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Can't I just be cured??

May 26, 2009 - 0 comments

Its 78 degrees in the house right now.  Really nice outside, but I'm ******* freezing!  Got goosebumps all over but sweating in my pits!  How much longer?  I'm on Day 11!  

Been alone all day since hubs is working a super long shift and won't be home until 10:30pm or so.  Got 3 hours of sleep, woke up about 7am, then stayed up for a bit, had some more of that SleepyTime tea and 5 mg Valium and was able to then get another 2 1/2 hours of sleep mid day, till the neighbor's landscaping woke me....argh....

I can't seem to concentrate on TV much, so I've been surfing the net addictively downloading music and such.  I also have been looking for jobs since I've been needing one, and was putting off really looking because I was ******* HIGH all the time!!!  Listening to Adam Lambert singing "Mad World" over and over again, makes me so emotional.

I do have a job interview for Thursday, its just as a ticket taker at the local discount movie theatre but hey its something..... I'll take anything in this economy!

I've also been to the library and checked out a few memoirs and books on addiction.  Augusten Burroughs always entertains, at least when I have the ability to concentrate on a book.  Checked out that "Alcohol and Addiction Cure" book they advertise on TV, so we'll see if that book "cures" me- HA.  If only!

This is the first time I've really been able to sit and write something about myself and it feels good.  At least for the minute.  I'm sure I'll be anxious in two seconds or so.  Then I'll feel depressed for a few minutes.  Then optimistic.  

My stomach is hurting me so bad too!  I don't know why!!! It feels like its eating itself!  I'm trying to eat healthy- not to mention eating a LOT (I lost about 60 lbs on Tramadol and now have a nice slender body instead of being a bit thick).  I don't think the multivitamins and all the Ibuprofen for the hip pain are agreeing with my stomach, but I don't have a choice.  Eating Tums that are two years expired, hope I don't die :)

Later I'll write in more detail about my jail experience from last week....two days for Criminal Mischief and Abuse (I was two days into detox got upset and trashed my apt.)  Now I have to go to court- I had a video arraignment and I could have pled guilty -they changed the charge to Disturbing the peace and  been released for time served but because I disagree with it I pled not guilty thus will have court but they let me out anyways because they're just charging me with an infraction- still who the **** spends 2 1/2 days in jail for an INFRACTION??? I was in there with all sorts of freaks!!!!  And didn't sleep a wink!).  This comes almost  a year after my four days in jail for attempted prescription fraud- luckily no charges were filed.  I'm such a **** up, man.....

I am so ashamed for the stuff I've gotten myself into- but I can only hope that staying clean will put it past me.  Maybe eventually my family and friends will trust me again......  :(

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