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my first journal

Dec 11, 2013 - 4 comments

I'm just checking this site out, I've really only been on the forums and I'm doing this all on my phone, so apparently it doesn't show me everything and I have to search for other things. But its cool, I love this site and it and the people here have helped saved my life!!! I just found this journals part and I'm quite the journaler lol, even went to school for journalists lol, and I just love to read and write!!! I guess this journal will be about my journey to becoming clean and welcoming recovery.

I took my first pain pill at 16, when my Dr started handing them out like candy, whenever I wanted them in large amounts. It was hydrocodone back then, prescribed for my endometriosis fibroids and cysts. Through the years, I had about 19 surgeries trying to fix me and everyone handing me tins of pills. Lortab, vicodin, Norco, all kinds of stuff.

By the age of 20, I was tired of all the drs and surgeries and pills so I just stopped going. That was the first time I went through withdrawal and had no idea what was going on. I researched a little and found out some stuff about lortsb and the like. This was the first time I even realized it might be bad. I just trusted my Dr, I was so young and really didn't know any better.

But even finding that out didn't stop me
It actually furthered my addiction and made me feel like I really needed it. I got a new Dr, she gave them to me monthly, but she wasn't as generous as my first Dr. So I started buying them off the streets and I lived this way for years on and off, mostly on.

There came a time when the drs became tight with the lortabs  realizing there possible problems probably. So all I could find to buy off the streets was oxycontin, roxy, opana, that kind of stuff. For a while I resisted but finally I tried one and oh boy did I love them. Too much. So began a good 4 year love affair with them, on and off, mostly on of course.

But this time I have decided to get clean for good. I am better than this. My children deserve better, I can't spend all my money on these things, I'm having to go through shadier people lately, and I'm just tired of the merry go round of pills, constantly counting pills, making sure I had enough for certain things. Worrying about running out, and when I did run out, going through withdrawal while desperately searching for someone with pills so I could go spend all my money just to be normal. It just got ridiculous and out of control!

So I decided to quit. To get off the pill merry go round for good and hop on the withdrawal rollercoaster until it ends at the new/old real me! November 10 I took my last roxy, my doc. But then I ended in taking an opana around Dec.5. And then about 9 Percocet. And then a few subs. So my last day taking any opiate or sub or anything is now December 8. And I don't plan on ever going back! I'm done!

I hope to look back at this one day when I get off the rollercoaster and I'm back to the real me, full if optimism confidence love and gratitude and see this scared little girl just starting and tell her its going to be ok and worth it and feel so much better physically emotionally everything. Everything will be crisp and clear and clean and you will get back to the real you, just keep keeping on. All you need is faith trust and pixie dust lol ;-)))

Comments
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by Sonrissa, Dec 11, 2013
Hey Girl, awesome job on your first journal! Keep writing. It seems like you've come full circle. Don't ever lose the attitude you have today. Times will get tough. Life will be hard, crap will happen.....  That's when you come here and read your first journal, and see where you've been. See how far you've come. See where you want to go.

You can do this! Hell, you ARE doing this!

Avatar universal
by ROSYouralright, Jan 15, 2014
If your reading this... Please reach out and let us know wth is going on? So many people are literally sick, crying, and very upset...

Avatar universal
by msdelight, Jan 15, 2014
Tiger this is not the end. You can still come back to us. You can see how much we care. Every one messes up. PM me if you want to talk about it ok? Love, L.

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by Heather8448, Jan 15, 2014
Tiger....please say something

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