Help.

[Lulubabe]

My boyfriend has a 5 1/2 year old son, who lives with us every second week. I met him when he was two and back then he seemed like a very closed child, he wasn't very physical in his contact with anybody, not even his own father. As time has passed he has learned to give a hug but only when asked to do so. He often seems as though he lives in another world, and he doesn't seem to notice people around him. He has friends but when playing with other children he looses interest quickly and ends up playing on his own or watching the other children play. He doesn't seem to always understand when told for eksampel, not to jump on the furniture, he will look at us when we tell him something but it seems as though the message isn't excatly understood. He has fixsations on toys, where he will be totally in to some toy and walk about with it in his hand constantly. He has not yet learned to ride a bike and his fine motorik is quite poor.
I am worried about him but I am also afraid to talk to his father about my worries just yet as I am afraid of worrying him for no reason. People around us have questioned his way of acting and now I need some help. His father asked me a while ago if I thought there was something wrong with his son and back then I told him that I did not understand some of his sons ways and his father had the same problem. Not very long ago I asked him 5 times to stop shouting and in the end I gave out to him, the poor child started crying and said he didn't understand why I was giving out to him. I felt terrinble afterwards. I hope somebody can help me, I need to know what to do or if our child sounds as though there could be something wrong and he is in need of proffesional help?!

[NeuroWoman]

Hi,

This is a tough one because you have all of the responsibility and emotional connection but not all of the rights: If the final decision is up to your husband, then all you can do is wait for an opening and the minute you have one, make an appointment that coinicides with when your son will be with you for the week. Your husband may fear that a diagnosis may bring "official" trouble: Absent a formal diagnosis, everyone can pretend the child is just a 'handful' sometimes and will 'grow' out of it. Truly, it sounds like the child needs to be evaluated. Do what you can but otherwise, you may just need to wait for the other adults to come around. I wish you all the best.

[Lulubabe]

Thank you for your advice, his other parent isn't the easiest of people to deal with and we have had many problems with her. She tends to live her life through her son, wanting him to be a certain person, at the moment his hair is getting in his eyes but we are not allowed to get it cut because she wants him to have long hair and so on (Although I trimmed his fringe the other day as he was starting to squint) So this whole situation seems unbearably difficult. I tried to talk to my husband last week and it is as if he only hears what he wants to hear now, because certain things are better at times. I find myself wondering if there is something wrong or if this little man finds his life confusing at times and closes himself down, hiding away from the world?! I am just so afraid of starting something that isn't there!! He is in kindergarten at the moment and supposed to be starting school after the summer...What should I do?

[firegirl112]

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[NeuroWoman]

Hello,

I agree with Momttb, it does sound like it is on the Autism spectrum and your son does need to be professionally evaluated. That said, I know that some folks are wary about having a child evaluated by the 'system.' Whatever mechanism you choose, via the school or independently by a professional of your choice not affiliated with the public school system, it sounds like the child needs help asap, just for his own well-being. He is, perhaps, the most confused of all, at the moment.

Also, your husband gave you the perfect opening by asking you if you thought there was something wrong with the child. Maybe as someone who came into the scenario two years in, you feel wary about your role at times. That's understandble-- so, proceed carefully but do say something, so that you can both DO something. In the end, it's about the child.

You mentioned that he lives with you every other week or so, what does his other parent think about this?

[Momtoteenboys]

At age 5, he should be in school- either kindergarten or preschool.  Your husband should request they evaluate him there.  His behaviors sound like something more on the autism spectrum than ADHD.  Whether he is in school or not, he is over age 3, so is entitled to services through the public school system.