Purging Disorder??

Hi,
I am 21 and think I may have an eating disorder.
I was looking up on the internet and believe that I have purging disorder - where I do not need to binge to purge, i purge almost whenever I eat something I feel will make a significant difference. Still not sure if this is what I have, but it sounds the most like me.
I have gone through stages of eating very little to nothing also.
I am desperately scared of gaining weight, and am currently trying to lose it.
I don't want to do this anymore, but if there is a slightly normal amount of food in my stomach I don't feel comfortable at all, I just feel like I need it out of there ASAP.

I can't seem to speak to anyone about this, and have tried getting help before.
I also can't talk to my boyfriend, as he has said if he knows of me doing this then we are over - he has suspected me of this before.

I have extremely poor body confidence regardless of what people say about me. I don't know how to change this and am constantly obsessing over the fat I have around my stomach.

I am not sure how to help myself - I feel extremely uncomfortable trying to talk to professionals, especially after my experiences in trying.

Also something I find odd is that I know whats healthy, and whats not and can quite easily tell someone whats healthy or not and even tell someone why THEY should not purge - but I can't seem to apply this to myself no matter what. Especially not after I lost a significant amount of weight by doing this in the first place.

Really lost on how to help myself here, especially when a lot of the time I do not want help or to change. What can I do...?

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

I think your last statement is very important.  As long as you are ambivalent as to wanting to change, you will continue to struggle.  The questions to ask yourself is how is my eating disorder serving me?  Also, be honest with yourself regarding the pain your eating disorder is causing you.  When you are focused on wanting to change the answers will come.  I always loved the Tibetan saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."  To learn more about eating disorders and treatment options visit the bella vita website.  Dr Patricia Pitts  Los Angeles, CA

[temala]

Hi. I have been in recovery from an eating disorder (anorexia) for 5 years now. I have gone through it and it totally *****. And recovering from it totally *****. But I can say that I am soooooo much happier living without it and taking the steps to recover gave me a life that is so much more free than I ever was before. You definately have some disordered eating patterns and some body image issues. I think that all people with eating disorders go back and forth when trying to deside whether they even want to get better. That is probably one of the things that makes recovery so hard. But you either have to go through recovery or live with an eating disorder. And for some people they can't live with their eating disorder because eating disorders tend to intensify over time. So for some people, the choice is between recovering or dying. That is how it was for me. I am glad I chose recovery.
I have a little advice for you. You need to get help. Trying to find a helpful therapist is a huge pain. Especially when it comes to eating disorders. Most therapists I dealt with were not experienced in this and therefore not helpful. So if you are looking for a therapist, try to find one with lots of experience helping people with eating disorders. You can search for a therapist that specializes in this by using websites that belong to eating disorder treatment centers. The other thing I would suggest is that you get help now because eventually you won't have a choice. YOu can't run away from an eating disorder or pretend it isn't there because soon you will get physically very sick. I went to a treatment center in CA although I am from Tennessee. It was the Pacific Shores hospital in CA and it is a treatment center just for eating disorders. You can find it on the internet. You can call their number and talk to them and they can tell you if you should come there. I was there for 5 weeks. I am sooooo grateful for the help they gave me. You don't have to be underweight to go there. It's better if you aren't underweight actually. I like the Radar programs hospital because they don't force you to eat and they don't use feeding tubes.
The website is www.raderprograms.com
Call the number and talk to them. See what they recommend. They helped me so much. I can promise you that although recovery is a hard, scary thing, it is so worth it.
Hang in there. Good luck.