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DEPRESSED, ANGRY,  WISH I WAS NEVER  BORN, I AM JUST A PAIN IN TH E A _ _!

May 27, 2009 - 6 comments

Today  started late for me. I didn't wake up until 11:10AM!  I never sleep that late.  Then when I was cleaning and I have a beautiful night light in the bathroom well I went to wipe it of and broke it. I was a gift from my son Troy, so now I was upset.  So like an idiot I went through our little place to clean it before my  hubby got home.  Why??  I don't know, it is what I use to do before Fibro, and every other illness I have. My hubby doesn't want me to do that, he doesn't care if the house is cleaned everyday.  So when I finished and took a shower before Mike came home. Didn't quite get through and Mike said you know you have a 3:30pm with your Physciatrist, it was 3:00pm!!  I have never showered, dried and dressed so fast ever:)  

I was 5 minutes late. It was a wasted appt. today. I went in to review my medications & discuss a couple of things like why am I crying so often & depressed.  He said I should read this book FEELING GOOD get back to him. He told me It would cure me!  Then he tells me he is a child's physciatrist, how is that going to help me??  And the guy I was seeing that I thought was my Physiologist is a Social Worker. I came home with my hubby, mad as hell.  I got on the phone with Membership services, told them my story and I wanted to change Physiciatrist  and that I did not wan't a Social worker. I asked why they don't just do it with one person?  I don't mean to offend any one in those lines of work.  But I don't like not being told this from the beginning.  My HMO sends their emotional patients to someone like a Social Worker 1st then to a Psychiatrist. NO SENSE:(   I have a TBI and it takes me forever to read and comprehend what I just read. I cannot sit and read, after about 5 minutes and I forget what I read.  So this book  named FEELING GOOD might help many people, I have been like this for 40 yrs. after the car accident. I had a severe concussion & multiple skull fractures, in a coma for nearly 3 weeks. My Mom was told I was not expected to survive.  Then I was told today that if I read this book it will cure me.  He is out of his frigin mind. I am not buying the book he do what ever he wants to do with it.  I just want an adult Psychiatrist & a Physicologist to see me. Is that so hard??  Am I being unreasonable?  

When we came home I went to our room and put my purse away. Then I remembered what a good friend of mine said she does some time so I did it I slamed as door and screamed as loud as I could, I was just furious. I guess I scared hubby & 1 out of 2 cats to death.

I feel betrayed by our HMO.  I don't know what I am going to do next--physiciatrist prescribes my depression meds.
I think I think I am going to email my IM DR. let him know my situation and call an see if can schedule an appt. with him to discuss all this and will he be able to prescribe me my phys. meds.

I am just empty inside. My hubby is afraid to leave me to go to work. He has a right to do that. I know I am not alone that I have my forum family.  I really need you now.  Because I am in a very dark place and I not sure I want out this time.  I don't know where or what to do, I just want don't want to think anymore.  

I have gotten more from all my forum family & friends. Thank you:)

Don't worry I am not going to hurt myself, I have enough Medical conditions that are already taking care of that for me.

Good night,
Shar









Comments
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611606 tn?1315521367
by ShadowsSister, May 27, 2009
Shar,
Needless to say your Journal caught my eye right away. Last September I also went to a dark place, talking to our group helped, than I remembered THAT I AM NEVER LONE, MY HEAVENLY FATHER CARRIES ME WHEN I AM AT MY WEAKEST MOMENTS.
I have NO idea of what your faith might be, but I believe that through Faith is where we find HOPE, no matter how dark the night, light will arrive in the morning. Just think about it.
Shar, I never thought for one second that you would do harm to yourself and all those who LOVE & NEED YOU. You need to know you aren't alone and that someone was listening...
You may read my journals if you want, they tell about my life and twenty three years of living with Chronic Progressive MS...
There is so much more to who I am than CPMS...
I'll be keeping you in my daily prayers and sending you daily hugs[[[[[~!~]]]]]]], I hope to hear from you...
NIGHT-NIGHT, SWEET DREAMS AND A BRIGHTER DAY Tomorrow

599170 tn?1300977493
by Cherie762, May 27, 2009

shar. so very sorry your going through this, HMOs suck. a childpsych for an adult. beyomd ridiculous.I hope you stand strong and fight for your rights, and so far as your doc telling you to read a book and it will cure you well if thats true what the he!! do ya need him for? I would not bother with the book at this point sure theres tons of self help books , thats not why folks go to psychiactric appointments,

as far as the screaming that is very very healthy to let it out.,beat the crap outta your bed pillow, It helps suppressed emotions of any kind lead to tons of illness , including heart attacks..so go for it.


Listen to me , the reason i am awake and have been for hours is because a 17 year old boy a friend of my tow eldest kids killed himself Friday we just found out he hung himself, the pain his parents and sister and girlfriend are going through as well as the small community we live in is beyond believe..dont go to that dark place,,,ther is so much help..if you can not find any I will do a search in your area and help you.

I know fibro sucks. and its sad you broke something your son made you, those are the most precious gifts, ask him to make you a new one...Im here if you need to talk...Cherie

751951 tn?1406636463
by PastorDan, May 27, 2009
Sharj, I have to agree with the thoughts of SS & Cherie up above.  This is an inexcusable misdirection of energy on the part of both your HMO and the child psychiatrist.  Venting your frustrations is likely quite normal, but once you've done that, you know the next productive step to take must be taken.  It sounds like you're already well on your way to doing that, seeking a new provider from the HMO.  As you noted, and as Cherie pointed out, we are here for you.  SS reminded us that God is with us no matter where we go, and I've often said that He is at His best when I am at my worst.

Let me know if I can help in any way, my friend.

918075 tn?1243427969
by mackbergs, May 27, 2009
Shar,

My prayers are for you this morning! I pray that the burden you have be lifted off you starting today! I pray that if needed the right doctors will be there to catch you, and if they do not, the angels that god has assigned for you will! Ask your husband for a nice hug and kiss, go get some tea and toast, and sit down and watch a movie or listen to music. Take care of you and then your husband and then worry about house cleaning another day. Enough advice for the day.

God Bless,
Kemah (greenfield, MA)

872994 tn?1247868806
by BARBIE123841, May 27, 2009
my knees will be on the floor praying for ya! i am only 27 i cant imagain living with the pain for fourty yrs its already been four yrs for me i will not be able to handle 40 no way!!!

Avatar universal
by kitonthemoon, May 28, 2009
Hey Girlfriend,

You hang in there before I can get to you okay.   Everyone here is very supportive and I'm sure you find their response to you comfoting, touching.

I'll ring you in a sec.

Lots gentle huggies,
Kit

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