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Stick a fork in me...I'm done!

Jun 19, 2009 - 11 comments
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Relationships

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daughter

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support

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Women

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feel



I feel this amazing Calm has come over me.  The kind of calm you feel when you have finally made a very tuff decision and you feel the weight of the world slide off your shoulders...I have decided to put a stop to my disappointment in my daughter. I am done jumping thru hoops and always letting my feelings slide, just so she would show me some attention and affection and be there for me as I am always for her... I have tried and tried to maintain, what has become,  a one-sided, totally unfulfilling relationship with her.  You can, and do deal with always giving and expecting nothing in return when they are young children, but, by the age of 35, and a mother of two herself, you begin to expect or desire, a fair amount of giving and taking, a relationship on a little more even footing...I listen and support you and you listen and support me.  When did my precious little girl turn into this self-centered woman, who is a stranger to me, only going thru the motions of giving a damn about anything I am going thru?  It doesn't matter when it happened, it happened!  So, I am done.  Does that mean that I don't love my daughter?? No.  Will I be there when she needs me?? Yes.  I'm just thru taking the initiative, all the time, to make this relationship work.  If I was a gambler, I would bet a lot of money that she won't even notice...So, that is how I feel,  right this moment...will I stay strong in my resolve?  I don't know, I will take it, one day at a time...

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Avatar universal
by ravensong, Jun 19, 2009
I am not where you are with your resolve inthis situation,But check this out.....You have inspired me with your eloquent honesty!Keep up the calm resolve,being an inspiration will be empowering for you too!Thank-you!

203342 tn?1328740807
by April2, Jun 19, 2009
I understand how you feel and I think you've made a wise decision. You need this for your own peace of mind. We are only in control (to a point!) of our own lives. We cannot change another person. Only God can. I've struggled with letting go and giving people over to God but I've discovered that when I do, I feel peace because it's in God's hands now and there really isn't anything I can do about it anyway! All I can do is pray for the person and allow God to work on that person's heart. I know I can't do anything, except make things worse, which is often times what happens. But when I step back and let God have control, that's often when I see miracles too.

I pray your daughter will come to realize what a wonderful mother she has and will learn to appreciate you. Peace and blessings to you and your family. God bless.
April

915277 tn?1252576713
by joycekatherine, Jun 19, 2009
When I was alerted by email that I had a couple of comments on my journal, I was a bit apprehensive.  As a child, I was taught to stifle any negative feelings, put on a smile, act like everything is wonderful...so, when I wrote about my relationship with my daughter, I fully well expected for people to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop complaining.  Imagine my surprise, when I received, two beautiful notes of, not only support, but, to say that I was inspiring!!  I am overwhelmed and so very grateful, to you both, Ravensong and April2!  I will report, from time to time, on how I am holding up, with my resolve, and even when, or if,  I backslide...in a weak moment, I know that I may backslide, but, I'm not going to beat myself up if that happens.  What I am trying to accomplish is very contrary to my nature, I know I won't be able to stay strong all the time, but, who knows, maybe, I'll even surprise myself...


460185 tn?1326081372
by lonewolf07, Jun 19, 2009
Loved the title  = )

My youngest daughter and I are estranged for seven years now and at her choice.  She has very little to do with me.  I'm still trying to figure out what I did.  My other three children and I have the usual kind of relationship mothers have with adult children but the youngest .... nothing can describe the pain I feel.  She didn't even care that I had a heart attack - she was too busy blaming me for having the cat she abandoned euthanized.  The cat would have been 25 this year so he was hardly abused.

I don't hide my emotions anymore unless I have to.  I used to be like Mr. Spock but I just can't do it.

I don't know you that well but I feel safe and comfortable talking to you so I must like you.  Can't imagine you not being a caring and loving mother.  EVERY MOTHER MAKES MISTAKES.  Our children need someone to blame for their own shortcomings and they usually blame the one they know will always love them - their mother.  It doesn't make the pain any less though.

Take the fork out .... you're done  = )

Hugs and prayers .... Natalie




915277 tn?1252576713
by joycekatherine, Jun 19, 2009
Natalie, I will take all the hugs and prayers I can get, thank you!  I am sorry that you are in the same boat as me as I know how very painful it is...I have cried rivers of tears over this issue and I finally decided to remove myself from the cycle of constantly "begging" for her attention and then not getting it and being devastated, yet again.  I have always been there for her and have given my love without judgment or conditions.  I have never done anything to her, to make her this way, other than maybe I gave too much...until I wrote this journal and a question on the Women's Social Forum, I had no idea that there were so many Moms in my position...it is so sad...
Hugs & Prayers right back atcha!  joyce

Avatar universal
by SetandSpike, Jun 20, 2009
While I've been around only for 21 years, I've already learned that you can't make someone like you or get along with you. If the person is not willing to meet you halfway and put in some effort towards the relationship, there is absolutely nothing you can do to try and build or sustain that relationship. I think it's a very noble gesture of yours to not really give up, but accept the fact that things are better left the way they are. Your daughter will always be your daughter, and besides... it sounds like you giving her some space is the best choice you can make! Who knows, maybe by taking a step back and letting her live her own life, she'll learn to appreciate the job you've done raising her and might even take the initiative herself to try and form a relationship with you! It's funny, I see my mother going through the same thing with my older sister (25). My sister only calls the home when she needs my mom to look after my sister's kid. She also rarely comes over, and it's almost like my mom and sister have a broken relationship. I can't really relate both because I am male and because I have an excellent relationship with my mother.

All I can say is hang in there, and I wish you the best of luck!

915277 tn?1252576713
by joycekatherine, Jun 20, 2009
Setandspike, I really appreciate getting a younger person's point of view and also a male point of view...thanks!!

Avatar universal
by nikita101, Jun 24, 2009
hi joyce Katherine
found you here!
I am niki with the diabetic husband and a mother of 3, 14 and 11 yr old boys and a 4 yr old girl!
got to get one of them to bed and the other 2 off the computer!!
will email you again soon!!
Niki

599170 tn?1300977493
by Cherie762, Jul 11, 2009
Joyce,
You are going to be ok, infact you know that. Your a super compasionate kind person, Its easy for those who love us to take us for granite, I am sure thats whats happened with your DD it will get better it may take a brick to fall on her head but after a while she will get it. I know it will be difficult but please try to keep doing as you have with the grandkids, dont let them miss out on you cause of their mom. Love, Cherie

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by peggy64, Jul 11, 2009
Joyce, you did not sound like you were feeling sorry for yourself, to me. It sounded like you were just stating facts. It is so hard when we want something, especially something that we know is good and right. Unfortunately, as far as relationships are concerned, we can only do our part. Gosh, it hurts doesn't it? It is a deep heart hurt.

I am sorry you are having to go through this.



915277 tn?1252576713
by joycekatherine, Jul 11, 2009
My daughter called me on the 4th of July and we had a talk about all of this.  My daughter is used to me giving in to keep the peace...but, I am sticking to my guns, cuz, I know in my heart, that I'm not asking for anything out of the ordinary here!  So, then she sent me an email..."I work 60 hours a week, I have 2 kids", and on and on she went with the excuses...so I wrote her back and I asked her to put herself in my place, and how would she feel, if her kids told her that they did not have time for her, and that she was not important enuf, to them, to make the time?? I know that she carries a couple of grudges against me, for very minor things that have happened in the past...I told her, you have a choice, you can continue to hold these things against me, and we will never be able to be close like we once were, (I have apologized over and over) or you can let them go, forgive, and we can move on, and have a close loving relationship, it is in your hands now, I have done all I can.  Something I said must have hit home with her, she has called me twice in the last week and it was like old times!!  She has been thru a lot in the last 5 years...she had been married for 12 yrs, and was divorced 2 months when her ex was killed in a freak accident...he was working on a semi's brakes, when the truck lerched forward, crushing him, and killing him, instantly...he was the father of both of her kids, so I know it was very hard for all of them...in a time where most people would lean on their Moms, my daughter withdraws, as a way of protecting herself...she feels that if she doesn't get close, she can't get hurt!  But, I am trying to teach her, if you don't get in the game, you can't win...things are starting to look up now, I just hope it lasts, time will tell...just thought I would give you all an update and I sincerely, thank you all for your comments, advice and friendship...xoxoxoxoxoxo ;) joyce

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