At my wits end...

[Kelly104]

My son (just turned 7) is a rule follower to the point of becoming visibly upset if he is reprimanded (or even a perceived reprimand).  He is a perfectionist and also has anxiety issues (won't ride the bus, refuses drop off playdates and still cries sometimes before going to school).  During fire drills and when the cafeteria becomes too loud he covers his ears (although he worries that he'll get in trouble for doing this).  He is very social and starts conversations with strangers.  He cannot seem to roll with the punches.  Last year, in the pick up room at school, an older boy called him an idiot and he fretted about it for weeks.  He wasn't sure which kid had called him the name so he would approach kids and ask them if they did it and why.  He cannot bear to talk about "sad" subjects like death and can't sit through a movie since most kid movies have something sad or scary in them.  He is a very loving and friendly child but is very high maintenance.  Could he have Asperger's?  I don't know if this is relevent but he has a 145 IQ.

Any input is appreciated,

Kelly                  

[Sally44]

You can google DSM IV Aspergers to read the diagnostic criteria.
Your post includes the following information that could be interpreted as being on the spectrum:
He needs routine.  Changes upset him considerably.
He needs to stick to rules rigidly and is very upset if he finds out he has broken the rules in some way.
He has alot of anxiety around social environments such as the bus, school, playdates.
He takes language literally.  He can't put it into context, or understanding teasing, or humour.
He has difficulties around social interaction and avoids them.
He obsesses about things - who said what.
He has sensory issues - he covers his ears at certain sudden unpredictable noise.

That is quite a list in your short post.  
What concerns me about your post is his level of anxiety.  Your child that doesn't have the 'freedom' of thought and response that a typical child would have becuase his understanding of language and social interaction is down to a literal interpretation of language.  And he has to stick to that rigid way to try to do things right.  I presume he gets very upset when he finds out that eventhough he tried to do/say the right thing, he still did it wrong!  That will be very confusing and frightening to him.  
I presume his language development was typical.  He didn't repeat words or phrases said by people to him or from TV.  I presume he never had difficulties with pronouns eg mixing up I, you, he, she, her etc.
Google Semantic Pragmatic Speech Disorder and see if that sounds like your son.
Google Sensory Integration Disorder and see if that sounds relevant.
He is obviously struggling at school.  Or it might be just the transition from home to school that he struggles with and once he is there he copes better.  What does his teacher say?  He will definately find playtimes and dinnertime difficult because it is unstructured social time.  My son has an aide work with him to support him during playtimes.  He also goes to a Social Skills Club that is overseen by a Speech and Language Therapist.  He also goes to some dinnertime clubs.
Does his school have any experience of children with autism or aspergers?  Is he able to cope academically in the classroom?  Are they having to give him extra support?  Does he have tantrums or get very upset - and if he does how does the school deal with that?
My son goes to a school that is a mixture of mainstream children and those on the spectrum.  There is around 5 children per class on the spectrum.  As my son is also suspected to have dyslexia and dyscalculia he is in a class with other children who are struggling academically - yet his cognitive ability has been assessed as higher than average.  
But I cannot emphasis how important the right school is.  I moved my son to his current school.  
Your son is now 7.  It will become harder when he hits the teenage years because children can be very cruel to anyone who is different.  
If you want a diagnosis I would advise you go to your doctor and ask for a referal to professionals who have experience of diagnosing autistic spectrum disorders including Aspergers.  I would also ask for a referal to an Occupational Therapist (for the sensory issues).  What are his other senses like: sight, sound, smell, taste, texture, touch, balance and co-ordination.  
Does he have any obsessions?  These can be anything he is very interested in.  If he does try to see if there is any kind of club that involves that type of thing.  My son is very interested in wars and fighting some he has just begun foil fencing lessons.  Usually team games are a no-no due to the social side of things and having to work as a team is something alien to them.  Try for small group or one to one stuff eg. trampoline, fishing, martial arts, rock climbing etc.  If his anxiety is such an issue also mention that to the doctor.  But it maybe that if he has a much more structured environment in a school that understands what these children need (usually alot of visual support eg. visual timetables, work given visually as well as verbally - structured playtimes etc - then his anxiety should reduce.  His anxiety is fueled by not being able to predict outcomes or understand anything other than the literal interpretation of language and rules.  Without that rigid interpretation it all appears like chaos to him and he literally doesn't know what to do.
You can also start with talking to him about things like 'everyone makes mistakes sometimes', 'we all try to be good but sometimes things can make us angry/upset but we can make things right by saying sorry'.  All these types of things will help him rectify things when he finds out he has broken a rule etc.  Does that make sense.  You need to teach him these things because he won't pick it up automatically like the rest of the children do.  For ages my son wouldn't attempt to draw/colour/write because he was so anxious about getting it wrong.  We had to explain to him for a long time that not getting it right is okay.  That people practice for a long time to get things right etc.  Now he will attempt things and he isn't so upset when things don't turn out to plan.

[Rachel Thompson, Ph.D., BCBA]

Asperger's Disorder is characterized by social difficulties and the presence of repetitive or stereotyped patterns of behaivor (e.g., proccupations, inflexible routines). Your son seems to be experiencing some social difficulties, but you did not mention repetitive behavior. I do recommend that you begin by sharing this information with your son's pediatrician. He is certainly experiencing some of the social challenges typical for 7-year-old children, but it seems that he is a bit more anxious than may be typical.

You mentioned difficulties with drop off at school and other social events. This behavior is probably related to his social challenges in those upcoming events. But, we know that parent reactions to separation difficulties play a major role as well. Here are some suggestions: (1) Evaluate the events that he has difficulties with, especially those that are nonessential. For example, does he seem to enjoy the play date. Do you consider this an important opportunity for him? Have you done what you can to make this activity enjoyable for him. (2) If you decide that the event is not important, consider dropping it. (3) If you decide the event is important, make it a routine and follow through. Avoid cajoling and bargaining about the event. (4) Use the same routine to drop your son off (e.g., hug and goodbye) and avoid lingering. (5) Return in a predictable way (e.g., at the same time). (6) Focus on the positive aspects of the event when you talk to your son about how it went. (7) If possible, work with others at the event to ease the dropp off. For example, ask the adult leading the event to greet him (or have a child greet him) immediately with a favorite toy or activity.

[Sally44]

I've just thought of some other things I wanted to add.
Every child on the spectrum is different.  I do know of other children, who like your son, need to stick rigidly to rules and behaviour.  For example one mother has a son who gets very upset if the other children in the class don't sit quietly and get on with their work!  Those types of things wouldn't annoy my son.  The background noise would bother him because of the sensory issues involved ie. he would find it hard to concentrate.  But if someone was being naughty he might find it funny.  My son doesn't seem to need to keep to these types of rigid ways of thinking.  But he does need things to happen as he has been told.  He has to be forewarned of change and then he is okay with it.
Another thing I wanted to say is that eventhough english is their native language, it is more like it is their learnt second language because they don't get the subtle meanings, double meanings, sayings, humour etc.  I read an article about a gifted autistic savant who can learn a new language within a week.  But eventhough his native language is English he prefers to live abroad because his difficulties are always put down to him 'being a foreigner'.  And that made me think of a language mistake I made whilst living in Greece which is typically autistic (although I am not autistic myself).  There was a group of us sitting on the balcony one evening, looking down over the town, and a Greek woman said (in Greek)  "the mosquitos are not biting tonight".  So I said (in Greek), "no they are not biting me either because i've used insect repellent".  And everyone collapsed in laughter leaving me feeling very silly and I had no idea why what I had said had been funny.  Then they explained that it is a Greek saying which means that "there are not many people out and about, so business will be poor tonight".  But someone with autism/aspergers is making these kind of language mistakes all the time - and it is because they have literal interpretation of each word.  Just make a mental note, when you are at work, how many times someone says something that isn't literal eg. 'pull your socks up' 'get a life' 'why the long face' 'cat got your tongue' 'give us a break' etc etc.