Hi all, I'll try to keep this brief.
I'm a 23 year old male who, at the moment, and for the past 4-5 years has been completely 'lost'. By lost, I mean - I have had no self motivation, guidance or desire to achieve anything associated with what people would call a 'normal' adulthood.
Jobs, I rarely have them and when I do, I inevitably lose them. I lose interest in the work, or I don't get on with co-workers. I usually feel like they're plotting against me or mocking me when I'm not there. Social paranoia? I have no reason to think they would be doing this - I do the work, I'm a normal looking - basically there's not much for them 'mock', it's just the feeling I have. Or I'll end up missing days and getting fired. The reason? Outside of work, when I'm not forced into social situations, I am a complete weirdo - it may sound funny but that is the only way to accurately describe myself.
Firstly, I haven't much family left - just 2 siblings who I love very much, but would never tell them this because I avoid emotional attachment as much as possible. Why? Fear of losing them? Inability to express emotion? From my own self analysis it seems to be both. I consider myself to be compassionate, which is why I adopted a vegetarian diet some years ago - and I do feel an overwhelming empathy for animals, but I cannot extend this feeling to people.
When I'm unemployed, my life really starts to come apart. I barely eat, and when I do, I eat junk. No hot meals, barely anything healthy. Usually toast and coffee. I have no routine, so my sleep patterns become a complete mess. I end up having mild auditory and visual hallucinations from tiredness on some days. If I'm alone in the house, I'll keep the lights on and run everywhere - I have this horrific paranoid feeling that I'm constantly being watched by some kind of evil presence - I know, even as I write this I find it absurd, but when it happens it really isn't funny.
I have very little human interaction, my friends are few and far between and I see them once every 3-4 months usually. I basically try to avoid people as much as I can. I barely leave my room, let alone the house.
Habitually, I have no dependencies. I smoke about 20 a day and drink a lot of coffee.
There are a lot of other "symptoms", but I wouldn't bore anyone with listing every little thing that is going on in my head. The basic summary is that I'm a no hoper with no sense of direction and an inability to motivate myself. I idolise dead musicians and shut myself off from real world responsibilties. Even though I see and acknowledge these things, I can't change this personality - I've tried, but have now accepted it's the way I am. Some would say I need a good kick to sort myself out, and I'd agree completely - I just don't think it would help at all.
Do these sound like 'symptoms' of anyone who has been disagnosed with a mental illness? I've never been to the doctor apart for some trivial things.
Thanks