I'm just so tired. I'd get up and get a knife, but I literally don't have the energy to look for one to cut myself. I feel like I'm trapped and that nothing anyone says will help me, cuz I'm so very much the special case. What is the point of this? I'm alone in a room with no windows or doors and i feel myself there but can't call to her, can't be her anymore. I've already died a thousand deaths...convince me there is a difference in this dream.
Find someone you know who you think is trustworthy and you have been able to speak to before when this happened before and call them and tell them what is going on. If you are having active suicidal ideations then you should call a crisis hotline. But if you feel alone and alienated then you should speak to someone you know and a counselor as well. The reason there may very well be a difference (and I myself have experienced this) is that some aspects of what you are experiencing may be dissociation where a person feels apart from the world in a way they cannot understand at the time. Best to speak to a friend and a counselor about this as well and consider further follow up if they believe it is warranted.
A dream is a dream, it is not reality.
I can understand why and how you would like (and need) others to advocate for your healthy part. I have often wanted and needed others to do that for me too.
The reality is that you are not that special that you can't be helped. I use to think that too. My mhs reinforced that belief too that I was hopeless and couldn't be helped. They would say how difficult and different I was. That would make me feel infinitely worse.
My advice to you would be to contact your local mental health service. Speak to your doctor or T, if you have one. If not, it is most likely easiest to speak to someone at the hospital.
Feeling suicidal like that often indicates severe depression.
Sometimes I think the not acting is also because of our healthy part. It may be small but it is strong.
The point is that with the right T and right therapy that things do get better. Not over night but over a period of time.
My theory also is that you need to be alive in order to be able to experience that life you wish was yours. For me, I need to believe that that is possible.
Sometimes I find it helpful to remind myself what that future could look like.
What is most helpful in the present moment though is to live each moment. You will also find that not every moment is bad or a struggle and this will help you move forward. If also you can achieve small things and build some forward momentum this can help.
For me, I often feel like I am in a room with windows looking out at the rest of the world but not able to participate in it.
To me it sounds as though you are dissociating or distancing yourself from ...?? You, your pain, the world. ??
I think that you are in a bad space and that you need help.
You have most likely been through all this before and therefore you will know that things aren't always this bad.
I trust that you have potential and trust that you will do the right thing. (Which is get help.)
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