All Journal Entries Journals

Welcome 2014

Jan 01, 2014 - 0 comments

Well I have had another birthday at the end of December and now 73 years old.  It is just over 2 months that I came off anti-depressant medication after 20+ years.  It has been an up and down time for all those years.  Sometimes I was so low I didn't think I could go on.  I lost jobs because of depression.  I couldn't pay my mortgage because I lost my job, so lost my house.  I walked out on my marriage because I got so low, like menopause and death of my mother.  I didn't realise it could be the start of depression.  

I regret so many things, but I can't change them.  I could never sustain another relationship because of depression.  I was with a partner in a difficult relationship and took an overdose, and ended up in hospital and then a psychiatric hospital.  That man stayed in my house.  I wanted him out.  Then he pretended top take an overdose to pay me back, and I ended up in casualty with top of my finger nearly chopped up because I was so upset with him I threw glass table lamps around and cut myself.  

I don't know ho I found the strength sometimes to survive depression.  It took everything away.  All that time I had a loving daughter who did all she could for me.  I struggled through years of depression and medication.  

Then I went on Effexor and felt so much better.  I took it for five years, and stopped cold turkey because I thought I could do without.  A year later depression hit again - very badly this time.  I thought I could not go on.  My daughter dragged me up.  So I went back on Effexor.

In January 2013 I went to my doctor for a medication review, which I had to do every year.  I had been back on Effexor for 4 years.  My doctor suggested I try stopping the anti-depressant.  I had felt well for a few years then, so said I would give it a try.

Over 10 months I went from 150mg Effexor daily to nothing.  As in UK capsules only go down to 75mg I had to go on generic tablets which I could cut up.  I had been on generic before and did not like it, but I had no choice this time.

I cut those pills over months to smaller and smaller amounts.  At the end I was taking just tiny amounts on a finger tip.  Well I am still feeling well.  I wonder if depression will come back.  I hope not, but I am aware it could do after so many years of depression.

I have amazed myself at how strong I have been for over 20 years.  I am hoping that as I am now in my twighlight years, I am free of illness.  It would be wonderful to live out my days without depression.  Yes some mornings I awake and feel a bit "blue" and sometimes I feel lonely.  I have a very supportive family, and although they have busy jobs and lives, they see me and take me out when they can.

I have a lovely pet cat who is so friendly.  Every morning he comes on my bed and pats my face with a paw, and he starts purring so loudly when I stroke him.  That cat does me so much good.  He is there for me all the time, as I am for him.  I honestly think he has helped me fight depression - I have had him 3 years.  I have always had pets.

When I was really low I got dogs so I would have to go out.  Alas dear little rescue dogs did not live long, and my heart broke when they died.  My last little rescue dog went blind, and he could not cope, and I had only had him 3 years.  The one before that became paralyised. He was in a wretched state after being badly treated on a puppy farm.   But I was there for them.  I nursed them.  But oh how it broke my heart to lose them.  So then I got the cat.  I have had cats for over 40 years.  Got my first one in 1964!!

A long ramble, and I am not posting for others, as this will surely bore them.  But it is all out now, and I am looking forward to the future.  I want to live the rest of my life depression free.  I am physically well and am on no medication at all.  I have a social life, and a loving family, and a couple of really good friends.  



Post a Comment