Asperger's Syndrome Community
dealing with an adult child who has aspergers
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dealing with an adult child who has aspergers

I am looking for someone to talk with about aspergers syndrom (syndrome) in the adult child.  I have many unanswered questions and am looking for some support, can you help?
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30 Comments Post a Comment
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1262322_tn?1287416386
Hi,

I 'd be happy to answer your questions as best I can.
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791606_tn?1240597111
I have a 21 year old (22 next month) with Aspergers. I'd be interested in having communication with someone else in my situation. She is at home with me. She has had a hard time taking any college classes and working. (is doing neither right now)
I'd be happy to hear your questions. I'll help if I can.
Take care,
Carolyn
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Avatar_n_tn
You may be interested in another great website where individuals and their families living with Asperger's Syndrome have found tremendous information as well having the ability to interact socially in its forums. Check ot this great website at...http://www.**************.net...you will be glad that you did!

Best regards.
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Avatar_f_tn
I have a 20 year old son who has just recently been diagnosed with aspergers and would love to talk with others, compare notes and offer support to others in the same situation.
My son sleeps all day, stays up all night on his computer and  has told me he is never leaving home. He failed misserably at school because everyone thought he was weird and the teachers did not understand. He is quite happy to go through life as long as he does'nt have to organise it.
I love him to bits and I want to understand him and help him (not quite so sure I want him living at home for ever though!!!!) and would love to talk with others in the same situation.
Look forward to hearing from you and best wishes to you. all
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Avatar_n_tn
i am a mother of a 18,5 yr old boy who was diagnosed with mild asbergers and would like to talk. i live in West sussex.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, yes I am happy to talk, sometimes it just helps when you hear of others in the same situation, and you can share stories.
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1311328_tn?1273669292
Aspergers can be common in Younger adults as it is commonly misdiagnosed and unseen in Younger children.
There are quite a few websites on aspergers on the adult with aspergers and living with them and also on the child if it was a recent diagnosis it may help You to look at the child website as well that way You can feel reassured that it is the right diagnosis by looking on the symptoms as you would probably be able to notice yourself that you did at one stage notice them.
You can also see a professional about dealing with this rather than dealing with it alone and a professional will be able to answer any of your questions and concerns
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Avatar_n_tn
A terrific source for information and support can be found in a great website...check it out at http://www.***********.***
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Avatar_f_tn
My son made it through school with intensive help from us, his parents.
Now he is 21yo. He has only made a passing grade in one college class and has stopped going for the past year. He doesn't have a job and seems to be not willing or able to obtain one....not sure which is really the case. He seems willing to give up his life to sit at home. Is outside so scary? I am going to start encouraging a strict schedule with tasks to be completed every day...for me it is enough 'wasting' time ...he needs to do something to be a productive Adult. Else, what will happen when we his parents pass away.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello
I am new to this site and forum. I have a son who will turning 25 in a couple of weeks that was diagnosed with aspergers. He is know living independently with support an continues to develop social and living skills. I share this because many of the posts I read seem all to familiar because it was similiar experiences that fueled my passion to support adults with special needs. Like yourself I did not want my child to live with me forever, why? Because I want something more for myself and for him and now he has it and so do I !

Here are some strategies that helped me motivate and encourage him and maybe they will help you also.

Self discovery strategies
assist in recognizing strengths, skills, and support needs.


Build skills with“know”ledge = knowing what you want and need.


Opportunity + Participation = personal awareness by
Facilitating a learning process that encourages:

Choice Making
Clarity
Direction
Ownership
Assertiveness
Accountability
                                        
  Attitude + Belief = increase self confidence, personal fulfillment, and positive change by       helping you to:

                                      
  Deal with negative thoughts and beliefs you encounter.
                                         BECAUSE                    
  It’s hard to reach your full potential when you let anyone tell you what you can’t do.

  Move beyond labels and challenge assumptions
  
  Remain steady on the positive productive elements.


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Avatar_f_tn
I understand what needs to be done. It is the how that I need help with. When your child says no to every suggestion I just don't know how to reply. (do I need a backbone?)

I think I should make some requirements..but just not sure. We work hard to give him jobs to expand his abilities and hopefully self-confidence.

How do you help them with their social skills....where do you find someone who wants to socialize with them?

I do thank you for your comments, specialneedscoach.
oldyeller85
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Avatar_f_tn
I have a 20 year old son who has not been diagnosed. I have suspected for a long time he may have asphergers but have not been to the doctors for a correct diagnosis although I have spoken to my son about it. I now feel the time has come to get my fears confirmed. He is a lovely person but has taken to drinking too much. He plays in a band which he loves but they are all much older than him. He gets on well with them but he has no friends his own age only aquaintances. He has had friends but they seem to drift off with others or get a girlfriend. My sons girlfriends only last a couple of weeks which upsets him. He is a very good looking boy but he does find it hard to communicate, he gets very attached very quickly. He does not live at home anymore but he calls in to talk to me and sometimes he is so sad until he has another girlfriend but I know it wont last. It breaks my heart.
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Avatar_f_tn
Sure wish i had the magic bullet to help all of our children. In so many ways I wish my son was where  your son is. I don't see my son living on his own and being self supporting. If somehow they could learn the art of social interraction. I am working on getting my son involved in a Outdoors club this is a mixture of young adults around his age.
My son had no friends which i would love for him to have it just doesn't seem right for a twenty something to hang with only his parents.
Best Wishes~Glenda
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Avatar_f_tn
It is hard to see your child lonely..... my son lives with his drummer (who is much older than him) but it does give him a certain amount of independance although he still brings his washing to me and drops in most evenings for food.... I know it may seem odd to some people but to me at least he has people who care about him even if they are older and it gives me a break. I know he only drinks too much because he finds it difficult in social situations but thats the environment he is in and his only interest and passion is his quitar.   I am also grateful he is keeping a full time job down (it helps that its a family business). I dont know how old your son is but does he have a hobby? Finding something to interest him may then help him to find friends with similar interests.
Regards Mandy
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Avatar_f_tn
My son has no interests. He'd love to have someone to drink with for the same reasons that you mention. Because of learning disabilities and an overall belief that he cannot make it in school he quit attending community college...he was only taking a couple of classes a semester. I am sure life feels overwhelming to him and others in similar positions. My son does his own laundry, cooks for us, responsible for lawn care, and will grocery shop if I have a list.

I go to the community college and last night my lab partner realized she knows my son. Apparently friend of hers was at one time an acquaintance of his also, so I am hoping they will renew their friendship.

would you like to email?

A Mom can only hope and pray at times,
Glenda
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Avatar_f_tn
I have undiagnosed aspergers and I would like information on finding a job that I would enjoy and be able to keep.
I have not been able to keep any jobs for longer then one year because I get frustrated with people and the drama that goes on at work. Sometimes they turn on me because I am clumsy or don`t work as fast as others.
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Avatar_f_tn
What do you find interesting? What type of jobs have you had in the past? Outdoors or Indoors?

To some degree I think you have to tolerate people - that is life.

My job as a computer operator is about the most isolated one can be that I am aware of.
It is hard to be isolated and have friends.

Glenda
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Avatar_f_tn
hi glenda
well I like working in restaurants as a cook in most kitchens beacuse they are very organised places (most of the time! lol) and they have enough tasks and jobs to stay busy and focused. It keeps my hands busy too which prevents me from fidgeting.
The problems I have with cooking is forgeting things in the oven or sometimes being clumsy with knives (poor manual dexterity). However, I worked in a cafeteria cutting lots and lots of vegetables for one year and I rarely cut myself anymore....this is just the problem of forgetting stuff in the oven when I am not watching it....it`s harder to solve...
and also, I need to know what to say in the interview to sell my strong points as a cook. I have been on hundreds of interviews in the last two years and I don`t pass the interview.
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1525009_tn?1303669728
Hi: I'm new to this website BUT we have a now 20year old son who was diagnosed with Asperger's 5 years ago after being severly bullied at school and developing such a severe dpression that we withdrew him from school for a year.  With intense family, private medical and school support he finished high school by age 18. Most of these 'children' are intellectually gifted but seem to lack an ability to understand the normal social unspokens/gestures/facial expressions and so interactions with strangers has been very difficult for our son and he prefers to withdraw.  Our society is not kind to anyone who is perceived as different.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi : I'm also new to this website, and I'm a published author who is writing a book about Asperger's Syndrome in adulthood. I invite you to contribute your own experiences, and questions, and frustrations - either from the point of view of being a sufferer from the condition yourself, or as an adult partner of someone who has Asperger's.
I live with a guy who is a classic Aspie, has been all his life, but didn't find out till he was over 50. I've had to be his complete support system for over 25 years, it's been terribly difficult and I have suffered myself in countless ways, including being regularly assaulted and attacked when he goes into meltdown mode.
We have stuck together, and will continue to do so, because I respect and enjoy his very high intelligence - he has total brilliances in a couple of areas and we have made a career out of them - publicly we are hugely successful, but nobody knows what goes on behind the scenes.
You're completely right that our society is not kind to anyone who is perceived as different, it's a major problem. There's also very little out there about adult Aspergers sufferers, those people who never got diagnosed as a kid, and have spent decades wondering why they can't cope with people, and the world.
Please write to me, I'm interested in your own stories.
Anne
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Avatar_f_tn
I have recently found out that I have aspergers and am now 31! I only found out as I am working at a respite centre for children and found that many of the problems I have encountered through my life are also problems that they are dealing with so I am able to help them to  cope as I know how there thought process works.  When I told my parents I had aspergers they said they already knew but they chose not to tell me about it!
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Avatar_f_tn
I have aspergers and am 35.I am new to this forum so here it goes.

I live by myself independently, more or less) but have always had my parents (especially my mother) to help provide me with emotional support and whatever else they are able to do (I am also renting a unit from them, the rents here are SO expensive) I have to admit it is sometimes a bit of a love-hate relationship because they can be quite dominating/intrusive but in the end I know that I couldnt be able to get by much with out them because I dont have any other supports and I know that my parents only want whats best for me.
I have also had a lot of difficulties in the past with finding and keeping jobs, I have frequently taken up studies in new fields when I got to the point where I could no longer find a job or get anywhere else in my last field. One of thes new fields of study was Medical Laboratory Science with I started a degree in and ended up at the end with a Bachelor of Microbioloogy (I had trouble passing the last year) I also had heaps of trouble finding a job in that field afterwards and am now no longer working in that area. At the moment I am working in a library whilst studying library studies at community college. I do not yet know if I will be able to successful at this but I live in hope.

Despite all my difficulties I have never given up looking for a job, although a lot of the time it has seemed like a loosing battle. I gave up studying for a nursing degree once in my early twenties and my father acted like it was the end of the world, I had been studing nursing for around three years and it was not a decision I took lightly. I would never make a decision like that lightly.

Sorry if there doesnt seem to be a point to this, I just thought it would be good to hear from another adult aspie as there are not a lot on this thread. That way the parents will be able to get our perspective on things.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am also hopeless at interviews, I have not yet figured out how to be successful at them. In the past I have gotten most of my jobs either because the employer is someone my mother knows or because the position was created specifically for me. THe only job I ever got from an interview was from a phone interview. Sorry I cant give you any tips
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Avatar_m_tn
What happened in your situation?  I am in that same situation right now and I am totally lost.  Please help.  deneen.***@****
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Avatar_f_tn
I know this post is from 2010...but I have a 23 year old exactly as what you described...what has happened since your post?
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Hi Anne
With regard to adult aspergers...I have a 34 year old son who is like a jeckal and hyde. I find him seriously abusive, at what he perceives to be the smallest slight he is off.  He tells me to shut my mouth....and will get up and leave whereever we are if he feels that I will not comply with him.  I will not...as I believe that his behaviour is so wired and aggressive that he needs to get himself serious help.  He will not take medication.....so I do.  I lost my own Mother last year...and recently we attened her graveside with my husband.  I broke down, and the both men abandoned me when I could not stop crying. Later we went for a meal...where again having not heard my son I put a square of sugar in his tea. He had already put one in. He hit the roof and started shouting at me, and when I became annoyed and asked for an apology he told me he was leaving if I spoke to him this way. I told him that I am his Mother and would speak to him as I saw fit, at which point he shouted at me to shut up, got up and left the hotel, which is approximately 40 miles from our home, and did not return.  We have not heard from his since...that is over a day ago.  On his departure he met his Father, my husband, and complained about me. My husbands answer to this was that there are two of us in it.  Since I heard this I have not spoken with my husband.  He refuses to direct our son in any way, and our son is also cute enough not to say too much to me when he is around.  I am now sick and tired of putting up with this type of behaviour...and on this occassion I am also trying to deal with my grief at the loss of my mother....when I discussed this with my husband he told me that he was also upset as going to the graveyard reminded him of his parents...who died one over 40 years ago..the other 30. I undertand this, but can also see that neither my husband or my son get it.....Our son did not get his formal diagnosis of Aspergers and ADHD until he was 25 and is still in denial. My Husband was diagnosed with ADD...again this is all lost on him.  Since we have only the only child I am well aware of what the future holds, and have no misconceptions about support from our son.  I am now thinking of leaving my marriage as I feel that I have nothing left that I want to give...and that all of my energies getting psychological imput for our son..is lost on him...as he continues to live a life where he lives in a bedroom, computers being his thing, and has one man he is friendly with.  He has no idea what caring is about...and even though he lives near...he would not consider calling in even when we are both ill.  If he does anything to help in our family home he want money for it.....no idea of what it is like to be part of a family.  I have had it.  I will be 60 this year. In good health and a professional in my own right.....I do not want the rest of my days blighted by all of this.
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Avatar_m_tn
just hugs.  I hear you and I understand

my son is near 20 ASD - and I am exhausted.  Hubby kind of understands sometimes and others gets annoyed that the son is being difficult.  I just wish that our son could become more independent -  get off the computer/play station,  keep away from the low life friends that seem to be the only ones that put up with his high self opinioniated expertise on everything and move onto the next level  He resents so much that I do yet like a 5 years needs me to supply much of life.  There has been progress in the last few years - but has plateaued out - i want to see some advances.

Emerjay        A women that just wants to nurture not manipulate.
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8601498_tn?1398902576
I am a 28 year old with asperger syndrome with absolutely no friends. I still live in my parent's household!! I work in a contract, do websites and digital illustrations to earn some income. My father is constantly persuading me to get more jobs so that I will leave the house as soon as I can. I am so stressed out because whenever I work for a company, employers always bring up the contradiction that I will not: 1) Listen to what they say 2) Pay Attention3) Interact with the customers 3) Work Very Fast. I am a very bright person for sure, but I seem to have issues with communication and social interaction skills, also using my judgement fast and efficiently. Relationship-wise, I have never had a boyfriend, nor a large circle of friends. I have only one girlfriend my age who lives on the same street as me. Currently, I am all alone, but it crushes my heart. My mom tells me that she doesn't think I can see the world past our driveway, let alone 6 feet away from me. She doesn't think I perceive in the world at all.
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Avatar_m_tn
You need to get him on medication. Explain to him that, he can take it voluntarily, or someday, may have to take it from an institution, if this continues:
For irritability and aggression: mood stabilizers (valproate, carbamazepine, lithium), beta blockers (nadolol, propranolol), clonidine, naltrexone, neuroleptics (risperidone, olanzapine, quetiapine, ziprasidone, haloperidol)
This has made my 28 year old Aspie son, much easier to live with, and he has told his psychiatrist many times that, it has made a huge difference for him. Best of luck! (My son is on risperidone & Lexparo for depression. Very low doses, always with an Aspie)
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Avatar_f_tn
Could i please have that web site address please my fiancee has aspergers and i didnt find out until ywo yrs into our relationship and i need help he also is bipoler so any help would b great thank u so verrry much
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