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I'm not afraid to say I'm scared...

Jun 06, 2009 - 4 comments

I'll admit it...I'm scared of something going wrong. Everytime I imagine a situation where it goes wrong, I get it out of my head as fast as possible.  But it's not easy.  We've tried so hard for this and to think that we are so close, but still so far from seeing our dream become a reality.

Last night was hard. DH is out of town and I was alone and as usual, I woke in the middle of the night and wasn't able to fall asleep.  Then the cramps started, cramps that were worse than anything I have felt, so far. More like AF cramps than the dull ones I've been feeling on and off. And oh, the pelvic bone pain was just horrible...I couldn't get comfortable! I was so worried that I was going to start bleeding. I went to the bathroom, several times, just to check.

Now, this morning, I feel stupid. Of course, there are going to be cramps and there's not one iota of spotting/tinge or anything. And my bbs are still hurting (but you should see what a wreck I become if they stop hurting as much...geez oh pete!!)

And here is the only place that I truly confess all my fears...I get tired of the people's comments in my life, so I keep it to myself.

I told the first person outside of the true inner circle, but still someone who has been on this journey with me (to some degree)....she cried so instantly that it took my breath away. She also brought me roses the next day (I'll explain my rose story in my next journal)....but I panicked after telling her. Like somehow, now that I've said it out loud, it won't really happen...I've jinxed it. I know. I know. Ridiculous. What will be will be and it's always in God's hands.

I wish I knew if what I was feeling in the morning was m/s. It would be a good feeling to know that I had that (someone, who meant well, said 'oh, I hope you get sick..it's such a good sign to be sick'....to which I immediately translated using 'Lisa-ese' and heard 'it's not a good sign if you're not sick'!!  But I'm not laying on the bathroom floor dying..it's more like I feel like I'm about to give a big speech, I can't eat, I'm a bit shaky and the smells of ANYTHING make me icky. But it goes away after an hour or two of moving about.

I've always said that I don't do 'subtlety' well...I want blazing hot and huge signs of what's to come; even though I know that I don't want to rush through this...I want to enjoy every minute of being pregnant! Every second of it...

I'm not complaining, please don't think that I am...I'm just scared.

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216278 tn?1308861082
by wanting4#1, Jun 06, 2009
I just noticed that I have another journal titled the same thing....guess I need to learn from my recurring bad habits!

212720 tn?1304375415
by Quinns momma, Jun 06, 2009
We all have the same fears. Even I do and my first pregnancy was perfect. I have had no previous losses but I am always a nervous wreck in the first trimester. Until I have my first u/s and see the heartbeat I am anxious as hell.  I wake up every morning and make sure my boobs are still tender. ;)   I do not have too many cramps or twinges of pain and even that makes me nervous. I do have muscle pain if I move to quickly so I am assuming things are stretching out down there quicker since I had a previous baby.

Also "it's a good sign to be sick" Is absolute hogwash.   I was not sick my with my daughter and that pregnancy was fine., We are also pretty early to feel too sick. It starts more around the 6-8 week mark.

Take care and try to relax.
Kelly


377493 tn?1356502149
by adgal, Jun 06, 2009
Like Kelly said, even with no history of loss, the first trimester is scary.  When you have had loss and especially multiples, it can be down right terrifying.  I feel the same way you do right now, so know you are not in this alone.  It doesn't matter that all is pointing to things going well, it is very hard to push away those frightened thoughts.  It's natural, and you shouldn't feel silly.  I too check every hour or so (sometimes more) for signs of spotting.  Over analyze every symptom...worrying if symptoms today are not as strong as yesterday.  All we can do is take this day by day and know it is not in our hands.  What will be will be.  But you know what.....there are so many women here who have been through what we have, and gone on to have a successful pregnancy.  I cling to that, and hope it inspires you too.  We can do this sweet lady, we really can.  I won't tell you to relax, because I know you won't until that second trimester at least.  Come here, vent and let it out.  You are amongst friends and people that understand and care.  I know our friends and family care, but it is hard for them to truly understand.  I always say I am not going to tell until I am into second trimester....that never ever happens.  I find myself telling people almost right away.  It's sad, because no one even says congrats anymore...they just look at me with kind of a sad look, and tell me that they hope it all works out well this time.  It hurts me.  You are going to be ok, and know that it is ok to be scared.  That is not negative, its a result of experience.  Celebrate every day you are pregnant as a victory, and try to take it one day at a time.  Right now those first 12 weeks seem like  a lifetime, but every day brings you one day closer.  Try to believe all will be well, and in my opinion, it's best to keep busy!!!  Hang in there honey, you will get there.  Believe that!!!!  XOXO  Amanda

Oh, and if all else fails, I believe Rachel has straight jackets for both of us....lol!!!!

216278 tn?1308861082
by wanting4#1, Jun 06, 2009
I can't say thanks enough to you all. I know that I sound like a broken record, but you still come back with positive words and reinforcements for me!

I'm going to try to do what you say...I really am. Today I am pregnant and that is a victory. Nothing in life is a guarantee and I am just going to try to enjoy this moment. Until there's bleeding, there's no reason for me to be worried and why ruin a perfectly good day worrying about something that's not happening.

I'm also going to try to stay very busy! :)

Hugs,
Lisa

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