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Is my wife a BPD?
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Is my wife a BPD?

Hi have been married for just over 4 years now. My wife has always been very sensitive to evereything. She has always had an issue with Trust and frequently acuses me of having relationships without having any reason. She has gone so far as to tell me that someone has phoned her to tell her that I am cheating on her. I cannot even walk with her in a mall, as she would get very angry and accuse me of looking at woman. She also has a problem with walking in our house in the dark, and I have to switch on the lights for her first. (At first I thought this was to seek attention).

Some of our biggest fights happen when there is a big figh when I am 5-10 min late coming back from work....She would ask me "where I was" and would lose sense of reality that actually I could have been stuck in traffic. She also hates being in crowds of people and would make excuses not going to parties where large numbers of people would be. On the odd ocasion, where we do land up at a social event, she gets very irratated and normally pics a fight over something so that we can go home. Everey social event we have been to turned out in a fight,

In the first 3 years she has also made numerouse suicide threats and on 2-3 occasions cut hersef. The suicide tendancy as well as the fear of darkness has dissapeared since the birth of our twins a year ago, but the rest remains unchanged.

Her arguments over something small (usually things she cannot reason about) turns into intense anger and she will follow me around the house for 30min up to a couple of hours screaming and shouting about the same issue for example being late or looking at another woman. This sometimes turn violent. After an intense episode like this she will return calm, but remain angry and silent for a day up to two weeks, During this period the smallest of things would triger an outburst during which time she would normally swaer at me, say something nasty or degrading to me. I go from a loving husband a week ago to the badest person she knows.

I have never known how to treat any of this and have tried to look and change my attitude and response a number of times as I was told by her on many ocasions that it is my fault and that I need to change. Needless to say, none of my strategies ever worked....

I recently heard about BPD, and when reading up on the symptoms, it accurately described what I was experiencing from my wife. I have seen a phsycologist and explained this to him...he mentioned it could also be bi-polar.

Can annyone with experience on this give me an indication of what this could be?

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It could be either Bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder but either way she really does need to see someone.
There are groups and treatment for borderline personality and also medications for bipolar.
Does she seem very attached to You and seem as though she has a fear of losing You'?
I know you mentioned the trust issue which a lot of them have but also a lot of them will mainly rely on one person and become attached to that person anything involving where they believe they are going to lose that person or be abandoned by that person turns into fear of rejection and can result in voilence and suicide attempts and threats
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks for listening and commenting. The attachment changed over time....In the beginning she was physically attached, clinging to me whenever I tried to leave for work or home (when we were not living together). To be honest, I did not know how to handle the clinging.

The current fear of abandonment I can see in her reaction when she constantly phones me "where are you?" and gets angry even though I am only 5 minutes late and her constant worries about me looking at other woman.

Recently though she has mentioned divorse (when she is in the "I hate you state"). Whether this is just a threat to manipulate me to change, I dont know?

To be honest I don't understand the workings of a BPD or Bi-Polar mind?
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Avatar_f_tn
Who does?  I'm not sure we or the so-called experts do either.  Personality disorders are complex.  Bipolar, I expect can be too.

From what you write it sounds like bpd but then I have very limited knowledge of bipolar.  There is something that differentiates bipolar from bpd but I can't remember what that is now.  I think it was related to the anger aspect.

I would personally recommend you encourage your wife to have a psych assessment.

I was just reading about the sensitivity element to the disorder (bpd that is) yesterday.  I think that might have been under the borderline personality disorder section at realmentalhealth.com.  Can't remember.  It might have even been in a book I have.

Trust is often a big issue for those with bpd.  Many people with the disorder have been abused (75% of women with the disorder).  From that perspective it would make it understandable that people are sensitive and slow to trust.

Maybe she was once frightened or something happened to her in the dark.  ??  This sounds more like anxiety.

People with bpd can take a while to return to baseline following intense emotions.

It's not about you, it's about her.  Both of you need to work together to get through this.  Most of the work needs to be done by her though.

Congrats on the twins!  

I need to go.  I have a lot I would like to say.  She really needs to be assessed by a doctor though.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Would a count of rape by a previouse boyfriend be regarded as enough abuse and .....
Sudden death by a father cause fear of abandonment?

This all happened in one year and she was 18 at the time.....Apparantly this disorder starts in early adolescence
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1311328_tn?1273669292
I think You should speak to someone about this not only for her but also for yourself. Sometimes the person caring for the person with the mental illness need just as much support as the person suffering to understand and have the ability to continue to support them.
The divorce threats sound as though it comes from an intense fear of her losing You. Her intense fear brings out anger and in fear she is capable of being quite hurtful. She goes into constant fighting battle to protect herself and in doing so she hurts those around her. Not meaning she does it intentionally sometimes she may not even realize until later and this can cause much frustration to her.
It can happen in early adolescence but Post traumatic Stress disorder can also occur in early adolescence.
Which could also be it considering she was raped by a previous boyfriend and lost her father. That is definately considered as enough abuse and can lead to fear of it repeating.
Your welcome feel free to message me if You need to talk as well
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Avatar_f_tn
Abuse can often be far less than something as potentially traumatizing as rape.
Yes, rape is enough.

I think betrayal by a boyfriend perhaps also makes it more damaging.  I expect she must feel extremely vulnerable and fearful.  Trust issues are probably to be expected.
This may also account for her previous fear of the dark.

I'm not sure that the death of her father at age 18 would have caused her abandonment issues.  I think that was a lot of stress though during an important life transition.

From my own personal experience I would say that traits exist from a much younger age.  Personality disorders are not generally diagnosed till adulthood though when the brain and personality have developed.

I think your wife needs to be assessed and then treated.  Psychotherapy will help her work through her past traumas.

I sense that we're missing something.  Not sure what.

Complex-ptsd is another disorder to consider.  Not sure they're all that different though.  Something still doesn't feel right.

Yesterday when I was writing I was also wondering if your wife had been screened for postnatal depression, etc.  She may be more at risk for that.
Stress and fatigue can make people with mental health issues more vulnerable.

I hope you are able to get your wife to a doctor for an evaluation.  I'm not sure I would like to be you though.  Just the mention of it may trigger any paranoid response or she may be quite receptive.  Sometimes just knowing that someone sees and cares is enough.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks guys, I think the best support I can have at the moment is you guys who understand. Sometimes when things really gets bad I would phone her mother to try and reason with her, but it always turned out to be may fault. I have a suspission her mom has the same disorder as she shows similar traits. (sensitive, outbursts, threats of suicide when not getting her way)

She is seeing a phsychiatrist on Monday. (She thinks its for marriage counceling). I have shown him the evidence both video and writing (she writes poems on poetbay.com). Her poems are titled "alone, alone alone", "emptyness" and things like "edge of a silver blade" in which se writes about feelings of emptiness, abandonment and suicide.

The phsychiatrist is 95% sure there is a disorder by looking at the evidence.

It is definitely not post natal stress, as these conditions existed when we got married!

Please message me personally....I would like to know as much as possible about this disorder (if it is confirmed that she has it)

Positive thing: For the first time in 4 years I am starting to understand what is going on. I started to ignore the outburts, but also found that that does not help.
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh dear!  Talking to her mother wouldn't have helped though.  I often find that can make the situation worse.  It's called splitting.  far better to have a conversation with the person.

I guess it is for marriage counselling in a sense, isn't it?  I expect she may feel hurt by your betrayal -even if it is in her long-term best interest.

Did the doctor make any comments regarding the video and poetry?  Just was sure she had a disorder?  I think most people here would concur that she has issues.

You know, writing can sometimes be personal and be works of fiction.  It does sound as though it is a reflection of her own life and internal world but it might be exaggerated somewhat.

I got that the problems predated the birth of your twins, I was just wondering whether her behavior had deteriorated afterwards as well.  Some had gotten better you said, like the thing with the darkness and the suicidal tendencies.  Maybe the children have helped her to feel connected?

Ignoring doesn't work either.  This is why she needs therapy.  It is so complex.
I sometimes find that having the emotion validated helps.  I can see you're angry (or whatever).  Sometimes that little bit of validation will be enough to off-set the emotion or at least reduce it's intensity and duration.

Good luck for the appointment.  I take it you are going with her.  (And have a baby sitter?)  I'm not sure your wife is going to be too happy but then she may be calm and rational.  Maybe the doctor will help dissipate any tension.  I don't mind seeing doctor's, or didn't mind, because they have quite a lot of status and that is good for my ego.

Would you like to let us know how you get on and then we can message you with answers to any questions you may have.  Everybody here answers to the best of their ability and has different skills and resources to share.

Good luck!!
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Avatar_m_tn
Update.....

Hi Guys, my wife has seen the psychiatrist today, and I am anxiously awaiting his feedback.....

We patched things up over the weekend and she seemed so "normal"....However, I had some suspisions after reading about the problems with sex some of the people with BDB has.

When she wasn't looking I went through her phone and found sms's between her and the piece of trash that she is taking guitar lessons with.....To cut a long story short, I confronted them both, and they both admitted to me talking about sex, sex lives as well as fantasies and promising getting naked in front of each other......He landed up asking to have sex with my wife and asked her to remove her clothes...she told him she won't but if he want to get naked he can....He landed up doing so and mastrubated in front of her, all while my kids were sleeping!!!!!! She watched!!! I am sick to the bone right now!!!

Any suggestions?

I am furiouse.......Should I file for divorse?....I certainly feel like doing it but so scared to lose my kids and they land up being exposed to this!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Not very pleasant!!

No, wait til you hear back from the psychiatrist.  You are wanting support and treatment for this, right?  This is just the beginning.  It's not going to be easy but it should get better.

I wonder if the 'normal' period was evidence of the split.  ??  Too confusing.

Wait for the professionals to help and direct you.  Don't do anything drastic before then or before you give interventions time to work.

Take care.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am so mad at the moment.....She says she did nothing wrong. I asked her to file a sexual harrasment case if she has done nothing, but she also refuses.

I am so sad at the moment, and I dont want to lose my kids.....This is tearing me apart!
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Avatar_f_tn
Take some deep breaths.  Are you able to do something to create some personal space?

You won't lose your kids as you are the stable person in the relationship.

I can't empathize with your deep emotions at this time as I'm depressed and feel numb.

Can you talk to your therapist about this?  That may help you better understand and help you to process all the negative emotions.

Try some strenuous exercise.  That may help you to calm down a little.  You have every right to feel angry and sad and confused, etc.  I'm sorry your wife has hurt you.

Try talking to someone about how you feel.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thanks Jaquta...And please do not feel depressed...T

I am just in a bad place right now. Dont want to tear up a family for my kids sake, but really cannot expose them to this either....Sorry for complaining guys, I have no where else to turn at the moment.
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Avatar_f_tn
Just some precautionary advice - if you haven't already started, begin to document.  Record dates, times, events, those present, etc. of everything your wife does/says that impacts (or could impacty) negatively on the children.  Be sure to keep this information out of the home (perhaps at work).  You may need it in order to get custody of the children.  Our son did this and he gained primary custody of both children and kept the family home.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I was married to someone with BPD (well I still am but am in the middle of getting a divorce). First jdtm is right you need to document. I was advised to get a notebook or calender and write in it, don't think you'll remember dates even of horrific events and don't right everything at once. Judges see the different types of pens, pencils, colors even the way we write varies day to day and although its not concrete it is more then helpful.
Second don't act or not act out of fear, you have to protect your children. I ran into a time where I had to go through so much when I left him and filed a restraining order against him. He called DCF to get back at me and they came out to ensure my daughter was not witnessing abuse, that I was protecting her (this is where the system is backwards, when dealing with a mentally unstable person, you can have people all over you for "failure to protect" and the unstable person is offered help) I also had to be assessed. It seems they understand the other person is "sick" but wonder how a "normal" person can live with that. I went through it and have sole cusody of our daughter and after a year of no visits, then a year of supervised visits he now has her the first weekend of the month.
I also dealt with sexual issues, he always accused me of things but it was him that was doing things that I could not deal with but was not healthy enough to leave him...once I rejected him. I had a friend who was slept over after being out and drinking to much and depending on who you ask, she crawled into the room and got him to come into the living room and they "started" to mess around or he went out there and she woke up to him touching her and they started to mess around. while I slept in my bed and our daughter was asleep in her room. There were several other "weird" sexual things I ran into, but I do not understand if its a BPD thing.
He was not diagnosed with BPD until after I left him, before he has had several other diagnoses and I do not know if they stand but he is no longer my problem, except to protect my daughter as much as I can and get her help to understand what it going on. I have to deal with the fallout and bad coping skills I learned living with a him. I am in therapy and also a 12 step group for family and friends of drug addicts (add that to his list). I am unlearning what I learned, learning why I dealt with it to begin with, dealing with PTSD etc.
The most important thing we can do as parents is make sure our children have happy healthy homes, take some time and find out for you what that is, is that staying and helping your wife, is that leaving and taking the children until she is in a better place, is that filing for divorce and taking the children.....there is no one size fits all, I wish there was.
Lastly I have finally learned people with mental illness are responsible for their behavior, they do not get a pass because of it, if you have helped her and done all you can do the old saying you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink fits.
If your wife was diabetic it would not be your responsibility to give her shots, remind her to watch her diet etc.
Keep thinking and getting things out and don't forget to take care of your own needs
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Avatar_m_tn
I have spoken to the phsyciatrist. He says there is a strong posibility for a disorder or depression. He could not evaluate her at the time as she was to emotional and will test her for a disorder with her next visit.

I am still hurt and angry on what she did (told the guy to take off his clothes, watched him mastrubate, offered a tisue and told himshe enjoyed it)!!!!! I cannot seem to get over it, and she still says she did nothing wrong....also no appology!!!!

Should I divorde her and fight for my children?
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Avatar_f_tn
What do you want to do?

Your wife has issues, yes, but right now I don't think you are in a good space to make decisions.  This is how someone with bpd reacts.  Doesn't feel very nice, does it?

You need to do what you think is best for you and your children.  You need to decide this for yourself.  A T could help direct you though.

I kind of feel a little hurt reading other people's stories because I also have bpd and I am fiercely loyal to people who I trust and who listen to me and treat me with respect.
I guess the ironic thing is that their prognosis is better than mine because they have relationships, even if they are unhealthy ones.

I think for many people with bpd, especially those in the early stages of recovery, that it is difficult to take responsibility and to own things/ issues, etc.  Denial is just one of the many primitive defense mechanism we can use.  Sometimes all we essentially are are children in adults bodies.  Emotionally, although we have been through a lot, we can still be very immature.

I'm sorry you guys have all been hurt so much by someone with bpd.
People with bpd hurt a lot too.  I mean they can feel things acutely too.

I wish there were early intervention measures so that people at risk of mental illness could be identified and taught skills, etc to avoid the carnage that becomes their life.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry you hurt reading stories such as mine. I know my husband was hurt so badly, it broke his spirit and and I did everything from enable to throw him out hoping he would finally get help that he'd stick with. I dealt with mental, emotional, financial, physical  and finally sexual abuse, it took him taking our daughter on a drug binge for me to file a restraining order to only have it used against me by the department of children and families.  I had people in and out of my house for a year, more hoops to jump through then I can count and my daughter never witnessed abuse. Luckily I had family who would take her at the drop of a hat and keep her for as long as needed and she started therapy at 3 so she could understand daddy was sick. I am bitter for his  wrath and refusal to get help. That our daughter loses out on her father because he went from loving and involved with her to using her as a pawn to get at me and she does not understand what happened.

Seeing your posts give me such hope, I have been told by professional after professional that there is no hope for him and that I need to protect our daughter.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety and now PTSD. I had serious medical issues ignored because I was labeled as "mentally ill" to that add in abuse and I had to have my brother who is in the medical field advocate for me, tell the doctors he works with that even after hives,seizures, and a pulse that would not come down after medication that it was not anxiety and to admit me.
I hope that one day something will change inside him and he will seek help, before I saw this forum I had lost all hope. I also have to work hard to keep my self from "what if" for my daughters future. Genetically she has mental illness and addiction on both sides and when my anxiety gets the best of me I fear for her but today I know that she can have better then I had because she can learn and understand things that were hidden from me.
I wish you well on your journey and I thank you for giving me hope!
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Avatar_f_tn
Understandable.  There is a saying that mental illness either makes you bitter or better.  I guess it could equally apply to friends and family, etc.

You should not have had to have gone through what you have.  Nobody should.  You did a good job of protecting your daughter.  You are a good mother.

Your daughter should be your priority.  I hate it though when people basically tell others to give up on us and to throw away the key.  That sometimes makes me despair that I will ever get better.  It makes me feel hopeless and powerless.

Sounds like an allergy to ?medication.  You are lucky you had someone to advocate for you.  Many don't.  I find it so hard sometimes when people choose not to hear or see you because we have been labelled or have a history of mental illness.  It can leave us feeling so vulnerable.

You know, I think your daughter will be OK.  You are doing everything within your power to do what is in her best interests.

Thank you.  It's reciprocal.

There are other communities here that you may also find helpful plus in some instances some of the yahoo health groups can also be a great source of support.

I also hope you are receiving psychotherapy to help you to address some of your own issues and traumas.

I wish you all the best.
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Avatar_f_tn
I bet hearing professionals say that that can make you feel helpless mind you they were talking about one man that they knew.....but you know whats wrong, your posts don't sound helpless, it sounds like someone who has gotten better (we all have to take out "internal temperature" though don't we?) You sound like someone who is trying to walk their disease not the other way around. I should have said thinking about him makes me bitter sometimes but TODAY I choose to be better. Nar-anon says we often are sicker then the addicts and that is true, I walked into those doors sicker then he was I was at least doing crazier things, he only acted out and became abusive if he used drugs, I am in no ways perfect....I held things against him, shut him out and I guess those can be abusive too.
I also attend domestic violence groups and individual therapy....my brain is going to be so squeaky clean after I am done washing it, sorry bad joke :-)

No one should have gone through what he did, he was abused in every shape and form and I nor anyone will ever know what would had become had he not, his "main" abuser is is a sibling who also has serious mental issues and abuses drugs, but I have never known him sober, several other close relatives are all addicts.......all that being said no one has the right to hurt another human being and today I forgive him for me not him. Cold that might sound but its true.

I try to be a good mother and I pray that my daughter turns out ok, if not I will have the tools to deal with it as best as I can be. she has her own higher power and path in life.

Yes I was having a reaction to a drug, they are not sure if it was allergic, serotonin syndrome, dystonic (not sure if I spelled that right) there was no neurologist until 2 nights after the reaction happened and most of what was wrong had weaned....and I am grateful my brother was there THAT TIME....I can't count the times he hasn't been but it's not his job to be. I have to say I was afraid of going all the way from Florida to Minnesota to the Mayo clinic to be ignored since I have "labels" but I was treated seriously and completely, my main doctor even happened to have been married to someone with mental and drug problems and he shared that with me....that's no coincidence. Had I not gone there I would still be sicker then anything having randoms drugs tossed at me putting band aids on a symptom.

I have found this place and forums because I know whats wrong, I will look at Yahoo!

Thanks!


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Avatar_f_tn
I'm very dysfunctional (and probably quite depressed at this time).
I have been diagnosed with bpd.  I would rather have not been.  Some people can present as being competent while they are anything but.
I believe I'm very unwell at this time.

Things affect people differently.  Some cope, some don't.  Some put up with rubbish, some won't tolerate it.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
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