i need so much help

[alexa5207]

i've never seen a psychiatrist before though i've always felt i should...since i was 16 as i can remember i started having these violent tempers that are uncontrollable. its so hard to explain to ppl sometimes because when i try they think im just making an excuse for my violent behavior. i finally have an appt with a psych on july 21st and im anxious to get help. in the meantime i would appreciate ANY feedback whatsoever.  here are my symptoms of when i become angry:

before (during) my anger: i feel superior, i become controlling, i feel that if things went my way (or as planned) then this wouldnt have happened, i blame him (my boyfriend), violent (hitting, kicking, biting, using objects), destroy property, sometimes i plan my attack, sometimes its spur of the moment, i think im right, irrational, cursing, screaming, dont care or even think about the consequences, unladylike, sometimes i feel offended or lied to or like im being played (taking advantage of in some way), sometimes its misdirected (meaning he could say something that i take as offensive and act on it and it will turn out that it wasnt meant to be offensive at all), only think negative thoughts and they pop into my head randomly, i think he's out to hurt me (emotionally), i only attack the men im in a relationship with at the time...never a family member or friends and i dont understand why, i dont take responsability.

after my anger or rage is gone: regretful, remorseful, ashamed of myself, hating myself, disappointed in myself, genuinely sorry, cant forgive myself, worthless, unworthy of him, hopeless (like im going to be this way forever), rational (logical) willing to reason or compromise.

in general i feel depressed because im not doing anything with my life, im not sure if thats the reason. but i dont work or go to school and i really dont have any friends, i dont get along with family, except my mom but that relationship is off and on. my life is so boring and dull. i have so many bills and so many financial concerns. the there's days when these things dont bother me and i'll feel happy for something i think anyone else would find silly. like when we went to coney island and had such a good day. no arguing or anger. i was so happy beyond belief. its weird cause even my silly little orange bracelet made me happy, i dont like to admit that to ppl cause then they think im weird.

thats pretty much the jist of it. if anyone has any insight at all as to what im going through or what it is im experiencing please share with me. i know i need help and i need someone to talk to. all my life i've felt like i wanted to talk but no one would listen and sometimes i would be angry and i would try to express it without violence but no one paid me any attention. im the youngest of 7 and to some ppl they would think that would make me spoiled but it just made me feel isolated and neglected...

[Jikan]

Namaste,

You've taken the first step by making an appointment with a psychiatrist, now make sure you keep it.

You provided a lot of information here, but without a proper history and evaluation, it's difficult to effectively even suggest a diagnosis, but I'll make some suggestions anyway.

Obviously, you have some anger management issues. As you said, you may also be suffering from depression and/or anxiety.  These conditions are totally treatable.

As for talking with someone, talk to the psychiatrist about group or individual therapy. Be honest with him/her concerning all your issues, to include your alcohol and drug use, if any.

This forum will provide you with a venue to vent, make friends and just receive some support during the times you need it.

This information is intended to supplement, not substitute for, the expertise and judgment of your physician, or other healthcare professional.

Good luck on your first visit.

Michael

[alexa5207]

Thank you for ur response, i also wanna note that im a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes I just don't know whats real anymore. Like I find myself questioning life and whats the meaning of it, why am i here and so forth...i get so confused with who i am at times and things just dont feel "right". i dont seem to fit in anywhere and feel isolated..its strange though because when i meet ppl i come off as funny and outgoing, some would even say charming, but i dont think anyone would suspect who i am in my private life and how i hurt. Its an unexplainable feeling of emotions non-stop everyday. i try to force myself to sleep most of the time just so i dont feel the pain, whether it be taking enough pills to knock me out, but not enough to make me od...i feel like a prisoner in my body and think ppl see me as being over dramatic...i wanna be able to control my feelings and my anger but i can go from being happy to completely unpredictable in a matter of seconds. i dont trust myself. ive become a hermit, i lock myself in my room because i dont wanna deal with talking or seeing anyone cuz i know they think im weird and most of the time i feel "out-of-it" anyway. i always want my boyfriend around and i feel lost when he isnt. my family isnt much help and i dont know why. i have a lot of resent towards them because ive always felt neglected growing up or like i didnt have anyone to talk to. everytime i tried to talk to my mom she would reject me. i used to live vicariously thru television, imagining that thats how a family was supposed to be, so when i would argue with my mom i would try to apply that method but it never worked, she would tell me to leave her alone or it would just esculate the problem. i had to hold my feelings back as i had no one to vent to. i come from a big family but ive always felt alone. i couldnt turn to my 6 older siblings because they were too busy with their lives. growing up they never wanted me around because i wasnt "cool" like their friends. so i morphed myself into what they wanted. i started prostituting myself just to hang out with my sisters because thats what they did. i felt bad doing it and expressed to them my feelings but thy told me to just close my eyes and deal with it. so i did. overtime it became easier as i needed the money to pay the debt i got myself into and the money my mom demanded for rent. its surprising to some ppl that i never got into heavy drugs or alcohol but i dont look for recognition because i didnt. i just never found pleasure in doing so. even though ive tried marijuana but didnt like it. the only drug thats ever caught my attention was tylenol or some over the counter asprin because it made me feel good without hallucinating. it made me mellow and eased my mind. overfortunetly it landed me in the hospital for an overdose and getting a tube shoved up my nose and down thru my throat into my stomach wasnt a pleasant feeling....so i stopped, well not completely, i learned to take the right amount to get me "high" but not dead. its not something i do often just something to ease the pain or knock me into subconscience...now im at the point where i feel like im at rock bottom because i had or have a good man in my life, i dont know anymore, and i ruin it every chance i get. not cause i want to, but i cant help it. i blow things he does or says out or proportion and make him pay for it by hitting him. i even make him pay for things that he's done in his past way before he knew me...how pathetic am i? and he hurts, and i know he hurts becaus eof me, and at times i tell him to just leave me but then i tell him i need him because i feel so empty without him...im so pathetic that even when he leaves to go to work at times i just dont know what to do with myself, i feel so bored and hollow and incomplete. i hate to think that i dont exist unless i have someone but my reality is becoming less and less clear to me. there's times im so depressed i cant get out of bed and then there's times im fine and i can function, but the anger and spite are still there just waiting to be released at the next argument...and he questions my love saying "well if u love me how could u do this to me?"...and at times i get frustrated answering this because i cant help it and he just doesnt understand that and sometimes i just wanna tell him to move past it and get over it, then there's that other part of me that understands where he's coming from and am compassionate and i try to be empathetic but its hard when i have all these feelings to deal with...sometimes i feel so selfish and i know he thinks i am because he doesnt get a chance to tend to his own emotions since im usually on edge, and i feel bad but i cant help that im such a total wreck. i would love to just be normal but who can define what that is, all i know is that normal doesnt live in me.

[althepal39]

Normal does live in you.   Trust me.  I used to feel the same way..but there are many things going on  that are causing you to feel "un normal'.  The first thing is your childhood - which sounds atrocious.  Borderline Personality Disorder is caused by bad experiences in childhood.  (the experiences made you feel you were unworthy, worthless, etc. and you lash out because of these underlying feelings)  So you need a therapist to help you sort all that out and maybe give you some medicine to help you through it.  The second thing may be your hormones.  Horomones wreak havoc on womens emotional lives!!    

[alexa5207]

thank you for ur response as well. It's funny cuz i had never heard of the term borderline personality disorder or even knew what it was until i started talking to a girl from here who thought she had it. I started researching it and when i read the symptoms and how borderlines feel, i was in complete shock, i felt like the person who wrote it was writing about me...the only thing i dont get is when i researched BPD it said that borderlines hate to feel alone or abandoned, i feel that way, like when my bf leaves i feel that empty feeling but i dont feel that way about my family at all...ive always felt that empty feeling about any of the bf's i was in a relationship with and i found myself a lot of the time jumping from relationship to relationship just to have someone...but wouldnt i feel that emptiness with my family too, does this mean it could be something other than BPD? everything else describes me to a tee except the fact that i actually crave to be away from my family but not my bf and i dont get violent or really that angry with my family, just my bf...so i dont get whats going on with me

[Kimidawn]

Have you tried taking an anger management class?  I am taking one right now and it has done wonders for me.

Keep your appt with the psychiatrist.  I liked the suggestion of getting your hormones checked.  Do you see an increase in your anger at the time of your period?

You only have to have 5 of the criteria to be a borderline so you may not have everything on the list.  I think I may be borderline.  Your psychiatrist can hopefully help you with those issues as well.

Take care,
Kimberly

[alexa5207]

Hi, I have thought about going to anger management before when my anger landed me in jail but I never pursued it, and when I OD'd and was taken to the hospital and provided me with a psychiatrist who wasnt helpful at all and just went back and told my mother everything i told him which made her mad at me cuz she thought i was just blaming her for my problems...so i looked at the criteria for BPD and I fit all 9, the only thing i dont understand is why i only take my anger out on my bf and not my family when they actually deserve it more than him. I just have such a deep resentment for them and I dont know why, most of my childhood is filled with vague memories, and I will do anything, I mean anything to avoid them, I hate being around them...so the sense of abandoment isnt a worry i have towards my family, its only for my bf, who i think is the only one that truly loves me. I think I'm such a mean person because I dont wanna be around my family at all, just my neices and nephews, they're innocent, but i would be perfectly content if i never saw the rest of them again, and i just dont know why.

[Kimidawn]

You know I only have a couple of friends I take my anger out on.  I don't take it out on my family and I don't fear abandonment from my family either but I got kind of co-Dependant on someone a while back and I feared abandonment from that person and when that person did leave it was really hard.

Maybe you fear abandonment from your bf because you are mean to him and that gives you reason to think he has reason to leave and who knows?  Maybe he will if you don't get a handle on things.

I hated the therapists I had when I landed myself in the hospital.  It takes a long time to find one who you can really open up to.

I wish I had answers for you.  All I can do is pray for you.

Kimberly

[alexa5207]

I also forgot to answer ur other question, sorry about that, i get so absentminded a lot of the time, to be honest i dont notice if i do it more so when i have my period or not...i just think i do it in general, no matter when, just when im angry.

i used to think the exact same thing that maybe im so afraid of losing him because of everything i've done to him but then i started to think ok then why do i do it in the first place then...to all of my bf's...idk, and why do i have this empty feeling when he's not around, i dont know, i just dont get it.

[Kimidawn]

part of borderline is pushing people away.  We are scared of being abandoned so we try to push people away and then if they do finally leave us we think "See I'm no good and I not worthy of love"  I have done it so many times.  You would think I'd get a clue but I keep doing it.  It's a part of the illness.  Another thing is that the empty feeling is part of the illness also.  I am learning that I can change that simply by changing my thoughts but it's harder than it sounds and it takes a lot of practice.  I sometimes think I'm just so screwed up why even bother but it's worth it to try anything that can help right.  

Try standing in front of the bathroom mirror and saying "I forgive myself for acting this way, I can't help it"  Then tell your reflection you love her and you will try to be better.  I know it sounds corny and it feels weird at first but do it everyday and just see if you don't start feeling more in control.

Have you ever heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or tapping?  If you want I'll try to explain it to you.  I have just started it myself and it also takes a lot of practice and patience but I think in the long run, it will help.

A good book that helps with all this is a book called Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle. go here for more info http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3566767763587775559

[alexa5207]

I just came back from the e.r...i felt so overwhelmed with emotions and that empty feeling that i just didnt want to live anymore so i planned on telling them everything, and let them do with me what they will...i talked to a psychiatrist, not as long as i would have liked but i did paint him a good picture i think...i told him about this borderline persoanlity disorder and he said i have similar traits but that he doesnt neccessarily like to put labels...i told him neither do i but that i needed to know what i was dealing with because putting a label on it gives me a sense of reality where if i know what it is i can begin to deal with it. And also I prefer to have a label because at least it makes me feel like ok, this is why i act this way, it doesnt mean that im an evil person, its because of this condition, u know what i mean?...as far as the EFT, 'ive never heard of but the psych did give me an appt because he said that he thinks i need more of behavioral therapy than medicine...its funny though cuz when i came home from the hospital my bf broke up with me because of something i did to him when i was mad that he just found out about...now im back to square one.

[Kimidawn]

Alexa, I am so sorry about your bf.  I think behavioral therapy is a good thing. It may help.  I actually hate drugs myself and have never responded well to them.  I wish I could reach out over the computer and give you a big hug. If you are like me, this break up is going to take you a lot of time to come to terms with but now you can have some tools to help you.  I am thinking of and praying for  you.

Kimberly

[alexa5207]

I really cannot thank you enough for all your kind words. It makes me feel so much better to know I'm not alone and that there are people out there that actually care. It will take some time but I now know I need to take it one step at a time. xoxoxo and so much more for all your help. =)

[diemyn]

YES, EFT really works!! You should try that for sure. You really have to trust yourself in order to stop the feelings of hopelessness and to stop being so angry with yourself. If you've had traumatic experiences, which it sounds like you have, you need to examine them and at least try to understand what lesson was learned from them. Even it's only that you won't do it again, you've still acknowledged personal growth. Sometimes it takes a lot of mistakes before we realize that the way we've been choosing to cope with life or with people isn't the best for us. Only you know what's best for you. It sounds like you realize how unhealthy your relationship with life and your boyfriend really is, because you are able to look at your self and you situation from many perspectives. Maybe you wouldn't be able to do that if you hadn't spent so much time and energy "playing the part" of other people in order to not feel rejected. You see, you must know(really really KNOW) that everything happens for a reason. Not only that, but you are only here on earth to know yourself and better yourself, whatever that means to you. So whatever happens you can trust that it's ultimately for the betterment of yourself.

I've been feeling like "checking out" lately. There is a very real sensation of being lost in a great big game, I feel. And even though I know that I'm winning inthe long run, I feel like my choice is taken away from me kind of. Becuz I know without a doubt that I will evolve and experience infinite bliss, the alternative(dying) is too stupid to give credit to. I can also remember that is the way of all that is dark to cling to that which is light. The closer you are to the truth the farther away it will seem sometimes. Even with all of my beliefs coming to life before my very eyes I still feel, at times, like a very insane person. I've isolated myself from life, too. That way I don't have to be around people who are apt to reject the real, enlightened, me. Honestly,a lot of people just aren't going to understand your viewpoint simply becuz they choose not to. When that's family and friends, and you put yourself out there, it's normal to feel overwhelming rejection. But you have to trust that they too are acting and being in their own best interest, not to cause you pain, but some times it happens. All the people in our lives have chosen us and us them to teach the other something..bout life, love, truth, trust, self, whatever. The hardest thing in the world can be letting someone exit your life, but you can ease the pain by being thankful that they were there at all and that you had the opportunity to learn from them and to love them.

It is of utmost importance that you love yourself. Expect good things and they will come. Try to understand that you are connected to all that you experience and then choose to channel the experiences you've had that make you happy and that make you feel like a good, whole, awake, Godlike entity. It is so much easier to stay in a rut than it is to pull out of it. You have control over your emotions and your life. If you do the EFT and release the stuck energy it'll be much easier for you to look at each new experience as just that, completely new, with a completely new you. Other ways to work through negative, old energy that is creating stagnation and ANGER is to journal about what you are feeling or feel like doing, rather than acting it out, use some form of creative expression(like drawing) with the specific intent to put that feeling you don't want(and isn't working for you right now) onto the page and out of your mind, or to talk with a person you trust and honestly express yourself, acknowledge your anger and sorrow. Sometimes just sharing the burden with another takes the weight off your shoulders.

You can look on youtube for a plethora of tapping videos. I like tap o the morning with Brad Yates. Emotional Freedom Technique works by allowing energy to move through your being. You tap on energy meridians to remove the blocks which encourage such anger and sorrow to manifest in daily life. Let me know if I can do anything else to help or if there is a topic I touched on in another of my posts which you'd like explained better.

Love and Light,
Diemyn

[ILADVOCATE]

Look if you are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and you can cope with it without medication, then that's your choice and its also between you and your psychiatrist. Any extreme moodswings may need a mood stabilizer but I won't second guess any rational technique that works. However, if you have feelings that appear to come from outside of you and the like then it might be best to think of treatment. But that's your decision. If your boyfriend is abusive don't think twice. Call off the relationship and if continues to contact you get a court order of protection. Don't spend time with an abuser. But as for what you are going through, there is a very factual way of dealing with an emotional issue. Just say as I do for myself, that you are a person with a psychiatric disability and that its part of your life and there is nothing to be ashamed. How you seek treatment for it, whether therapy or medication is your choice. The borderline personality disorder is just an aspect of your life.