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I beat my sister in anger
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I beat my sister in anger

Im 21.i have anger problems.im going to hell for sure.but i want to get my story out.i get angry really quickly but only when im pushed.i have a low threshold but i control if im pushed to it more than a couple of times.to which i have no control over and i rage.its happen about 5 times now.its only with my sister.she is 3 years younger to me.nearly the same physique as me.but its her who keeps crossing my threshold.it can be as silly as giving some place to sit in the bed and she keeps kicking me out.4-5 kicks and i go blind with anger and i punched her in the eye.i dont know what got over me.but each kick just raised my temper.i tried controlling only to a point but once it crossed thats the end of sanity.today this is what happened while i was on the phone with my mom who was abroad and i only asked to sit near the corner of the master bed which she was lieing in.the bed was free and she had the entire space to sit on.but she HAD to sit near the corner where the phone was kept.so on her refusal i sat in between and she started kicking me in the back.i tried to control myself but in a fit of rage i punched her in the eye.this is the 5th time im punching her especially in the face and idont know why.my dad used to hit in the face alot but i cant use that as an excuse.he and i have the same rage issues.he hits my mom to for releasing his anger(but not very often it happens once every couple of years).in return after i punched her in the eye she kicked me straight in the face and i my head hit the corner of the table.my back of my head is bleeding and so is my nose.right now i feel really bad i did that.and i cant seek help as i have no friends.
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134578_tn?1404951303
Here is what your story made me think, and of course anyone online could be wrong because all we have is a few words to learn another's story.  It made me think that you're feeling suppressed by your present environment but have a bunch of "shoulds" that somehow it would be shameful or simply wrong to leave it.  If such a situation gets frustrating enough, it can certainly boil over, which you have described.  Maybe it is not being Indian but more your own family's culture (family is all, our survival depends on staying together, et al) that is really the source of this feeling that you can't make plans to move out.  But if you were to take some steps that make you feel in charge of your own life, and to be able to get yourself a place even if it is just one small room, possibly the hair trigger and the rage will leave you.  There is nothing better in the world than feeling actualized, even if it is not bringing in a more impressive life.  If you were in charge of it, it would be your life, and that would be enough.

Best regards and good luck.  I think this is the start of something good for you.
8 Comments Post a Comment
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134578_tn?1404951303
You can get a job, move out, get counseling on your own.  Time to get out of the toxic environment.  Your rage is not your sister's fault, her rage is her own problem to deal with and your rage is your own problem to deal with.  You're 21 now, time to take charge of your own life.  Your mom should have left your dad the first time he hit her, there is no excuse for hitting someone in a rage.  
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Avatar_m_tn
i love my sister.its just that i got out of control that day.i know there is know excuse.it goes deeper than that.my dad cares for the family.he loves my mother and treats her ok.but its just this certain uncommon occassions these things happen.no often.but when it does it absolutely breaks me.we are indian.we live like a family together to support each other.thats how the people in the east live.
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134578_tn?1404951303
I noticed where you live on your profile before I answered.  However, with respect, living together and accepting beatings in the face is worse than moving out and learning to handle your rage.  I do not think any culture would want people to pay in the occasional beating for family togetherness.

At the very least, apologize to your sister, and explain that while you do not condone it in yourself, you do have this rage pattern that occurs sometimes.  But don't tell her in a way that makes her feel she must simply allow it or that you are intending to do nothing about it.  There are ways to manage anger, including simply running out of the house.  She should not be a punching bag for your general rage that gets triggered by trivial things.
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Avatar_m_tn
I understand.im looking for a new place and job.if all goes well ill move out soon enough.I apologized to her already.in return she apologized for my head as well.although its my fault and i shouldnt have punched her in the first place.
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134578_tn?1404951303
I have a friend who grew up in Northern India, went to University (almost the first person in his village to do so, it was a tiny, rural place) and then moved to the U.S. and began working in the technology industry.  He has done extremely well, is the president of a company now, and of course is still close to his family.  If it were truly flat-out wrong in his culture for him to have physically moved away from the family, he would not have done it and probably would still be in the fields.  Some goals are worth trying for, and your goal of getting control of your life and not being on a hair trigger with your temper is definitely worth trying for.  I am sure no culture in the world wants one of its foundations to be that families must stay together at all costs, including the cost of accepting occasional assault from within the family.  It simply cannot be a societal value.  Don't worry that you moving will harm the family, it is just as likely to assist with your success, which will be a positive factor in the family's future.  I wish you the best.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you very much for your advice.yes in india we have many rags to riches stories.Its not about moving away from the family.he went to the states to get a good job and probably later he ll ask his parents to move in with him.im truly lost i dont have anyone i could personally ask advice from.but i want to start to think about it.i may not be as strong headed as the north indian president guy you mentioned.but ill still try.thank you for your advice annie.
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134578_tn?1404951303
Here is what your story made me think, and of course anyone online could be wrong because all we have is a few words to learn another's story.  It made me think that you're feeling suppressed by your present environment but have a bunch of "shoulds" that somehow it would be shameful or simply wrong to leave it.  If such a situation gets frustrating enough, it can certainly boil over, which you have described.  Maybe it is not being Indian but more your own family's culture (family is all, our survival depends on staying together, et al) that is really the source of this feeling that you can't make plans to move out.  But if you were to take some steps that make you feel in charge of your own life, and to be able to get yourself a place even if it is just one small room, possibly the hair trigger and the rage will leave you.  There is nothing better in the world than feeling actualized, even if it is not bringing in a more impressive life.  If you were in charge of it, it would be your life, and that would be enough.

Best regards and good luck.  I think this is the start of something good for you.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you annie. the truth is .i myself don't know how i feel. i dont know what it is. there might be other causes for my anger. but im doing as you suggested.actively trying to find a job. with the recession here in india its getting really frustrating.right now im yet to join a company that pays me 1$  an hour. it will be a nightmare at first. but i hey i guess thats life right :).
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