IS THIS NORMAL FOR A 4YEAR OLD BOY?

[jamie671]

MY SON IS FOUR YEARS OLD AND HIS BEHAVIOR HAS GOTTEN FAR OUT OF HAND.
IM NOT TOO SURE WHY HIS BEHAVIOR IS THE WAY IT IS BUT I JUST WANT TO KNOW
IF IT IS ANYTHING SERIOUS.
*HE HAS A DIFFICULT TIME STAYING OR SITTING DOWN IN ONE PLACE FOR AT LEAST
FIVE MINUTES.
*HE IS VERY HYPER ACTIVE AND HAS BECOME DIFFICULT TO CALM HIM DOWN.
*WHEN HE IS PLAYING BY HIMSELF OR WITH OTHER KIDS HE IS TOO LOUD AND HAS
A DIFFICULT TIME PLAYING OR TALKING IN A LOW VOICE RANGE.
*HE TENDS TO LIE ABOUT CERTAIN SITUATIONS. SOMETIMES HE CAN'T TELL WHATS REAL
AND WHATS NOT.
*WHEN HE DOESN'T GET WHAT HE WANTS HE GETS MAD AND THROWS HIMSELF DOWN
ON THE GROUND. HE WOULD ALSO KICK OR THROW OBJECTS THAT ARE NEAR HIM.
*WHEN BEING ASKED TO DO SOMETHING, HE WILL REFUSE TO DO IT, ACT LIKE HE DIDN'T
HEAR THE REQUEST, AND SAY THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
*HE KICKS AND HITS ME WHEN HE IS MAD.
*HE DOES NOT LISTEN OR BEHAVE WHILE WITH ME OR WITH A FAMILY MEMBER.

I HAVE GONE TO PARENTING CLASSES (EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE) AND ENFORCED WHAT I HAD
LEARNED PART OF MY HOUSEHOLD RULES. PART OF WHAT I HAVE TRIED ARE: TIME OUTS,
CONFISCATION OF OBJECTS, THE STAR CHART OF GOOD BEHAVIOR AND REWARDS. I'VE HAD
MANY TALKS WITH HIM ABOUT HIS ATTITUDE, THE DO'S AND DONT'S, AND THE MOST PART...
LISTENING TO INSTRUCTIONS. SO FAR, EVERYTHING I HAVE TRIED HAS NOT SUCCEEDED. I STILL
HOWEVER REMIND HIM OF DAILY ROUTINES AND MANNERS BUT LATELY, HE HAS BEEN RUDE TO
ME AND TO EVERYONE ELSE.

IS THE BEHAVIOR OF MY FOUR YEAR OLD SON NORMAL? SHOULD I SEEK HELP? WHO DO I SEEK
HELP FROM?

[specialmom]

Yes, that household instability could definately have an effect.  You and your X will have to be on the same page to keep some things consistent.  I would approach this lightly as people tend to get defensive.  There is a real possibility that your son is doing the best he can right now.  Try some of the things I mentioned.  Also, stay very calm with him and ask your X to do the same.  Good luck.

[jamie671]

      Yes, my son is actually attending preschool. He had started the headstart program in August of this year. For the first two weeks of school he did fine. He was and still is excited every morning about going to school. He always listened to the teacher and also had plenty fun time with his fellow classmates too. Now, it has been very difficult for the teacher to get him to listen or behave. He now has a tendency of hurting other students.
Everyday, after school the teacher will tell me about his behavior for the day. Lately, I have been hearing many disturbing news from my son's teacher. I always talk with him before and after school. I try my best to help him understand in a way that he could.
       His behavior in school and at home has drastically changed during the time he was with his father for two weeks. My son usually goes to his father every weekend and I would like to know if this is part of the reason why my son is the way he is now. Rotating back and fourth to two different households could be confusing to him. He cannot distinguish the difference between right and wrong, what happens and what doesn't. Could it be?

[specialmom]

There is such a wide range of normal for four year olds and many many of them are difficult creatures.  Add/Adhd isn't (or shouldn't be) diagnosed until after age 6 because of this varibility in kids.  That is not to say that I don't feel  your pain and that something could be going on.

Is he is any type of preschool program?  Does he attend daycare?  It would be very telling to see what other adults that deal with a number of kids in the same situation have observed.  This isn't always reliable, I know.  But it gives you the comparison of how your son is vs his peers of the same age.  

My own son has a developmental delay called sensory integration disorder which affects his nervous system like ADD does but it is treated differently.  Many things you describe are things my son did.   He was evaluated at 4 because he really couldn't cope well in a classroom.  The preschool where he attended two mornings a week had a counselor that told us she suspected sensory integration and refered us to an occupational therapist that specialized in kids and sensory.  Sure enough----  this answered a lot of questions.  My son's self esteem at 4 was very low, he didn't have friends, he cried frequently, didn't follow directions, had space issues with other kids, talked very loudly (and still does---  he is becoming more aware though and works with a voice scale 1 (silent) to 5 (emergency) that helps.), was just a very unhappy little boy.  People often say here that recognizing something is amiss with your child is trying to just make them compliant for their teacher or better behaved.  That wasn't it for us.  We wanted our son to be HAPPY and addressing his areas of struggle were what we needed to do to obtain this.  I'm happy to report that now at 5 and a  half, he is happy.  He loves school and I have yet to have a complaint about his behavior or work.  It is so wonderful to see him thrive.  And by the way, developmental delay whether it is sensory or add has nothing to do with intelligence.  My son is really smart.  
So here are some things that may help your son, whether something is wrong with his nervous system or not-----

Physical activity and LOTS of it.  Go to a park and run, climb, jump, roll, skip and swing (very soothing!)   Rake leaves up and jump and roll in them (depending where you live!).  Swimming is a perfect activity.  Play games where your son has to carry something semiheavy around.  Have him push a filled laundry basket across the floor.  Play tug of war.  Do animal walks including crab, bear, snake (slither across the floor----   I just watch that one), etc.  Go somewhere where they have a trampoline or bouncy house and jump jump jump.  Put a mattress on the floor and jump.  Take your couch cushions and all the pillows you can find and put them in a pile on the floor and put little things in them for your son to crawl through the pillows and find.  Have him lay face first on the floor and pile the pillows on top of him and make a "sandwhich", put him in between two pillows and make a "hot dog" and gently squeeze.  Kick a soccer ball.  Hammer nails on a toy work bench.  Do this type of stuff as much as possible during the day.  
Oral things can be soothing too----  drink thick liquids through a straw (smoothie, apple sauce), chew chewy things, eat crunchy cereal, blow a cotton ball across the table, blow bubbles, chew gum (in fact, before you go somewhere where he may need to sit, give him a piece of thick gum.  It calms and organizes the brain.).  

There is a book called "hands are not for hitting'----  it is a posative message book that tells you what hands are for with a message on every page that hitting is not okay.  It is pretty effective.  Act out how to work through something you are mad or frustrated about in an appropriate way that he can then do.  Usually kids think this is funny so have fun with it.  Give him the words to use when he is upset so he doesn't use his fists or kicks.  It is okay to have this be an absolute No.  but give him alternatives.  The lack of filter and being rude is tough.  We work on "put it in a bubble" that you can think whatever you want but not say it.  That one takes time (and I don't think my mother in law ever learned it . . .lol).  The voice scale works well ----  you talk about level one (silence), level two (whisper or very quiet) level 3 (conversation/inside voice), level 4 (outside voice playground voice) and level 5 (emergencey yelling).  My 5 year old and his 4 year old brother respond really well to this.  I tell them if they are yelling, "is there an emergency" and they say no.  then I ask where there voice should be and they take it down.  It is about awareness.  

So, all of those things are things you could try to see if they have any affect.  They wouldn't hurt any child and may help make your son feel better.  And although it is frustrating to the parent, helping the child feel better and be happy is the ultimate goal.  Good luck.