What happens when you start getting fear of everything?

[kenneltech]

Just stumbled on to this forum, and I need to ask this question, as it is getting worse.  I have "sometimes" agoraphobia.  In other words, it goes with what is happening with me.  If I'm depressed or something bad happened, I won't answer the door, the phone, go out, anything.  Sometimes it lasts for a few days, sometimes, weeks, sometimes, longer.

I have severe complex PTSD, and just started EMDR treatments, but what I'm concerned about (and it's not PTSD) is that my phobia's are getting worse, and it's making my agoraphobia worse.

I used to have a time share on a houseboat, but now I'm afraid to go on it because if one of the boat owner's doesn't start the engine right, we could blow up.  I used to go on rollercoasters, but now I'm afraid because the person who runs it might do something wrong and it will go off the rails, or the maintenance people didn't do their jobs.

I used to fly, but now I'm terrified of it because the pilot might not know what to do in a certain situation, and I have been hearing a lot about pilot's drinking before flights.

I used to DO A LOT OF THINGS, and now I'm scared to death to do anything, and the list keeps growing.  Nothing ever bad happened on any airplanes, or rollercoasters, or boats, or anything else, but I can't stand to not be in control.  So I am more housebound than ever before.

What next?  What do I do and who do I see for this?

[MrGreen]

The anxiety might be making you depressed. Not the other way around. You seemed to have developed a strong social phobia. One were everything will go wrong if you go near it. The quick reply would be to say ' see a doctor ' and then ' a therapist '. You need to learn how to trust things you once trusted all over again. See that the fears are all just part of your subconscious thinking. The longer we leave things the more they become embedded. Deeper and harder to sort out. It won't be a fast process. Unless you are a strong willed person willing to put yourself in situations you fear most of all. That is the road back. To see that fear can go just as it can come on. And it can go in situations you dread the most too. But we take on the flight method. Fight or flight. We flee. Afraid of the situations we are in. It is that part of the chain we have to try and break. To get your life back. A therapist will teach you coping skills. Try and make you rationalise when you are thinking. So let us take it step by step.

Where is number 1? You will see below.

2 Doctor

3 Therapist

Won't ask any more than that for now. That alone is two very big steps to begin with. To understand what is going on inside our heads. Why this is happening. There is always so many questions when this stuff first kicks in. We are trying to make sense out of it all. So take the obvious first two steps first. That will be a big plus. And praise yourself too for taken them. We are greater at saying bad things about ourselves. How about some credit when it is due. Like even for posting on this forum. That should have been step one. The doctor is step 2. Fair play to you. Keep us posted on how things go for you.

[kenneltech]

Thanks for writing back.  I have been in therapy and seeing doctors since the age of 12, and I'm now 57!  I have had medication therapy, shock treatment, I'm now doing EMDR treatments, (I have severe complex PTSD), and I seem to be getting worse!  I don't know where to turn anymore.  Can this be physical instead of mental?  I ask myself that all the time, because I really work at getting better, but seem to go nowhere.

I believe that since I was so out of control as a child, (rape, incest, physical, mental, verbal abuse), that I have a need to control every situation I am in or I am afraid of it, that's MY theory, but it doesn't seem to be anyone else's.  But, why else would everything that I cannot control all of a sudden scare me so badly?  Like I said, if I can drive the boat (fly the plane, drive the car, etc......) then everything is okay.

Do you know of any treatment I need to do, I have been to about every shrink in Denver, and nothing helps.  They have diagnosed me with every mental illness known to man, you know how THAT goes!!

Thanks again.

[MrGreen]

I know how that goes indeed. Lord knows what they told me I didn't have. Be quicker writing them up. To shrinks I had everything. When all I really had was anxiety. So they play guessing games at times in my own opinion. Be bad if a shrink hadn't got an answer. Make them look bad. So they tend to take our words and twist them this way and that and come up with something new every visit.

What I tend to do is try and link things together. If I am feeling bad. I write my mood down. I write my thought down. My reaction too. The symptoms too. You would be amzed at how they are linked as one. And if we could change one it does have a knock on effect on the others too.

But your whole life story has so much in it. There is so much there. You are what I would call a survivor. From such a young age too. Till present times. You have a head full of things. So much has gone on. And I can see why you would want to be in full control of things. Can ask, do you trust others at all? With various things. Not going to narrow it down to just one thing. It seems that you lost trust so young in life and have never fully regained it. You might have been fine for a few years. But things were still there on the subconscious level. Things that would jump back up and bite you hard again.

How do we learn to trust? That to me is the one thing you have to try and work out. I would say to ask yourself ' Can I trust '. Use some logic. Those closest to you now in your life. Family or friends. I know that as a kid you most probably trusted those close to you and it back fired. In a nasty way. So it seems to be about learning how to trust again. Which won't be easy. Or happen over night. If you were to take those steps. By putting full trust in the hands of another. I would start off small. Build it up. A drive around the block. Keeping track of my thoughts. What it is that I feel will happen to me now that I have let someone else drive the car. How you react to that. What your mood is. Symptoms are too.

Your story is a complexed one. I am simply just another forum user. Stay indoors most of the time. So if I am way off the mark, don't be afrid to let me I am wrong. I think you are doing good just posting about your past and present situations. That in itself can be a great help.

Always hear when you need to post more.

[kenneltech]

No, you are not way off track, you are absolutely right.  I don't trust anybody or anything.  What is so troubling is that it has gotten so much worse through the years.  Do you think it's because I was never treated for the right thing before?  The EMDR treatments are helping, but I just started them a few months ago!!  I can't believe that after all these years and all that I have told ALL these stupid doctors, it has just dawned on them that I have PTSD!  hello!!!

I'm trying really hard to trust, but you are so right, it isn't going to come easy.  The very few times I tried to trust, I got screwed again, and that has made it worse.  I like animals better than people, but everybody loves me!!  Go figure!!  I don't understand it.

Anyway, I used to work with animals, but now I am about to graduate college (on-line) and I will be a medical assistant.  I figured that I need to be around people more before I become a hermit!!  Working with animals was the dream job of my life, but it certainly wasn't helping this problem any.

Please stay in touch, and tell me a little about what you are going through, it's always good to know that others understand you.

I do, however, feel that I am gaining a LITTLE bit of trust in this new therapist, he is very laid back and doesn't push at all, he is really pretty cool, and that is a hard thing for me to admit, they've put me through so much.  I've had three series of shock treatments, and so much more, and didn't even need them!  You know what I'm talking about.

Thanks,

kenneltech

[MrGreen]

Take a moment to sit back and ask yourself do you really trust nobody at all???? The fact that you are writing on this forum is trust in itself. Yes, you don't me. But yet you can still trust me with your story and problems. That would be a big plus to me. That I could say what was on my mind. Ok, so we are sitting face to face. Othersides of the world most probably. But still. You found some trust in a forum. That is good. You may be able to use that thought and see that it is good to open up and maybe just tell your therapist a little more each visit. I think, as I did, that you will find, by writing about our problems, it kinds of makes us feel that little bit better. We are not holding it all in here on the forum. We are open. So credit were credit is due.

My story is a bit like your own. Though less severe. I ended up under a car when I was about 16. Wasn't hurt. The car stopped just before my head. My whole body was under the car. More just scraped along my legs and body. Had it not of conked out I wouldn't be here writing this. But I just got on with life. Happy to have not been hurt. I never imagined I had a sleeping giant in my head. Waiting to explode and take me under with it. That happened about 5 years later. A close friend died in a crash. It was like it brough everything on at once. Delayed shock from 5 years earlier. But still I never got help. I carried on for over a year. Struggling. Then I just cracked. So all the treatment began. All the suggestions of what I had. All the medications. I wouldn't leave the house for a decade. But then decided to fight back. But the medication they put me on was the worst of all. Xanax. It would come back to haunt me. I would become addicted to it and end up in a psych hospital. I simply gave up eating. The weight dropped off me. My condition has swung another direction. Panic was no longer a major concern. I had emetaphobia. Fear of throwing up. Hence the not wanting to eat. All that had to be sorted out. I do eat today. But am still under weight for my age. On four types of medication. Which I don't mind. I can go out and about. I love that part. Just home from town as I write this. A place I used to avoid. Trains and buses and the likes. They were the old foe. Today I am fine on them. More because of the other fear. It sort of took over as the dominant force. But I still stay in a lot. Have not been out in the evening for well over 20 years. I do all my running about early in the morning. Now. That is about me summed up for you.

Shock theraphy. OMG. Ouch! I saw a few who had that done when in hospital. They always went around with cotton wool in their mouths. No thank you. Once you know where you are at today you find things speed up some. Before all of this you were never really sure what condition you had. Or the choice was made for you. But now you are getting the right treatment. That is good. That should really help you out. And you seem to have a good therapist. That is a big plus. Always great to find that one we can really talk to. He is there to unravel the pieces and teach you new skills for coping. I am sure you will learn a lot from him.

Dinner time here. See. I do eat. At odd hours of the day. But food is food. Till next time. Take care.

[kenneltech]

You are absolutely right, and I never thought of that.  I do write on here about the problems I'm having and trust when I get an answer, probably because most people on here are going through the same things or worse.

I'm sorry about what happened to you, it's horrible what our minds can do to us.  I am glad, though, that you are getting better, even with meds, AND, you're eating!!

I'll let you eat, take care and hope to hear from you again soon.

deb

[MrGreen]

It's only when I read my own words back that I see the typos. The errors. Missing words. That's what happens when we write long posts. Auch but I am sure you knew what I meant in the various parts of the post.

[kenneltech]

Your posts aren't bad.  I am in college now and some of the posts that the other students write are like 5 year olds!! I can't believe it!  How in the world did them get in school?

Believe me, your posts are all fine, and I know exactly what you mean.

[MrGreen]

To me that kind of takes you out of the full blown agorophobic league. College. You are out there doing something. If I tried something like that I wouldn't last a week at it. I wouldn't be able to sit still in the rooms and listen as somebody harped on about something or another. The fact that you are still going out is great. A lot of people would have gave in and went to their rooms and just surrendered to the condition. So never stop that going on. I can't tell you how important that is. And who knows, maybe in college you will have to trust others. Be it in a different way. With some sort of assignments. They may group you together and get you to works as teams for a project. That would be great in a sense. It would test you out. You would have to trust. In order for the project to get done. No doubts there will be lots of interesting people there. You may make loads of new friends. See life in a different way. It can only do you good. And good I am sure it will do you.

[kenneltech]

I'm in online college, sorry to say.  But, I do belong to a church group who keeps me in check about getting out and going places with them, as hard as that is.  I have a bible study every Thursday afternoon, and a really good friend of mine, Deanie, knows about my condition and calls me to make sure I'm coming and won't take any excuses.

If I tell her I can't make it, she'll tell me she's coming to pick me up!  I actually went to a dinner gathering the other night, about 50 people!  I was extremely impressed with myself, even if I did sit kind of in the corner and stayed with Deanie and her husband, at least I did it!

I think I may be getting a little bit better with the EMDR treatments, they actually work.  I had my doubts, but I was so hoping that they would because it was my last hope.  I've already been on every drug known to man, and had shock therapy 3 times, and been throught it all, so, the fact that this is finally working is a true blessing to me.

I hope you find something that works for you, I would just like to get rid of some of these fears, they are so irrational, but so real!

Oh, by the way, today, I aced my midterm.  School is fun and certainly not the problem, I will miss it when I graduate, it's the getting out and getting a job with my degree that's going to be tough!  My therapist and I are working hard on that.

Take care,

deb

[MrGreen]

Well congrats to you. Bible study and dinner with a large group. That is a major plus in our world. That is how you should look at it. If you can do that, others things are a bit smaller and you should be able to at least try a few other things. I wouldn't be able to sit in a room with that many people. But if I could I know I could go to the local shops too. I would tell myself the dinner was the harder of the two because I had to sit there in one place. The shops I could move around. No standing there. So you have shown that you are willing to do things. Maybe your friend can go elsewhere with you for a start. Somewhere small. Small cafe. Cup of coffee. Keep it simple. Just try and set yourself some small goals to test the waters. Because I am sure you can do it. You seem to have the determination. And the want to do it. More just a case of that final push. Which I am sure is just around the corner. You have a strong belief in your god. Use that too. It works the exact same way with our problems. If we really believe we can do things we will do them. There is no difference at all.