Dec 15, 2013
Ok this is what is going on..Thank You for telling me I am not driving you all nuts. I do need SUPPORT. I get wonderful support from my Hub but this is so hard on him too and he is watching out for me and does not want anybody to stress me out anymore..Like some that Call if you get my drift.lol
I have lost many, many Loved ones right after another through out my Life..Boom, Boom, Boom they went..Even the Kids who had Kids had died and a few of their Children after. Well I guess back in those days all the way up to last year I Numbed myself in some way..SO when my Dad just died a couple of weeks ago I had dealt with this with True Feeling for the first time..My Dad would comfort me by saying he lived a good life and that he Believes and is ready to GO
On the other Hand my Mom was just a Trooper..She just kept up her Humor and so on..Then when we got the News and she knew there was not much more they could do she went into a depression and was just nodding out all the time. She was or is not able to do all the things she used too. She keeps saying she does not want to die and feels that she worked so hard and that God let her down. She thinks God or No One cares. SHE FEARS DEATH!!! Now I had the preacher came down yesterday but I think he went all over to where she did not get to talk about what is bothering her. Hospice is going to send one out too..I think she really needs to know all she can about having Faith and knowing that God is a forgiving God..There is so much more that she has some quilt about leaving my Step dad for a guy for over 15 years. She went in and talk to him (dad) about this and he said he had already forgave her..This guy died a couple of Years ago on Christmas day just like her son did back in the 80s..She feels like she should of been there for them both and maybe they would be here today..This is not so. She fears Christmas becasue of all of this. There is SO much more..
Now for me this is hard becasue I see her everyday and can not see how fast she is declining. I am used to her funny since of Humor and her Positive out look..She would try to do everything she could with out help..I told her that I am sorry that I can not do all this work around here like I could of did in the past.( I do alot of work)she understands and rather it not be done at this time if it is going to trigger me to get a Buzz on going. I had someone come up and prepare some blended meals but she does not like it and she can not even taste it.I get on her somewhat about her eating becasue all she eats is Yogurt and Mac-n-Cheese becasue of having only a Half of Tongue..She has tons of Protein drinks here to..Before all of this she was making her Shakes and some food..Now she does feel a bit tired and she can get a bit of energy here and there to do this..She did not want any outside help at all. BUT we did finally agree about Hospice after I explained it to her that they are not here to kill you..They will live in the Day with you and want you to be happy..So Now it is getting to the point where I need Home Health so they can take some of this stress off of me for cleaning her house and everything I am doing now. I walk a few feet over here day in and day out to talk and be with her and now I find myself picking up after her too. She is very Stubborn and tries to do this alone but her Health is going fast and I am afraid of her hurting herself. I guess I am being a Mother hen in one way but I get Mad in another way. I am watching this all go down in front of me and it is just killing me. She does not want to move to a Nursing Home and this would kill her for sure. My Hub & I are caught in a catch 22 here. He does not want me to walk over here one day and see her Gone..This would Hunt me the rest of my Life.BUT I do not want her to move right now and she does not either..This is why she does not tell us things becasue she is afraid we will move her..So a part of me thinks she is being kind of selfish (in a kind of a way) becasue she knows this is just Stressing us to the Max's..Now I know there might be a time and real soon that she will have to move for her own safety. I just think she could get so much care and help that we are doing all day our selves..BUT i have to keep her happy and moving away is not going to be this right now. I just wish she would not FEAR and have Faith..I know, I know this is not up to me and I know God will come into her Heart soon. One day I am OK and the next all I can do is flip out and cry. My emotions are going every which way. In one hand they all say to be here for Support but in the Other I am her personal care giver. This is all different when it is your own Family. SO at this point I am going to get some help besides Hospice..I just did not want everyone in here all at once..I figured we would work up to it..SHE does not want anybody here..They asked to give her a Bath and she said no she wants me too..OK here we go again..She is my Mom and I know I should help but it is just tearing me down right now. I am not in the greatest shape to do this 24-7 and this is what I have been doing.
Today she is in a way better mood and we are going to go out to the dollar store and such..I know she will not last out in town for to long. Maybe the shock just was to much and now she is slowly excepting this..She is better today then she has been in a couple of weeks. SO I need the extra help and I wish someone was here all the time..I am OK being here becasue I love her so much..She has always been my Best friend more then a Mom..If you know what I mean. Also I just know if I move her right now this would kill her Mentally, Physically and Spiritually..Her Heart would be broken and she would think WE do not care..SO this is all just so Fing hard right now and I am Lost...lol I feel like sometimes I am going to be buried before her becasue of all of this.
Thanks for Caring..