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Guilt

May 01, 2008 - 0 comments
Tags:

guilt

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fears

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Blood

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years

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Bleeding

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other

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name

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school

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cat

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Relationships

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abandonment

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Death

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Depression



Lately, I've been having these horrible dreams, these horrible bloody dreams..
Long story short, 4 ( soon to be 5 ) years ago, I saw my mom try to commit suicide my stabbing herself in the wrist with a large knife. I don't think that they know I saw.. I ran to my room straight after. I've never told anyone about it until I joined MedHelp. A few days after I posted my journal entry about it, I told my best friend Savana because I was sick of hiding it from her. ( We had made a promise to never hide anything from each other. )
For some reason, it's starting to affect me worse now than ever.
I've been having dreams about it.. I keep reliving that horrible nightmare.. Sometimes it replays over and over in my mind when I close my eyes. I can't stand it.
I've been feeling the strangest thing lately, though..
Guilt.

I don't know why, but I feel like I could have stopped her. I feel like if I had just yelled something like, "Mommy! Daddy!" or something, that would have distracted them from the fight, stopping it from going too far..
I feel like it was all my fault, though I don't remember what the arguement was about. Once I even woke up crying. I can't remember what the dream was about, but I think I already know.
When my mom stabbed herself in the wrist, she almost died. She could have died. That's what keeps on bothering me.

Ever since my cat Fluffy died, I've had this fear of being abandoned..
When I was little, I had a cat named Fluffy.. I never thought of her as a pet. Never. Not even for one second. She wasn't a pet. She was my best friend. I didn't get along with anyone else that well. I could tell Fluffy anything, and she seemed to understand.
But one day, she had this wound on her paw and it was bleeding quite a bit.
I told my parents to take her to the vet - No, I ordered them to take her to the vet.
They said she'd be fine until we got back from the store.
I reluctantly went with them, telling them to hurry the whole time so we could get home, and when we got home, what else was I to discover but the corpse of my best (cat) friend in the world in the middle of the living room.
She was curled up and there were bloody pawprints everywhere.
Even though I was young, I understood that she was gone forever.
I ran over to her and started crying.
I turned to my parents and yelled, "I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!"

I never forgave them. Ever since then, I've been afraid to make friends because I feel like something will happen to them.. That they might die. I'm afraid of forming any close relationship with anyone. I'm afraid that they might leave me.
Even now as I type this I feel like I might start to cry any second. I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't like to cry. Not at all. It makes me feel weak and helpess. I hate those feelings.
So I basically tried to shut myself off from the world.
The only person I ever began to trust was my best (human) friend, Savana.
It took about 3 years for me to come to trust her, and now I'd trust her with my very life if it ever came to that.
Sometimes I regret that I'd become friends with her, and other times I feel as though it was the best decision I'd ever made.

About a year or two ago, when my cat Spongebob got a large cut on his leg, my mom called the vet immediately. It was bad. Very bad. I went over to him, stroked his fur and kept muttering, "It's okay, It's okay.. You're going to be alright.." Then I started sobbing.
My mom asked me what was wrong, and I said, "I don't want him to die.. Not like Fluffy. Not like Fluffy, mom!"
She looked a bit confused, and then I realized that I might be the only one that remembers Fluffy.
I'm also afraid to forget.
I've been trying to keep Fluffy's memory alive as long as possible. I don't want her to feel forgotten. I don't want her to feel abandoned.

Now, as I try to recall what she looks like, I am horrified to discover that I can barely remember her appearance.
I know she was fluffy (hence the name), and I think she had black fur.. I think her eyes were yellow.. Maybe green? Blue? I can't remember anything specific. Every time I think about Fluffy, I feel empty inside. I don't feel like I lost a pet. I lost a friend. Maybe not a friend.. I miss her like I would miss a dead relative that I'd known my whole life. (Luckily, all of my relatives are alive and well.. As far as I know... Oh, and Spongebob lived. We got him to the vet in time.)
If my mom had died.. I don't know what I would have done.
If anything happens to Savana, I don't know that I will do.
I once had a dream that she was killed. It was so real, so vivid, that when I woke up, I felt terrified, I could barely breathe, and I almost started to cry.
When I saw her in school I almost cried tears of joy. I almost ran up to her and hugged her.
At lunch I told her about the dream. (More like nightmare.)
I said it was just a dream, though.
I think I was actually trying to convince myself more than her.
( I'm sorry that this is so long! I really needed to type all of this.. My apologies! )


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