How to deal with anger and trust issues

Hello, first off let me say I'm a successful woman in my early 40's with a wonderful husband and kids. We have a wonderful life. But I have issues that stem from a unloving mother and not being able to trust women. My mother has always resented me. She told me I was once the reason she had to stay married to a verbally abusive alcoholic. I'm not going to get into all the details but lets just say she has never ever been there for me nor has she ever been happy for any good things in my life. My siblings treat me the same. I'm the oldest. They all stick together thru thick and thin no matter what horrible thing is said to one other. But me...I get tossed away. I have problems being in friendships because I always feel they will abandon me or toss me away like my own family has.

I have anger that is always just below the surface because I'm so sad that no one feels I'm worthy of being in their life. My husband and I do many charitable things and I work with rescue horses. Our two sons are successful. I feel for some part that my family is jealous of my life even though i have always shared in my success. taking my sister and niece on trips and spending many vacations with them. We don't live near each other anymore. But when ever on of them are unhappy in their life they toss me aside and I don't hear from them for years on end. I haven't spoken to my mom in over 3 years. She doesn't feel a need to be in touch. The last conversation my husband had with my mom was over a argument on why she chose(didn't have to) to put my horse down on my Birthday he was 31 and she chose to do it on my birthday to stab me in the heart. My mother told my husband that she was "so sick of you People" meaning me and my husband. Those words hurt more than losing my horse I had for over 29 years.

How do I get over the anger and mistrust of people. I'm at a loss. I cry a lot. I have no real close friends. If I didn't have my husband and two sons I probably would disappear. I sometimes get so angry I could lash out at anyone.

How do I heal myself?

[brice1967]

I'm sorry that you are going through this awful mess.  It must be very frustrating and hurtful, and I can understand that.  You're pretty brave bringing your problems into a forum like this, and I hope you can find some good ideas regarding getting help.

First off, I'd like to address what your mother said about "you being the reason she had to stay with a verbally abusive alcoholic".  Your mother stayed for any number of reasons, but you were not that reason.  It could have been insecurity on her behalf, being intimidated by the abuser. It could have been anything, but she chose to stay... SHE chose to stay.  (It would behoove your mother to admit that what she said was hurtful and far from truthful.  A simple admission would go a long way here, and could possibly open the door to a better relationship between the two of you.)  This divide your mother created has allowed the relationship with the other siblings to become stronger, since she no longer has you.  (That's just my humble opinion, and I am no doctor)  With that, they have bonded with her, and not so much with you.  That looks like a lot of co-dependency there.
It would be really great that if you and your mother could meet at a neutral location and have a chat about all of this, but I'd suggest speaking with a therapist of sorts.  Your primary care physician can assist with this, and since your husband is such a good support system, as are your boys, they can be involved and benefit as well.

The anger lies in the fact that you know you aren't the problem.  Somewhere deep inside, you know this is the truth, but there is probably some kind of mechanism that the mind put in place for protection or perhaps blame.... (I don't know where I was going there, just thinking aloud I guess.  LOL)  Part of the anger lies in the fact that you feel you cannot address this.  I totally get that, and have been through a similar circumstance.  It's so frustrating!

Dealing with the trust issues is a beaut.  I've had these issues, my wife has had these issues, so I'll try to pass on helpful information that pertains to this....  You can't trust your mother or your sisters because of this.  The deal is, you've accepted that for far deeper than face value.  It has affected your self worth/self esteem.  You probably feel a bit unloved or unlovable from other people (besides your awesome support system).  That is totally the mind trying to protect you from getting hurt again.  There was a point in time where there was trust amongst you mother and siblings.  The damage was done, and that trust was then destroyed.  Because of that, your mind has built barriers that won't allow you the ability to get close to people.  Your mind doesn't want you to get hurt again, and it will fight, fight, fight, to protect you.  (At the same time it is hurting you, because you do want other friends, and you do want outside acceptance.)  Is that making any sense?

You have to begin to understand that not everyone is out to hurt you.  Take for instance the time you spend working with horses.  Are there other people around, or is it just your husband and yourself?  If there are other people, don't seem needy, but do strike up friendly conversations.  Let it be about the horses you're working with.  "Hey, how's it going?"  "I like your shirt, where did you get it?"  (I'm a guy so I know nothing about what really goes on in a women's conversation, so excuse me on that.  LOL)  But take that conversation as it is... friendly banter, and you're building a repoire... it is the basic ground work for a friendship.  Just let the conversation flow naturally, especially if one comes to you.  Smiles!!!  Smiles do a ton.  You look approachable if you're smiling.  If you're scowling like a pit bull, I bet nobody comes near.

More importantly, just relax a bit.  Do see a therapist about this stuff.  It is repairable and it will take some time, but you are so fortunate to have the awesome support system you've got.  Millions of people would be envious!  It's also important to know, in order to work things out with your mother/family, they have to be willing to do the work too.  For one reason or another, they may be reluctant.  Your good therapist will give you all kinds of tools to implement.

Take care, and let us know whats happening.