Is it possible my 3 yr old has ADD/ADHD

[Tori2007]

Hello,
I'm writing in hopes of gettign some answers for my 3yr olds behavior. She is displaying disruptive behavior in school, being defiant with teachers, and sometimes mean to classmates. However the teachers say she excels academically. Most of her probelms arise around nap time and they have power struggles with her about staying on her cot. My husband and I have tried everything from time out (which does not work), taking away favorite toys, the reward system and have now resulted to spanking. It will work for a day or two and then she back to being defiant in school. She is demanding with teachers and refuses sometimes to follow the rules. Could she have some type of disorder such as ADD or ADHD? At home she can be a little defiant too but no where near the things she does at school. This is the second school she's been to within 3 months because of her behavior. She previously was in a home day care environment with 5 other children from 9mos until recently. I believe the home day care provider may have been having these issues as well but managed them with more strict discipline. My husband and I need help. The current providers state they believe it's a power struggle and they just need to figure out how to get through to her but don't know if they can continue to go the distance much longer. Please help!!!

[Sandman2]

   The trouble with smart kids is that they quickly learn ways to control the environment around them.  Fortunately, they also learn when their way is not working and change. Unfortunately, they also just as quickly figure out how to work the system.  Basically discipline at this age has to be very consistent and immediate.  A really good book that deals with this is "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.   It shows you how to use the time out system so that it is effective.  You also might want to look into "love and Logic" by Fay and Cline.  I think as she grows up this style of parenting will be very helpful.  
  If you go over on the child behavior forum, you will see a lot of posts about "my out of control 4 year old" .  Lots of good ideas there and your daughter certainly is not the only one going through this phase if it makes you feel anybetter.
  It doesn't sound like ADHD is the problem.  The unstructured daycare probably was part of the problem.  One thing to realize is that kids just don't change overnight.  When behavior modification is done correctly (consistent, immediate, fair), it can take up to three weeks for the change to happen.  Many parents will try something for a week, think its not working and move on to something else.  A smart child will figure that out and run you in circles.
   I think the school is doing the right thing with the split in classes.  They should be able to handle her outbursts.  It just won't happen overnight.  Be supportive of their actions.  But once again - punish for what she is doing at home.  And at home, work on extinguishing those behaviors that are hurting her at school.  Best wishes.

[Tori2007]

Thank you so much for the replies.

@sandman2 you do make some very good points; however every child is different. My 3 yr old daughter can give me exact accounts of what happened in her course of the day and knows what she did and can tell me why she didn't want to do what was asked. For instance if she had a bad report I will ask her what happened that day. She would tell me she did not feel like standing in the back of the line while waiting to go out for playtime so she ran to the front. Or she didn't feel like taking a nap so she got off her cot and went to get a drink of water. I would ask her if she thought that was the right thing to do. She told me (these are her words) "I knew it wasn't the right thing to do mommy but I didn't want to stay on my cot". My husband and I removed her from the home daycare to give her more structure and to prepare her for school. She loves the new school but hates the rules. She will test the waters at home as well but nothing to the degree she's doing at school.
Yesterday she was in the office twice for kicking the teacher when she was told to stay on the cot and ran away from her teachers and refused to come inside from playtime. 2 teachers had to come from both sides to catch her and physically pick her up to bring her in. These defiant behaviors are what I'm concerned about. Since my post I have read more about ADD/ADHD and I don't feel she fits those molds but we need help on how to assist her being obedient in school. The state law here in Virginia for daycares is they must have downtime for the children; however the children don't have to go to sleep but they must stay on the cot and relax for the required time frame. The home daycare provider did not fall under those guidelines and the environment there was MUCH less structured.
She is a fun loving child and very bright in fact both schools placed her in the 4 yr old class because she is advanced for her age and did not want her to be disruptive because of boredom. She is writing with good penmanship & reading. They never have a problem with her when she is learning. The current school has split her time to be in the 4yr old class in the AM for the learning portion of the day and the 3 yr old class in the PM to develop her socialization skills. Over all she is a good child and we love her dearly but this disruptive/defiant behavior has to get under control. I could see if it was just saying no, what 3 yr old doesn't? But the kicking, hitting, and did I mention she also pulls hair, and being blatantly disrespectful HAS to get under control.
We need help and are truly open to any suggestions.

Again thank you for the responses.

[Sandman2]

  First and foremost, there is nothing that you can do at home to punish her for her behavior at school.  At this age punishment has to be immediate.  A 3 year old just does not have the cognitive cause and effect ability to put together what happened at school, and something that happens at home hours later.  The idea that she gets home and then gets spanked is almost beyond belief.  It would be like you did something 10 years ago, and then out of the blue someone punched you - actually at least you might remember what you did.
  It is very common for kids of this age not to want to lie down and take a nap.  Does she ever do this at home?  If not, why expect it at school?
  I would first go back to your home day care provider and ask her what she did at nap time.  It may be she just wore the kids out. Or with only 5, she could watch them like a hawk.
  Anyway, this is the schools problem.  They must have dealt with this before.  It doesn't matter if she has ADHD  or just doesn't want to take a nap.  At this age, they have to figure out how to work with her (without any form of punishment).    I can't believe they are saying they don't know how to go the distance.  Tell them to let her play in the corner or outside if nothing else works.  
  The other thought is that this is more then just sleep time.  One thing that you can do at home is to make sure that her behavior at home is what is acceptable at school.  Do not let her be demanding with you.  Make sure she follows your house rules. If you catch her being mean to playmates on the weekend, deal with it.  This will take time and patience.  But more importantly, you must be consistent and immediate for any behavioral change to work at this age level.   Hope this helps.

[allmymarbles]

Perhaps she is not ready for school. Many three years old are not. Can she stay home with you, or do you work. Her only problem may be that she wants her mother. Certainly she is much too young for an ADD diagnosis.