The chaos within
Will now begin
Barbed wire laceration
Through my heart
Through my skin
Pricking my soul like a thousand pins
The knife penetrates deep
Blood drips down
Staining my sheets
The barbed wire continues
Making my crown
Pinning me down
In my self made hell

I regret giving trust
I regret giving love
I regret caring
My secret fearing
A broken heart
Again to feel
It rip apart
This time for real

Kiss me one last time
Lie to me your love
Then I hear the wind chime
And the feather of a dove
Forever lost
In the dark
But far away from me...

I wish you were mine
It hurts worse than you know
But you don't care
I say I'm fine
My feelings I hide
But listen, please I mean it this time
I love you
I miss you
I care for you
More than myself
And I'm sorry.

I remember blue skies
Turned to darkness and night
I remember flowers
That withered and died

I remember angels who couldn't bring themselves to smother the light
I remember people who couldn't stand to fight

I remember when values meant something
I remember when plastic could be a diamond ring
I remember what I did in order to be
I remember what it felt like to actually see
I remember and cherish sweet simplicity
I hold that to be a part of me

Let's forget what it's like to hate
And how to feel like insanity is fate
Let's close and chain the gate
Wash and dry this broken slate

With medicine, I myself sedate
To forget this hurtful trait
Silence I await
Save me from this harmful state

Paint a pretty picture
Ignore that I wither
Walk the halls
Feeling all alone
Breaking apart the wall
Blood inside my bones
Crawling on the floor
Exhausted and sore
I know I'm all alone
Won't consider this my home
She thinks I don't see her lies
Even when they're right in front of my eyes
I'm more hollow than a doll
Who will catch me when I fall?
Won't give in to sin
Or just live on a whim
Not until I begin to trust
Do they stab me in the back
With an unflinching thrust
Sometimes, I'm such a sap
No matter how often I hurt
It seems to always get worse

I'm alone.


When my body's on the floor,
You won't hear me scream anymore.
But I never guessed
I would mean nothing less.
When I'm gone
Will you see that you're wrong?
When I've fallen for the last time
Will you regret how you've failed me?

Hello sunshine
Wake up in the morning
Your heart is with mine
I never got any warning

I feel the tickling sensation
Fingers touching my skin
Eyes open wide
Laughing as I hide

"Baby, you know I love you."
"I know, mommy. I love you too."

"Things will get better some day."
"That's what you always say."

"I hate you when you're like this!"
Ignorance is bliss

"Is there anything else you would like to say?"
"Let's get this motion into play."
Doesn't she care she won't see me for awhile?
"Here, just sign this file."

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

____________

This poem is about my mom, about how I got a restraining order against her and then she died, how I loved her dearly but I hated her addictions.
The last time I saw her was when she was brain dead on a gurney, kept alive only by machines.
You Are My Sunshine was the song she would sing to me.

'The other night, dear
When I was sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and cried.'