Please help me.

[jesric1029]

Hello and let me allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jesse and for my entire life I have been "different". It has been bad and good but more often the bad outweighs the good. I hope that by explaining my symptoms maybe someone similar is out there that can shed light as to what is wrong with me. My entire life I have seen doctors and I have been told that I have "Adjustment Disorders", "Depression", "Mania", and others. I literally get a different diagnosis every time I go. Maybe one of you can help me. This will probably be fairly long and for those who read it, thank you.

My "problem" has been here since as far back as I can remember. I have always had an extremely different mind. You could describe it as "creative, obsessive, impulsive, and odd". I'm often times extremely happy, almost manic. I find myself talking extremely fast and getting very exited. During times like this my mind often wanders and I find myself getting off-subject or saying totally rude or off-the-wall or rude things. Someone could tell me their head hurts and in the next 30 seconds I could be talking about the effect of pollen on the brain. I'd say this is the "good" aspect of my personality but it often gets me in trouble as well. When I am in this erratic good mood I often make extremely irresponsible choices. When I was young this was okay, because I was in school. Sure everyone thought I was weird because I talked nonstop about random things. It started becoming a problem when I was about 15. I began to do ANYTHING that popped into my head, as if I go into "robot" mode and have no control over my actions. We will call these "episodes". When I get in this state of mind it is almost like being high. I am extremely manic and hyper, to the point where I am shaking, and I am so happy it's euphoric. The only time I get in this manic stage is when I give in to my erratic impulses. If I fail to accept these impulses (which I've only managed to do a couple times), I'll feel tired and alone, like no one cares, almost a depression. Now let me give you some examples of things I have done out of impulse.
1. I got a reckless driving charge when I was 16. I suddenly had the impulse to try to pass my friend on a 2 lane road, I hit another car head on.
2. When I was 15 I suddenly had the idea to sell pirated software on ebay. The same day I got the idea I was reported to a piracy watchdog and banned from ebay for life.
3. When I was 15 I drank an entire bottle of cough syrup because I stumbled across an article about it. I was hooked and often had impulses to get high on cough medicine for years. The same with smoking.
4. When I was 18 I got the idea to join the military and enlisted all in the same day, during a frenzy. I served over a year in the Air Force, before being released for medical reasons.
5. I once gambled away $1200 after I spotted an ad for an online casino.
6. I once sold half my xbox games because I got the idea.
7. One night I had an impulse to drink and then go see my fiance. My impulses get much worse when I drink. I began running over street signs and eventually attempting to evade the police.
8. I've often been obsessed with different religions. For a period of one day I will study for as long as 5 hours, and never again read about it.
Please keep in mind that these are a few examples of the really big things I've done. These impulses happen in minor was such as seeing an ad for a movie and going to buy it right then. Buying things off the TV. Selling random things I care about and later regretting it. Some "neutral" events include.
1. I've attempted to write over 5 books. I spend one day on each in this manic stage and it never happens again.
2. I've created many websites during impulses.
3. Yesterday I signed up with Phoenix online.

My obsessions can happen over ANYTHING. I might happen to read an article on CNN about a particular person and spending hours reading about that person, or a product, even something as simple as a car. My fiance hates it as I often get sidetracked and begin rambling. I also come to her nearly every day with a new "big idea". From inventions, to money making schemes, to college, to joining the military, it's at least 50 times a week I get these impulses.

The feeling I get when I'm acting out is SO intense, I can't describe it. I literally begin shaking and get euphoric. My entire mind becomes relaxed and 8 hours will seem like a minute. It is a truly great feeling, but bad because I can't control it.

Random thoughts are very bad. Strange and often socially unacceptable things, such as the sudden urge to hit someone, or say something very rude often happen. I may meet a girl for an hour and end up pouring my heart out, only to realize she means nothing to me an hour later.

That is the "good" side of things. Now for the bad.

When I'm not manic and happy I'm extremely tired. Unless I am constantly "doing something" or acting out on an impulse I feel withdrawn and lonely. I often feel hopeless, or like I am worthless. Depression is common. I'd say that 80% of the time I'm manic, 10% extremely depressed, and 10% average. This depression has gotten so bad I've contemplated suicide. I once had a "idea" during a particularly bad bout of depression and told everyone I wanted to run myself over with a car. That little episode landed me in a mental hospital for a week.

My careers often suffer. When I worked as a cashier at a restaurant and bank teller I would often "bother" people with my erratic personality. I'd find myself saying rude things without control. (For example asking an overweight person ordering a diet drink if they were trying to lose weight, I've even made a comment to a waffle house employee once about a dental plan). Even in the Air Force it's been hard to preform, especially in basic training. I'm an extremely person as I find it nearly impossible to do tasks without having the "urge" I've been speaking about.

Sometimes I will go from being manic to depressed to depressed to manic quickly. As I stated the happy feelings prevail often, but there have been times I'll cuss my fiance out and break up, to find myself pleading her back an hour later. I'll go from depressed to euphoric in the snap of a finger.

I'm creative yes. I can think of ideas that really could be good if I could just finish them. I just signed up for Phoenix Online during a recent episode and I'm already loosing interest. It's ridiculous.

I don't think it's Bipolar as I'm not really depressed all that often.

I've looked into ADD but I don't think that matches because I have no problem concentrating as long as it is one of the things that I've had an "idea" about.

Please help me.

Ask me any questions you need, I just want to know what is wrong with me!

[margypops]

Hi Jesse I read your long post with interest and I can see why you would write books you seem to have a talent for writing, have you ever been to a Doctor /therapist  to see what they think , you do sound impulsive but also some of the behavior you describe could be catagorised as Teen acting out ....What were your parents thoughts when you were younger were you the same then. Some of what you tell can be exuberance and some fool hardy,Maybe you have to resist the really silly impulses and go with the great and creative impulses you have.maybe also you have to take control of your actions more and not give way to ones you know will get you into trouble. To tell you what is wrong with you is tough I think some therapist may tell you more, Have you tried to control the impulses when the thoughts occur to you.. ie the fat person ordering the diet coke.  Let us know how it goes ,others here may have some more input for you....good luck