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The Big Heartache

Oct 05, 2013 - 1 comments






For 7 weeks we had hoped and prayed that the miracle god had given to us would make it into our arms and into our lives however this was sadly not the case..

Throughout our small time being parents, me and my wonderful partner got to watch our little miracle blossom and grow from nothing into a wonderfully small little baby however being small was our little ones problem.. After so many scans we began to realise that our child was rarely growing and then on our last scan was notified that he or she was only half the size our little squishie should have been and that there was a small bleed already forming due to abnormalities.

This morning the heartache came when our little squishie eventually passed through and all our hopes for the 1% chance survival had completely disappeared.. However.. Because we knew this would eventually happen.. We were prepared and as devastated as we were, we cried and talked of a future where one day our miracle will happen and for now.. In my eyes.. Our baby will be waiting for me and my lovely Adam when we get to heaven ourselves,. Goodbye is never forever and I know that in my heart my child will be there for me and I can have back the stolen time.

With this news comes to me though.,. A revelation.. Though our squishie is gone.. It's one more angel in the sky to help protect, love and guide mine and Adams future children through their lives, an angel that can give them the spiritual guidance and protection they will need that even me and Adam could never give. Our future children will never be alone and I know.. When our future children arrive that one day I will tell them that they have an angel to watch them, to protect them and to ensure they are never alone, they will know that like me they will have a little brother or sister always ensuring that they can feel free and loved.

But there's also one other thing that helped me through.. A poem I had found that put everything into perspective and I wanted to share it with all those who like me had lost a part of themselves but hold on to the knowledge that it's not forever and that there was a reason for all our lost little ones...

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!


My partner couldn't bring himself to read the poem I had found and I can't blame him, he questions why our child was taken from us after we did EVERYTHING right, all the right foods, bed rest, all the right vitamin and mineral tablets, supplements.. Nothing was done wrong and yet those that walk through their pregnancies who don't do anything right through continuous smoking, drinking and everything else can still have their children when we struggled for so long to have ours  and know it could take time once again.. I know his pain but I know mine and Adams time will come when we do have a healthy child.. I pray that day will be one day soon..

Thankyou for all your support and all the lovely messages I had throughout my pregnancy.. The support meant more to me and my partner than anything as we felt a strangers kindness through their words.. Bless you all and I hope that you all have wonderful pregnancies and healthy children.


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by Ellen038, Oct 06, 2013
I'm so sorry to read this news. I know this is a difficult time for you both. Please know I'm always here if you need to talk. I've been thru this more then once last year. If I can help you in any way don't hesitate to PM me.

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