May 30, 2009
I had a very dear friend that calls me a couple times a month and emails to check on me. She has become my life teacher. She knows me so well and we have note met, that does not matter because I feel like she has been in my life forever. Yesterday she called and we had a very long talk about my previous journal entry. We also have a lot in common. We both have Fibro. and each having other illnesses.
She has been telling me for months to take baby steps in everything to heal. She is now trying to help me learn to be kind to myself and love myself. I have never ever thought about myself as far as being kind & loving myself. There has been so many of you that have helped me a lot and we have become friends. But this lady has been in so much pain but she laid on the floor to talk to me. I was not in a good place earlier this week, still not out of the dark place completely, but she has helped me and given me direction. That my work is done with raising my sisters when they were little, now I am done raising my 4 kids they are adults moved and have their own lives/families. Of course I will never stop worrying about them.
Right now I am focusing on my husband & I learning all the changes we have made in our home, lives, now our garden. He is having a really hard time right now for many reasons as I am. We are high school sweat hearts & married 36 yrs. it will be 37yrs. August 5th. He does not want to go to work & leave me, he is worried if I will be here when he comes home. I have days when I don't think he deserves all this worry and pain we are both going through. I know our Wedding Vows said in sickness & Health: For better or Worse. But the last thing I wanted to ever do is make things worse because of my health. Ever since he bought me my Power Scooter he has been acting different, I sure I have to. Mike says he loves me and is not going anywhere, I believe him. I just don't know if I want to put him through all the things that Fibro, does to me, plus the Chronic Pain. And all the baggage I brought into our marriage. He has been there. May be I am rambling now.
I am still frustrated about the psychiatrist (child) & (the social worker) instead of a Psychologist situation. I am still trying to get that mess straightened out. HMO we have been with the same one for over 23yrs. and not had this much trouble. My primary Dr. cannot prescribe my emotional meds. I hope I can get this fixed.
Back to this Lady that is teaching me to love myself & be kind to myself. I just want to thank her. She did tell that if I am going to scream I should let my hubby know first so he does not get scared and he take care of my cat:)
You let me cry, and try to make me laugh or smile, and she does. Even when I know she is in pain, a lot of pain just like all of us. I am getting very tired. I love all of you, thanks for all your support.
My sweet J.K. thank you for helping me learn how to deal with my life, learning to live a happy life. I am going to try, baby steps though okay? God has brought us together this I know, and to MH. I just want you to know I love ya. And for never giving up on me.
Love to all,