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Dating someone 20 years older than you..

Jun 19, 2009 - 14 comments

so my best friend has been with her S.O. for about 4 or 5 years now.. and she is my age 23 and he is 42.. she had a beautiful baby girl in august and he has two other boys from his previous marriage..  He says he is done having kids.. but she doesn't know.. she thinks she may want more kids in the future..  She was confiding in me the other day and she feels like if he doesn't want to have more kids and she does that.. that is a deal breaker for their relationship .. which i agree.. I wasn't exactly thrilled when she first started dating him due to his age but I have come to really love him just like i love her.. and i know he makes her happy so im very supportive but i can't help but to think that their relationship wont last because i know she truly wants more kids.  She normally comes to me with her problems and i am kind of preparing myself for when she comes to me with this one.. she doesn't know i am pregnant with my second yet.. we were waiting to tell everyone.. well we decided we are telling everyone on fathers day.. and i know that she will be very happy for me but at the same time i know she will be sad because of her situation with her bf.  We also have been talking alot about marriage due to the fact that she is my maid of honor.. she says she never wants to marry her boyfriend.. and that really threw me.. she said that if she had to leave him there wouldn't be any hassle if they weren't married.. ( as far as paperwork and getting a divorce). I honestly was shocked! i know she loves him and i honestly didn't know she felt that way. I asked her why she would stay with him if this is how she felt.. and she said she does love him but they are having problems ( disagreeing about kids and he drinks)   As anyone ever had an experience similar to this?

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by Cheyenne_08, Jun 19, 2009
My aunt is 36 and my uncle is 57. She is MISERABLE because she wants to "relive" her young years instead of being a responsible mom of 7! She had her first when she was 15, and has not stopped since. She is so miserable, but my thought is that she made her bed and now she has to lie in it. I know that is cruel, but sometimes people really need to think about what they are getting themselves into.

As for your friend, she really seems to have her head screwed on right :-) She knows that marriage can be difficult and complicated, and she knows that she wants children badly enough to end a relationship over it. I think your friend really knows what she wants and life and what she will do to get it, and the best thing you can do is support her :-)

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by Cheyenne_08, Jun 19, 2009
I guess I should aunt got a boob job a few years ago when her kids were all in need of serious teeth work, and goes to the bar EVERY friday and saturday night! My uncle has to sit there and not drink because he had pancreatitus (spelling). She gets drunk and dances all over other guys and leaves her children, (ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 6, 4) to fend at home. My oldest cousin by her is 19 and moved to Washington State to be with her older sister because she could not stand being the "live in babysitter" anymore. My uncle loves her to dead and that is why he goes along with it.....I can't stand it but we all sit back and smile and pretend we don't have an opinion. The reason I am telling you all this is because HUGE age differences can lead to problems later in life, or they may end up completely happy! Your friend will figure out what is best for her and do it...and you get to be the friend holding her hand, going along for the ride :-) Good Luck!

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by Nini2686, Jun 19, 2009
My fathers brother (my uncle) was 46 years old, divored and had a 17 year old son when he met my now Aunt Michaela. She was from Czech, 22 and spoke broken English. They got married right away and we thought he was crazy and going to ruin his life. Well that was eight years ago and two little beutiful kids later they are still going strong. Hes now 54 and she just turned 30.

Becuase of them, I believe that age has nothing to do with love and I will never judge anyone's relationship that has a large age gap. The reason their relationship works is becuase they comprimise and happen to want the same things in life. They have good communication.

If your friend already thinks that things may not work out they should def. not get married. Has she talked to him about their "problems" or how she feels aobut future children??

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by teko, Jun 19, 2009
I have a very dear friend that is 24 years older than her hubby. They are soul mates for sure. She is in her lower sixtys and he is late 30s. They have been married about 7 years.  But, now she is showing her age badly, and people make fun of them all the time, it is sad. He is a very good looking guy and no she is not made of money. Family has disowned both of them. Sad all around. Whether people are in love or not with that big of an age difference, something will open their eyes eventually.

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by adgal, Jun 19, 2009
I really don't think age matters either, her being 23 and him 42, no big deal. I do however have to question what a 38 year old man was doing with an 18 year old said they have been together 5 years right?  I am 40 and can't imagine being interested in someone just out of high school.  

Although the age difference now is no big deal, I can see where they may have different priorities and goals.  He may feel he is done with expanding his family, and she probably feels she is just getting started. He may be at a point where he is starting to look towards retirement, she is probably just really getting started on her career, figuring out what she wants.  There is nothing wrong with being in either place, but it can put strain on a relationship.  So no, age has nothing to do with love, however if two people have different priorities and goals, that can certainly cause problems.  Sometimes love is just not quite enough.  If she is unsure, I don't think she should marry him.  

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by JoyRenee, Jun 20, 2009
I know a couple that is 20 years different in age. They're married and ended up having 5 kids. He had a family that she didn't even know about until recently (divorced but he did have other children).

I think that such an age gap can put a major strain on a relationship. You're in different places in your life. He's probably looking forward to retiring in the coming years and her life is just beginning. She wants more kids, he doesn't. He drinks, she doesn't like it. I don't know, it might be best if they went separate ways, but none of us can truly be the judge of that.

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by jo929, Jun 20, 2009
This man was to old to start dating an 18 year old girl, and he knew it,plus i have seen this before, and it will not last, she will wake up, and find out that he will be to old to be a good dad at this age, and he is old enough to be her Father, she is young yet, and it will not be long until he will not have the energy to keep up with her, and i do not think that if he does not want children, he should not have anymore at his age, just my opinion, but if she comes to you for advice, i would not give any, as it could backfire, and you will lose a friend   luck to all  jo

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by Ariom63, Jun 21, 2009
Age is just a number!!!  So cliche but oh so true. I am 9 yrs older than my fiancee and we are getting married next year!  I cannot figure out for the life of me why people tend to freak out about an age difference.  Unless it is something really absurd, like an adult with a teenager or some thing. I have alot of friends who are married and are very close in age. but if I could only tell you half there stories...doesn't mean there marriage or relationship will last longer...or anything like that. It is all about 2 people and not the age that is between them!  Just my point of view!!!!

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by pinkbelle, Jun 21, 2009
I think age does have alot to do with it.. because when people reach certain ages for example 40 their lives aren't the same as a 20 year old.. their priorities are different.. Randi and Rick have been together 4 years and it has worked so far but she is just starting out in life and he has lived his life..  and he knows he wants no more children but she does.. so age does make a difference in some relationships..  me and my fiance are only a year apart and i couldn't imagine dating anyone who was more than 5 years younger or older than me .. i like the fact that  we are going through the same things and that we have similar goals. .. we are both just starting out in life .. neither of us had children before our relationship.. we have built this life together...  they are different he was married before and he has two other children..   i liked the fact that my fiance and I can grow together.. and experience everything together

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by adgal, Jun 21, 2009
We also change so much as we get older.  I am not the same person today I was in my 20's.  Most of us will not be.  Yes, primary values are the same, but goals and priorites have changed.  That's very normal.  DH and I are like you and your DF Ang.  Very close in age (actually, only 3 weeks difference) and I do think it helps our relationship as we are in the same place in life.  Not saying couples with major age differences can't or won't work out.  Plenty do.  But she was 18 or 19 when she met him, he was in his late 30's.  That is very different then say someone in their early 30's with someone in their 40's.   For your friend and her boyfriend, they are probably focused on very different things right now. It's natural and normal.  We live very differently now then we did in our 20's.  Your friend has so many things to experience still....and she should have that.  I wouldn't change things at all...I am glad I grew and experienced my life as I did.  I hope I am making sense....its so early here, couldn't sleep!

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by Ariom63, Jun 21, 2009
I guess I didn't read the entire post correctly...was very early when I read it! : ) I guess I choose to withdraw my remarks.

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by thedestiney, Jan 15, 2010
I recently ended a relationship that was similar to this.  He wasn't 20 years older than me, only 4 years.  We were together for 3 years, and I wanted to get married and start thinking about a family.  We didn't even move in together.  He wouldn't even talk about marriage and kids; every time I brought it up he made jokes.  This went on for so long that I ended it.  The similarity lies in the difference of needs and the ease of ending a relationship as opposed to marriage.  I am relieved that he did not propose because I would have said yes, and it would have been harder to get out.  I felt the same way, I loved him but I wasn't happy and my vision of the future with him was breaking down.  I think she's going to have to break up with him.  No matter how much you love someone, if you've gotten to a point where you don't want or can't get progress, it has to be over.  

Avatar universal
by sweetpea03, Mar 19, 2011
What ever happened to your friend's relationship?

I this has a lot more to do with compatibility issues than it does with age gap issues. In order for a relationship to work out, regardless of age, the couple must be on the same page and want the same things in life. My fiance is almost 11 years older than I am and we have a great relationship. Neither of us have children and would like to have a family in a few years. We have the same beliefs and goals in life. If a couple disagrees on something major, like children, they either need to compromise somehow or move on. That can happen with any couple, doesn't make it a problem for only those in an age gap.

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by mizliz613, Jul 08, 2012
Im 26 and my BF if 46, when we starting dating I thought he was 39.....then he told me he was 43....then I found out
he was 46....I have two children from a previous marriage and he has a young daugther so together we have 3 and I
found that we are a very loving happy family, never fighting over stupid things like I did in my previous marriage, my
ex was only 2 years older than me. I cant date men my age because they are so immature and want to party and
be with their "friends" I was basically tricked into dating my 46 y.o. BF because he lied, he said "if i told you how old
I really was would you have given me a chance?" and I def. would have not given him a chance, its like OMG 20 YEARS!!! but now I'm already in love with him and it doesnt matter anymore

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