I have had BPD for 23 years. I have over the past year improved a bit. I know more about my disorder now and receive great therapy. My question is how does anyone else feel when they start to have an "episode" I have been trying to identify mine earlier and work through them better. I often feel sped up and my mind races and I can't sleep etc. Does anyone else ever feel that way or am I alone?
Hi there. Oh yes def def have episodes of almost manic like behaviour, not nice at all. Not everyone with BPD has these manic like attacks but I certainly do. Following the manic like period I'm usually stable for a short time however, this does not last. Before I know it I'm headding down into depression and ultimately suacidal. This has been the patten for 30 years and although in my intense reasearch shows that BPD can get better as we age, I am finding the complete opposite - I'm actually becoming worse. My self harming and anorexic tendencies are intense, substance abuse is about the same, angery thoughts are fife. Tough I have never actually acted upon the terrible anger, lately I'm feeling more out of control. The anger is there most of the time because I am 53 years old, have suffered alone for 30 years and consider my whole life wasted to BPD. UK Dr's have never really recgonised BPD and my Dr is very reluctent to offer any form of treatment saying borderliners have a very 'bad reputation'!! Whatever that may mean!! So yes, racing thoughts and actions ARE part of BPD for some of us. Hope that helps. XX
Identifying the things that trigger episodes was, for me, a critical step in reducing them, but yes -- when I'm in an episode, I do have physical symptoms from the adrenaline that is released -- rapid (often non-productive thoughts), racing pulse, can't sleep, often I'll be sick to my stomach, sometimes muscles in my arms and legs will involuntarily shake and/or I feel the need to "run away" (though I've learned that it's not a good idea to drive, go anywhere, or make any major decisions while in such a state).
When I was young, I thought my moods were random and beyond my control, but now I'm seeing that I have certain triggers that I can either avoid or minimize (most of the time). Unlike bipolar disorder, BPD is an emotional regulatory disorder (professionals are considering changing the diagnosis name to ERD) and episodes are triggered by what we think about certain events (not cyclical or random chemical imbalances). Episodes/outbursts are triggered by our thoughts about an event (something someone did/said or something we've been dwelling on). Often, our black/white thinking causes us to "take things too personally" or to perceive a situation/thought/event incorrectly (a cognitive distortion). The good news is that it's not "random" and beyond your control! Identifying triggers and learning ways to "self talk" (cognitive behavior therapy) your way out of distorted thinking before you slip over the edge can help you regain control!
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