nephew diagnosed with autism

[emmie1977]

My nephew has been diagnosed with autism and since being diagnosed my sister has distanced herself a bit. She doesnt really discuss it or like to discuss it at all. How can I be there for her and be supportive?

[Sally44]

One other thing I want to mention is advice given to me.  How we interact is rather like a tennis game.  So we hit the ball of conversation back and forth.  For someone with autism that is very difficult to do.  It is far easier to sit alongside the child and comment on what the child is doing rather than address the child.  For example if the child is playing with water and you go up to the child and say 'Hi John what are you doing?', you will probably get no response at all.  But if you watch what they were doing and say 'water', or 'wet' and then wait to see what kind of response you get.  Try to address the situation rather than the person.  Does that make sense?  For example, my son likes to play war games.  He lines up both sides of soldiers.  If I ask him 'what are you doing', I might get no response at all.  If I make a noise like an aeroplane or a gun I will have his attention immediately and he will join in.  We will have a war, taking turns, making all the machine noises etc.  We can play like this for a long time and maybe neither of us will utter a single word.  But we have played and interacted.  We need language.  Autistic children don't.  When we use anything other than simple short sentences it is like someone coming up to us and speaking to us in French, expecting us to understand and reply in French to them.  Of course we couldn't do that.

[emmie1977]

Wow, you really have provided alot of insight for me. I really appreciate it. I will talk to her more directly. Her son is 4 and diagnosed about a year ago. He is on the end of the spectrum which makes him higher functioning but he doesnt communicate to people other than his mom. His eye contact is fleeting and he kinda lives in his own world. I quess I didnt realize how hard it is to raise a child with the disorder. I thought it was difficult I just didn't know to what extent. I will keep you in my prayers. Being a mom is a hard enough job... I have 3. But being the mom of a child with Autism really deserves an award for strength and courage. I wish you all the luck in the world and truly appreciate you taking the time to respond. Thanks.

[Sally44]

Then I think all you can do is tell your sister what you have posted here.  You don't say how long she has known of the diagnosis, or how old her child is.  For family gatherings I think you will all need to bear in mind what this child likes and what he cannot tolerate.  So, for example, if he will sit and watch and DVD, then make sure he is able to watch TV regardless of the fact that this is not what you usually do when family is together.  If there is anything else that occupies him, like lego, or construction stuff, or locks and keys or mirrors - anything at all that will keep him in one place, then let him have it.  I do understand how your sister feels, because you cannot relax, not even for a minute.  You come home feeling exhausted, thinking it would have been so much more relaxing if you had stayed in!
Some autistic children can run off.  Mine tends to be a hider.  By that I mean that if you don't have your eyes on him 100% of the time, you will suddenly realise he isn't there any more and you will have no idea where he has gone.  If you call his name it makes no difference because he often appears deaf especially if he is engrossed in doing something.  I have lost him a number of times, in shops, in the library, in my own home!  If she hasn't taken your offer of babysitting, then maybe you can just call round and try interacting with her child.  Remember to follow his interests and storylines as he may not have enough imagination to follow anything you suggest (but you can try it).
They also find it hard to predict outcomes, so they can do potentially dangerous things without realising it.  Mine has set fire to things, got out the house and started the car on his own.  I always have to have doors and windows locked.
It maybe that your sister is struggling to understand her son as well.  Maybe you could do some reading and discussions together about what kind of things to try.
If he has any sensory issues at all (and that includes the sense of balance and co-ordination), then I would recommend a book by a woman called Olga Bogdashina called Sensory and Perceptual Differences in Autism and Aspergers.  It helps explain some of the behaviours they show from a sensory point of view.  There is also a questionnaire at the back of the book that you can complete to get a sensory profile of the child.  That can be very useful to know, because then you can work on the areas they have most difficulties with.  For example one child might be hyper sensitive to touch and smell and therefore will avoid hugging, may overreact to being touched, be fussy with clothes, avoid and refuse certain foods, whilst another will be undersensitive to touch and smell and therefore might seek deep pressure or a hugging sensation, appear not to feel pain, may eat or smell non food items.  Or a child can fluctuate between being over or under sensitive throughout the day and day by day and therefore give different reactions to the same sensory stimuli.

[emmie1977]

I appreciate your feedback. I would love to be more supportive in any way to my sister and I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. I dont fully understand Autism and have been trying to learn about it. And yes your right family gatherings are very difficult because she feels like she cant relax and chat with everyone because she has to chase after him and make sure he doesnt get into things. I just feel like she refuses to lean on me. I have offered to babysit and she turned me down. Its not just her I would like to try to connect with her son and am not sure how to do it considering his condition. Any advice is always welcome.

[Sally44]

Firstly it is going to take your interest and commitment to a certain degree, because if you ask if everything's okay, be prepared for a long lengthy discussion, and maybe alot of tears and anger as well.
If its a recent diagnosis (by that I mean under a year), then her feelings might just be too raw to discuss.  When I first got a diagnosis for my son I felt as if I had just been told that my son was dead.  And you do have to grieve for the child you thought you had and the future you thought was infront of them.  
Ask how he is doing in nursery or school.  That will usually provoke a response!  Because most of these children really struggle to find a school that understands their needs.  It is a very stressful place for these children and therefore very stressful on the parents.
Does she go to a parent support group?  Does she have contact with other families in a similar situatiion.  That is also a big help because you get alot of information advice and support from these families.
You could also volunteer to babysit so that she can have a bit of time to herself, but you will need to learn about her child and how autism affects him so that you can have a good time together.
Maybe she has distanced herself because of her child's behaviour, or because the types of things you do together at family gatherings upset her child.  Has anyone said something or made a judgement on her child or how she is handling things?