I.  We've been together 19 years and married for 15.  Sometimes I can't believe it was so hard.  We still have our moments but the home is pretty peaceful.  

Another thing, and this may be corny or not your thing at all, is calling on your faith.  I did this and I felt it helped.  I could never express why, but I did.  It's one of those faith things, I guess.

While I don't think an unhappy couple should be together for the kids, I do think parents have a duty to do their best to try to work out problems.  My husband and I verbalized that we never wanted to divorce. SO, this helped us because we then had to CHOOSE to make it better.  that attitude of 'this is it, be happy or miserable . . .   so let's try to be happy" really went a long way to motivating us both to work with each other and get on the same page.  

I don't know if I went a little crazy with the advice here but I feel for you.  I've been where you are at and hope that you too can solve this so that you can stay with your husband.  peace and hugs

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Jan 28, 2015
OMG I see this is an old journal now.  I am sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I should check that before posting.  yeesh

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Jan 29, 2015
Actually specialmom, that's good advice any time, lol! We of course run into rough patches but nothing like when we did here! We have also talked and absolutely never want to divorce, so we always work hard to fix problems when they happen, just this funk seemed to last forever before we got it!

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Jan 29, 2015
Ri, I think we just got sooo bad at each other for so many days and weeks that it got to where we would barely talk, and when we did it wasn't the happiest. I never did leave, but I sat down and talked to him calmly, but very seriously, that if things didnt change, I would not raise my kids in an unhappy enviornment for 18 years. He did little talking during that conversation, and I just started pretending I was living alone, I didn't bounce off his bad vibes, I played with the kids often, I made the kids happy by focusing all my attention on them, that made me happier and less stressed not dealing with two miserable kids all day, and me being less stressed and happier made it easier for him to come around and be happier. I learned if I have a good attitude, choose my battles, and talk to him before things get bad, we get along great. It was just no communication was the problem for us. We both knew we loved each other and wanted to stay together, we just didn't necessarily like each other at the time, lol!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Jan 29, 2015
I so wish my circumstances were different instead of someone essentially shoving me and my daughter out of the way :(
ugh

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