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Help me with my step daughter - Aspergers/ADHD/??
Hello..
I just really am looking to see if there's anybody else out there that has the same issues I do. I have a step-daughter who will be 9 years old in August. When I came into her life, she was 4 1/2 years old. Me and her mother met by chance and led a long distance relationship for almost a year before finally deciding to move in together. We compromised on a location and we both packed up and sort of met in the middle. I was in Las Vegas, NV, She was in a small town outside of Amarillo. We met and moved in together in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
We moved in together in May of 2007, and all seemed normal for the most part. She was always a very hyper kid from the moment I met her, I shrugged it off as to her being 4. She started kindergarden in the fall while still 4 years old. We weren't sure if this was the best move, since she couldn't get through her ABC's, and for the most part didn't seem to be where she needed to be to start Kindergarden. We went with the schools advice and let her start. Right off the bat they were calling us with behavior issues, and overall learning issues, and instead of assisting her, or putting her in the hands of a special needs teacher, they cut her to half day classes and that was it.
About this time, we noticed her starting to wet the bed a lot.. almost nightly..
A few months later into that school year, we noticed on occasion she was, I'm not quite sure how to put it, she was dry humping on her bed. Asking advice from my mother, who is a lifelong RN, and just reading about it, it seemed like it was more a self soothing thing, and everybody was telling us.. "No, don't get on to her about it"..
A little time passed, by the time the school year for her was over.. we had a new addition to our family, in our new daughter, and had just not enjoyed our time in Tulsa, so we moved back to familiar territory to Southern California. Where I had lived the majority of the last decade prior to living in Vegas.. Over time and that summer, we noticed an increase in this "soothing", and it was becoming weird, at times that we could catch her it almost seemed as she was just zoned out... I mean, eyes open but didn't even realize we were in the room.. this didn't happen all the time but we noticed it once or twice.. Finally after this became a daily routine for her, we finally started getting on to her about it because it was happening every time she was alone in her room, and sometimes on the couch or anywhere out of sight... catching her 2-3 times a day wasn't out of the question...
She started 1st grade, that August, age 5 - the school year went better, behavior problems other than normal kid stuff, where about all we had, the school was nice and small, and had a great staff of teachers.. The school assisted us in getting an IEP started, because they picked up on her special needs right away, we were also referred to a dr. and they told us she had ADHD, and started her on vyvanse. The meds helped to an extent, she wasn't as wound up, but her focus didn't improve a whole lot, in all honesty, it made it easier on us, as she was calmer and wasn't bouncing off the walls... school wise she didn't improve much, and we still had the bedwetting and this other issue.... I'd say it was about this time she began getting pretty defiant, and her and my wife were going toe to toe on a almost daily basis, she didn't do it with me... but with my wife she knew what buttons to press and how to press them, and she did it for almost what it seemed like just entertainment to her.. a lot of it was normal kid stuff, drawing on the walls, not doing what you're told.. some of it seemed pretty destructive, and some of it wasn't... but this was becoming an issue..
Over the next year it seemed everything got worse, while her behavior in 1st grade was pretty good, her behavior at home grew worse and worse. Regardless of the punishment, it didn't seem to matter to her.. she still did what she wanted, when she wanted, and if she got in trouble.. oh well, punishment had that immediate effect of.. "oh crap, i'm going to get timeout, or a spanking" but after the situation was over.. it was right back at it.. no sense of consequence at all...
After that school year was over, we made yet another move, this time back to Las Vegas, as LA was rough, and I had trouble finding work. The first 6 months or so in Vegas were bad.. my now 6 1/2 year old step daughter, was just off the charts.. she was pushing every boundary she could, and it was getting to everybody.. nobody knew what to do with her over that first summer we were there, it was to the point it started affecting me and my wifes marriage, because everybody was so high strung over her, we were scared to go places because of how she was acting, we were afraid she was going to hurt our now 1 year old, everything was a battle, and we were all tired and worn from it.
The start of the next school year wasn't great, she was entering 2nd grade, and all of the above problems were still there but worse.. she was still wetting the bed, once, sometimes twice a night.. we went to buying her pull-ups, because this was every night, even waking her up several times a night still usually resulted in an accident, cutting her off from liquids a few hours before bed, waking her up throughout the night, nothing worked... we also still had the problem with the whole what we were told was "self soothing" thing.. as it was still almost a daily occurrence. She was getting in trouble at school for back talking, and fighting with other kids, during all this, she never showed remorse or anything, even with a few incidents we were expecting to get sued by other families.. when confronted with why she does these things, or any time she gets in trouble, she just totally shuts down.. she never has answer, it's always I don't know and she admits when asked that she knew it was wrong, but doesn't know why she did it... I don't know if she truly knows it was wrong, or just answers to yes, i knew it was wrong, thinking it would avoid punishment.. she slowly began at this new school, as she had with the other schools as being the weird kid, and since the day she started school she's always been the outcast, the one that was picked on and made fun of....
And then, thinking back on it now, it seemed to all sort of stop one day... not so much stop, but improve.. she wasn't behaving as badly, the bedwetting was still there, but it was almost as if there was a peace treaty for a few months, we still had issues, but our last few months in vegas were good months for the most part.. she still had issues at school both academically and behavior.. but they were much more scattered, even though this issues were scattered they would still seem excessive for your average kid, but for her, it was a good few months... then towards the end of our stay in Vegas, it got worse, and probably the worse it had ever been... and it carried over on yet our next move... back to Tulsa... too be continued.
I just really am looking to see if there's anybody else out there that has the same issues I do. I have a step-daughter who will be 9 years old in August. When I came into her life, she was 4 1/2 years old. Me and her mother met by chance and led a long distance relationship for almost a year before finally deciding to move in together. We compromised on a location and we both packed up and sort of met in the middle. I was in Las Vegas, NV, She was in a small town outside of Amarillo. We met and moved in together in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
We moved in together in May of 2007, and all seemed normal for the most part. She was always a very hyper kid from the moment I met her, I shrugged it off as to her being 4. She started kindergarden in the fall while still 4 years old. We weren't sure if this was the best move, since she couldn't get through her ABC's, and for the most part didn't seem to be where she needed to be to start Kindergarden. We went with the schools advice and let her start. Right off the bat they were calling us with behavior issues, and overall learning issues, and instead of assisting her, or putting her in the hands of a special needs teacher, they cut her to half day classes and that was it.
About this time, we noticed her starting to wet the bed a lot.. almost nightly..
A few months later into that school year, we noticed on occasion she was, I'm not quite sure how to put it, she was dry humping on her bed. Asking advice from my mother, who is a lifelong RN, and just reading about it, it seemed like it was more a self soothing thing, and everybody was telling us.. "No, don't get on to her about it"..
A little time passed, by the time the school year for her was over.. we had a new addition to our family, in our new daughter, and had just not enjoyed our time in Tulsa, so we moved back to familiar territory to Southern California. Where I had lived the majority of the last decade prior to living in Vegas.. Over time and that summer, we noticed an increase in this "soothing", and it was becoming weird, at times that we could catch her it almost seemed as she was just zoned out... I mean, eyes open but didn't even realize we were in the room.. this didn't happen all the time but we noticed it once or twice.. Finally after this became a daily routine for her, we finally started getting on to her about it because it was happening every time she was alone in her room, and sometimes on the couch or anywhere out of sight... catching her 2-3 times a day wasn't out of the question...
She started 1st grade, that August, age 5 - the school year went better, behavior problems other than normal kid stuff, where about all we had, the school was nice and small, and had a great staff of teachers.. The school assisted us in getting an IEP started, because they picked up on her special needs right away, we were also referred to a dr. and they told us she had ADHD, and started her on vyvanse. The meds helped to an extent, she wasn't as wound up, but her focus didn't improve a whole lot, in all honesty, it made it easier on us, as she was calmer and wasn't bouncing off the walls... school wise she didn't improve much, and we still had the bedwetting and this other issue.... I'd say it was about this time she began getting pretty defiant, and her and my wife were going toe to toe on a almost daily basis, she didn't do it with me... but with my wife she knew what buttons to press and how to press them, and she did it for almost what it seemed like just entertainment to her.. a lot of it was normal kid stuff, drawing on the walls, not doing what you're told.. some of it seemed pretty destructive, and some of it wasn't... but this was becoming an issue..
Over the next year it seemed everything got worse, while her behavior in 1st grade was pretty good, her behavior at home grew worse and worse. Regardless of the punishment, it didn't seem to matter to her.. she still did what she wanted, when she wanted, and if she got in trouble.. oh well, punishment had that immediate effect of.. "oh crap, i'm going to get timeout, or a spanking" but after the situation was over.. it was right back at it.. no sense of consequence at all...
After that school year was over, we made yet another move, this time back to Las Vegas, as LA was rough, and I had trouble finding work. The first 6 months or so in Vegas were bad.. my now 6 1/2 year old step daughter, was just off the charts.. she was pushing every boundary she could, and it was getting to everybody.. nobody knew what to do with her over that first summer we were there, it was to the point it started affecting me and my wifes marriage, because everybody was so high strung over her, we were scared to go places because of how she was acting, we were afraid she was going to hurt our now 1 year old, everything was a battle, and we were all tired and worn from it.
The start of the next school year wasn't great, she was entering 2nd grade, and all of the above problems were still there but worse.. she was still wetting the bed, once, sometimes twice a night.. we went to buying her pull-ups, because this was every night, even waking her up several times a night still usually resulted in an accident, cutting her off from liquids a few hours before bed, waking her up throughout the night, nothing worked... we also still had the problem with the whole what we were told was "self soothing" thing.. as it was still almost a daily occurrence. She was getting in trouble at school for back talking, and fighting with other kids, during all this, she never showed remorse or anything, even with a few incidents we were expecting to get sued by other families.. when confronted with why she does these things, or any time she gets in trouble, she just totally shuts down.. she never has answer, it's always I don't know and she admits when asked that she knew it was wrong, but doesn't know why she did it... I don't know if she truly knows it was wrong, or just answers to yes, i knew it was wrong, thinking it would avoid punishment.. she slowly began at this new school, as she had with the other schools as being the weird kid, and since the day she started school she's always been the outcast, the one that was picked on and made fun of....
And then, thinking back on it now, it seemed to all sort of stop one day... not so much stop, but improve.. she wasn't behaving as badly, the bedwetting was still there, but it was almost as if there was a peace treaty for a few months, we still had issues, but our last few months in vegas were good months for the most part.. she still had issues at school both academically and behavior.. but they were much more scattered, even though this issues were scattered they would still seem excessive for your average kid, but for her, it was a good few months... then towards the end of our stay in Vegas, it got worse, and probably the worse it had ever been... and it carried over on yet our next move... back to Tulsa... too be continued.
Hello
It sounds to me like you have a very sad troubled and confused little girl.
She may very well have a developmental disorder as well as ADHD. My daughter is 5 and has PDD( Pervasive Developmental Disorder -which is on the Autism Spectrum) and in times of stress or worry would self sooth (or hump things as we also used think before diagnosis 13months ago).
She also had violent outbursts but did not ever harm any one but herself, bitting and headbutting etc. And the occasional chair throw or door slam.
We deal with outburst by calmly speeking to her ( i know this sounds all good and well and like one of THOSE parents but were not, it sounded weird to us at first, but it works yelling and getting involved will only inflame situations) asking her to stop what she is doing and remove her from the area or what she is doing. We also have a rocking chair in her room for her to self sooth on (instead of the humping and it works) we call this her quite chair, not time out or naughty chair. She can go here when she is feeling sad, overwhellemed or if she is being naughty, we say " do you need to go sit in your quiet chair" and she now knows. Reward systems also work well draw up chart and aim for something like dinner at Hungry Jacks (just her so its special) and each time she does something good put a star on the chart and when it full go. IT WORKS
Bed wetting is quite normal for children even at the age of 9.
From what you have said in your letter this child has been moved around and relocated a lot. This is hard for any child to deal with, but throw in a new step dad and then a new baby to the mix. Wow that is enough for any child to start acting act out. Again bed wetting is a sign of uneasy. Children will do it when they are upset or stressed.
You say she does not have any friends this could be a sign of her communication skills lacking because of a disorder or simply perhaps she doesn't feel a sence of belonging any where. She may not feel she fits any where. New dad, new baby, new house, new school.
I feel for you and your wife and daughter. It is hard I know. I would take her to see a child psychologist, maybe a behaviour specialist, or occupational therapist, but take her to a good Paediatrician ( I'm not sure how it works in USA ,I'm In Australia, but your paediatrician be able to recommend each of these services) and ask about a developmental disorder such as PDD. It is not nice to think about having these things but honestly after having a diagnoses we now now my daughter isn't just naughty like we had thought (or though at times is) she has a problem and we can help her to deal with it.
I wish you and your family the best and look forward to reading an update saying you are all doing well.
Shazvh
It sounds to me like you have a very sad troubled and confused little girl.
She may very well have a developmental disorder as well as ADHD. My daughter is 5 and has PDD( Pervasive Developmental Disorder -which is on the Autism Spectrum) and in times of stress or worry would self sooth (or hump things as we also used think before diagnosis 13months ago).
She also had violent outbursts but did not ever harm any one but herself, bitting and headbutting etc. And the occasional chair throw or door slam.
We deal with outburst by calmly speeking to her ( i know this sounds all good and well and like one of THOSE parents but were not, it sounded weird to us at first, but it works yelling and getting involved will only inflame situations) asking her to stop what she is doing and remove her from the area or what she is doing. We also have a rocking chair in her room for her to self sooth on (instead of the humping and it works) we call this her quite chair, not time out or naughty chair. She can go here when she is feeling sad, overwhellemed or if she is being naughty, we say " do you need to go sit in your quiet chair" and she now knows. Reward systems also work well draw up chart and aim for something like dinner at Hungry Jacks (just her so its special) and each time she does something good put a star on the chart and when it full go. IT WORKS
Bed wetting is quite normal for children even at the age of 9.
From what you have said in your letter this child has been moved around and relocated a lot. This is hard for any child to deal with, but throw in a new step dad and then a new baby to the mix. Wow that is enough for any child to start acting act out. Again bed wetting is a sign of uneasy. Children will do it when they are upset or stressed.
You say she does not have any friends this could be a sign of her communication skills lacking because of a disorder or simply perhaps she doesn't feel a sence of belonging any where. She may not feel she fits any where. New dad, new baby, new house, new school.
I feel for you and your wife and daughter. It is hard I know. I would take her to see a child psychologist, maybe a behaviour specialist, or occupational therapist, but take her to a good Paediatrician ( I'm not sure how it works in USA ,I'm In Australia, but your paediatrician be able to recommend each of these services) and ask about a developmental disorder such as PDD. It is not nice to think about having these things but honestly after having a diagnoses we now now my daughter isn't just naughty like we had thought (or though at times is) she has a problem and we can help her to deal with it.
I wish you and your family the best and look forward to reading an update saying you are all doing well.
Shazvh
We arrived back in Tulsa, about a year ago... sometimes we feel like we need to give her these fresh starts, because every year she typecasts herself as the weird kid, the one that gets picked on.. etc... we had the whole summer before she started school, and they were terrible months... it was how it was at it's worse, but 10x more chaos... We researched the schools in our area, and found nothing but terrible things being said about them, and at the urging our my in-laws, who thought that we were making all this up, we decided to let her go to school in Texas, and live with my in-laws for this school year... We all needed the break from the chaos, so we said ok, let's try it.. how bad could it be? they're only a few hours from us...
The school year is now about over, and I have to say.. she's doing better academically.. she's reading on her level, still struggling a tad with math, but overall she is doing better.. i hope this is the case, but part of me believes.. well, this is the 2nd time she's done it.. of course she'll do better..
Everything else has gone downhill... She's got in a ton of trouble this year at school, mostly for fighting and hitting, and the occasional body slam... she back talks her teachers... She's got in trouble a couple times this year for sexual issues, stemming from what there in no way in my opinion be self soothing.. most recently another student was caught doing the same thing that she does, and when questioned, the kid blamed my kid, and CPS was called in for suspected molestation... She denies it happening, and doing it.. so one of two things happened.. either A. it did happen or B. the kid knew of her issues and used my step daughter as a scapegoat, either way.. she has been stereotyped once again, and is not allowed at her after school program anymore, on top of a pending CPS case... the CPS interviewer pretty much advised us of things we already knew, but in the end they don't suspect any molestation, but they said she totally shut down during the interview and seemed to be living in her own little world oblivious to the things around her, things I've been saying for years. Her behavior has gotten 100x worse, she back talks more than ever, does what she wants, and eats what she wants.. and I'll say has gained a good 25lbs since the start of the year (another thing she gets from her classmates) my wifes mother tends to turn a blind eye to the majority of these things, even most recently my wife got onto her about the way she talks to people, and my mother in-law told her that it wasn't her fault, that she couldn't help it... who knows what else has been over looked but her behavior is 100x worse, and besides being able to read at her level, everything has went downhill... and I just don't know what to do..
She is almost 9 now, still wets the bed on a nightly basis, still has there masturbation issues, shuts down anytime you try to have a talk with her, and just lives off in her own world, a world where she does what she wants without consequence.. she's eventually been outcasted by her peers at every school/social situation she's been in, doesn't have any friends, and is now overweight..... I don't think this is ADHD.. I originally chalked her early behaviors up to just immaturity, but as time has went on, it's only got worse...
Does anybody else have/has had a child like this... she's coming back up to live with us again in a couple weeks, and I need some sort of game plan, of course we'll be back to the doctors, and I think a child psychologist as well, though the way she shuts down I don't think it's going to do a whole lot... what else can I do?
The school year is now about over, and I have to say.. she's doing better academically.. she's reading on her level, still struggling a tad with math, but overall she is doing better.. i hope this is the case, but part of me believes.. well, this is the 2nd time she's done it.. of course she'll do better..
Everything else has gone downhill... She's got in a ton of trouble this year at school, mostly for fighting and hitting, and the occasional body slam... she back talks her teachers... She's got in trouble a couple times this year for sexual issues, stemming from what there in no way in my opinion be self soothing.. most recently another student was caught doing the same thing that she does, and when questioned, the kid blamed my kid, and CPS was called in for suspected molestation... She denies it happening, and doing it.. so one of two things happened.. either A. it did happen or B. the kid knew of her issues and used my step daughter as a scapegoat, either way.. she has been stereotyped once again, and is not allowed at her after school program anymore, on top of a pending CPS case... the CPS interviewer pretty much advised us of things we already knew, but in the end they don't suspect any molestation, but they said she totally shut down during the interview and seemed to be living in her own little world oblivious to the things around her, things I've been saying for years. Her behavior has gotten 100x worse, she back talks more than ever, does what she wants, and eats what she wants.. and I'll say has gained a good 25lbs since the start of the year (another thing she gets from her classmates) my wifes mother tends to turn a blind eye to the majority of these things, even most recently my wife got onto her about the way she talks to people, and my mother in-law told her that it wasn't her fault, that she couldn't help it... who knows what else has been over looked but her behavior is 100x worse, and besides being able to read at her level, everything has went downhill... and I just don't know what to do..
She is almost 9 now, still wets the bed on a nightly basis, still has there masturbation issues, shuts down anytime you try to have a talk with her, and just lives off in her own world, a world where she does what she wants without consequence.. she's eventually been outcasted by her peers at every school/social situation she's been in, doesn't have any friends, and is now overweight..... I don't think this is ADHD.. I originally chalked her early behaviors up to just immaturity, but as time has went on, it's only got worse...
Does anybody else have/has had a child like this... she's coming back up to live with us again in a couple weeks, and I need some sort of game plan, of course we'll be back to the doctors, and I think a child psychologist as well, though the way she shuts down I don't think it's going to do a whole lot... what else can I do?
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