I figured it was time for a massive update again, i havent been on here in a while somthing which im going to fix i now have my laptop rigged up to bring me here daily for updates.
Well basics first i dont know what all ive put in my blogs / logs on here since jan so ...
In january i left my job quitting from american express as a high value agent due to stress / depression. i had finally had enough end ended up admitting myself into the pembroke general hospital becauase of what i can only call for lack of better wording medication overload. I was on 450 mg wellbutrin, 250 mg trazodone 75g mg effexor 1 mg clonazapam and 0.5 mg ativan for panic attacks. i wasnt able to remember dates to the point where i as getting confused about the year. After some time in the hospital i was released on better dosages and was being supported by ontario works who was paying for my now reduced load of meds (450 wellbutrin 200 trazodone and 150 effexor) which was keeping me at a stable level. However like all good govermenmt things .. they break down .. ontario works terminated my support saying i was elligable for EI, EI stated i was inelligable because i had quit my job on my own accord (regardless of my current mental state or history) so here i am stuck in a grey area. I was lucky enough to have a friend who i stayed with for a while until he decided that because i had no income i was to be his personal servant. I can understand wanting help around the house, i even helped around the farm however it got to the point where he would even throw chocolate bar wrappers on the floor and leave them there, the dishes would pile up till there was none left unless i did them. Not to mention at every chance he could he would undermine me, a friend had offered me some work asking me to fix computers for him, as soon as his friend would phone me he would phone back saying that he was supposed to do it and that he wanted the money for doing it. Then would remind me that i was not bringing in any income and bark about finances any chance he could. (was irresponsible with money to the point where he went out and bought 300$+ on paintball gear and was nearly unable to pay his truck payment)
Luckily i have a few good friends left, two friends in ottawa have taken me in for the time being and are doing there best to see if they can get me on my feet. Im tired of not being able to do anything because i have zero money to my name, my overdraft is in overdraft and i feel worthless making me even more depressed. At least they encourage me to better myself and have even gone as far as to see their ontario works councellor for some advice. I want to be back on my own, standing at least becasue the longer this goes on the more my moods are getting worse. Ive been off my meds for since the beginning of april, luckily have only self harmed a few times since but my moods keep going downhill it seems. I sleep more and more and the urges to harm myself are getting harder to deal with. Plus i know im a financial drain on them, no matter what anyone says. More than once ive thought about just up and leaving int he middle of the night, i hate being a burden.
As for my family well im only a self pity case to them, they want nothing to do with me unless they can control me. My mother not demanding but continuosly asking me to do this that and the other thing, whether it be a certain councellor or to be off my meds. I have ZERO use for my family anymore, any of them becuase all they do is fight with eachother and bicker. Doesnt matter if its the family telling Cassie off because of her past actions, bickering about my grandmother Iona's achoholic issues, my other grans new boyfriend taking up all her time and ignoring family or my aunt donna and her son of satan kid. Im tired of all of it and if my family ever reads this I want you ALL to know Grandpa Art would have been disgusted with the lot of you, your all ******* adults and all you can do is act like children insult eachother and cause ****. As far as I am concerned I am NOT nor was i ever part of your family. My biological father may have never been there for me but at least he wasnt a total waste of skin, while he had his cowardly moments when push came to shove at least he did try once in a while.
I realize this is probably turning into a huge rant but right now it feels good to get some of this stuff off my chest. I have held so much in over the years, cracking at times only to be reminded by my parents that im a guy i should act like a man and suck it up. Well guess what im human. Ive dealt with more than any one person should in his life and im not even 30 , all the illnesses as a kid (and i found out depression & bipolar can be linked to bacterial meningitis), dealing with watching a close friend die next to me when i was 11, dealing with sexual abuse from a neighbor for over a year & a half, living through a tornadoe & seeing things that make my skin crawl just by thinking of them, how about when i had to deal with all the **** that happened when peter had the stroke ? trying to be a teenager, student, and run your family business was just a breeze especially while being in a relationship with someone who had two kids while i was 20. Im not god nor do i want to be, i dont want pity from people, i want understanding. I want a family who can look at me and not go "ohh im so sorry" but who can say "I have an idea why that might make you feel that way" . Bad enough having to deal with very few friends (the ones i do have however have been a blessing in disguise thank you) but having to deal with my own family treating me like im a genetic mistake ? not going to happen anymore.
Its time for ME to live, I want to go back on my meds and be at least somewhat stable. I want to feel like i have some self esteem like i am a valuable person with a good heart. I want to live for myself without the judgement of people who pretend to be my friends. I know this is a lot to ask but at least some of it would be nice. Waking up and feeling some self worth would be a good start again. Not having my moods go from one end of the spectrum to the other in the course of a day or less, not feeling suicidal and not wanting to injure myself long enough for all the cuts to heal or at the least not be adding anymore scars. Would be a good start i think ... maybe im just having one of those over ideal dreams but time will tell ... im going to stop typing now before i overload this server with all my feelings ...