Hello, just a few months I got engaged. My fiance is 32 years old and I am 25. He's a very good person and I love him with all my heart.
He has always had a bad tempered and it was ok for me, I accepted it because I was able to forget about it and I got so used to it I started caring less and less, besides, his "anger" was not directed to me, it was directed to the bad driver, to the rude waiter or who ever, still it bothered me, but the moment passed and I could move on.
However, lately his getting upset and very very angry for any stupid thing that happens, and it's anger goes straight to me, which affects me a lot and makes me feel like he hated me. It's weird because after a few minutes or hours depending on how bad it was he starts acting like nothing had happened and tries to avoid the subject at all costs because he knows I'm going to tell him how mad I am at him and how his reactions are exagerated.
Anyway, I don't know what to do, I hate (HATE) being yelled at, and sometimes I think I am with a crazy person!! Because I cannot believe that because I ask a question or say something that for him is stupid a person (that loves me) can react in that way... You may think I´m over reacting or that I might be an annoying person, but I am not.
A few weeks ago I had a problem with my mobile and we were going to meet for lunch and apparently calls were not coming through, once I fixed it I tried to call him back but he was with another call, finally he calls again, and he sounded so upset, so I told him in a very nice way: hey, once I realized the phone was dead I tried calling you back and you were on the phone and you don't see me trying to fight with you... please, do not get mad for things I do not control... and he said, very loud, screaming like if I had insulted him in the worse way: DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR PHONE DOES NOT WORK BUT DON'T BLAME ON ME FOR BEING BUSY???? -- And I was like what??? Are you serious, that's not what I've said... I'm just saying, do not get angry if I do not answer the phone or of it dies and then he starts yelling even more!!!
He arrived home and tried to act as nothing had happened but I was very upset until we finally talked.
Then yesterday I asked him if he remembered that application for music trackin and he said he didn't and in the taxi on the way to my house he started looking, so when he finally downloaded it he said, let's try it... I was excited to see if it worked and I told him, ok, let me choose a difficult song... and then again he got all angry and said in an awful way: BUT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PICK A DIFFICULT ONE!!! JUST TRY ANYONE OR DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!!! .... I got upset and after a few minutes he askes me in a nice way what's wrong, and I start saying I don't understand why he's got that behaviour sometimes, and he gets all angry again.
Frankly I don't know what to do... can I help him??? I won't stop being me and the truth is, he makes me feel as he was annoyed by me. We are getting married in a year but I don't want traumatized kids due to his behaviour.
You probably can't tell now, but I love him, it's just that I feel dissapointed.
He's not going to get better, and will probably get worse.
Please reconsider this marriage. You talk about kids. What kind of role model are you presenting, in terms of what a relationship should be? Yell and appease, then pretend to ignore the elephant in the room, then more yelling and appeasing? He's going to try to control you with this, if he doesn't already.
Think for yourself. Is this the kind of relationship you want for the next 40 or 50 years?
He is 32 years old. Most likely he will get worse, not better. My husband is an ill-tempered man. I guess that is related to anger, but not so noisy. I have tried to cure him of it for years, but time only made him worse. He is a fine person, a good husband and father, but very depressing to spend a lot of time with. I look forward with joy to the occasional foreign assignment I am given so that I can laugh and be my true self, happy-go-lucky and good tempered, at least for a while.
I ended the first comment early because my husband walked into the room. I agree with AnnieBrooks, except that I don't believe anger (or ill temper) is necessarily related to control. If you do marry this man, you will have to fight him all the way. That is what I do, sometimes with a burst of quiet fury. Then he lets up for a bit.
I mean absolutely no disrespect but I have to ask a couple of questions. You mentioned that you tried to cure your husband... are you qualified to "cure"? Any specific degrees and or licenses that would allow you to practice?
Also, you mentioned that Andrea's situation is likely to get worse... on what criteria did you base that assumption on?
I'm not a doctor Andrea and I won't pretend to be either. Any number of things can happen with your fiance. Therapy with anger issues is very successful, if the person with anger issues follows the plan of attack and does all the work necessary to work through this. It also helps to have a sound support system... you seem to be that.
This will also take a lot of work on your behalf. Vigilance... you'll need to be on guard to make sure that you are protecting yourself. It needs to be clear that you are not going to tolerate being mistreated and good therapy will teach you both how to interact without confrontation or anger.
I don't necessarily think you will have to fight with this man all the way. I do think that if the relationship does progress and you do work through this, you can/will fight this together.
Marriages are not easy and you CANNOT turn your back on marriage. You cannot put your marriage on cruise control. A marriage is something that you always have to work on and it takes 2 to tango.
Decisions, decisions.... You've got a few in front of you and so does your fiance.
I might add, has your fiance ever seen a doctor about his anger? A lot of what he is doing sounds like what I was going through, unfortunately. As it turns out, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed.... furthermore, I didn't do any of the required "homework" nor did I seek the help of a qualified mental health professional until it was almost too late.
I waited until I put my marriage in total ruins, needlessly. If I would have looked into getting therapy when I was diagnosed, I could have avoided putting my wife and kids though a lot of long cloudy days and nights. Me being miserable with myself in turn made them miserable.
See if your fiance would be willing to go to a doctor for a diagnosis, and try to arrange it so you could be there for support.
The first key is, he has to be able to know that there is a problem, then he has to want to address it. If those 2 virtues aren't there, he won't follow through and make the right decisions.
Common sense, experience, wisdom - none of these require a degree, and many of those with a degree lack some of these elements. In my long, long life I have never seen a complete reversal of a person's nature.
Psychology is not a perfect science, in fact is is not a science at all. It is more of a philosophy that reflects the culture that developed it. Although some psychologists are gifted, as are many doctors, artists, etc., and deserve great respect, I cannot blindly accept the discipline of their specialities.
He will get worse. He won't get better. You will regret staying with him for the remainder of your life. You are young and there are millions of men available who will treat you tenderly. Don't think about a doctor or getting him therapy. As for marriage? Fuggabaoudit! Get off the train.
I'm not so for sure why you've decided to take anything out on me....
What was Andrea's plan to cure this man?
Psychology is very much a science. Without that study we'd no nothing in regards to how the mid works. In order to cure someone, first comes a diagnosis, second... a specific treatment. Wrong diagnosis and wrong treatment??? More problems.
When I was having issues, I put my mental health in the hands of a professional. I didn't go ask a "nail tech" what to do....
As time goes by, more and more doctors look to chemical causes for neuroses and psychoses. That is not an opinion. That is a fact. And I stand by my statement that psychology is not a true science. It is actually called a "social science," a definition that is neither fish nor fowl. It is also culturally biased.
Actually psychology is NOT a "science". Nor are all psychological theories worthwhile. To be medically worthwhile a psychological theory must have predicative value. Thus, as Dr. Kurt Salzinger used to say (past president of the APA), when you write a paper on Freud, you start with a "D" and work your way down. There are pluses and minus in putting yourself in the hands of "professional". Treating a psychological disorder is far different from treating a bacterial infection secondary to a wound. I have met a lot of rotten no-good human beings not worth the powder to blow them kingdom come. They exist. For a while I was involved in taking transcripts from several men on death row. Funny how they all had a history of wife-beating and psychological abuse of their spouses. There is evil in this world. Here's the deal. There is no cure for evil. And when a man is abusing his main squeeze chronically and without reason, assuming there are no children, the answer is for her to find someone else. Not to find a suitable therapist for him.
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