** 4 yr old, getting MAD and fighting **

[daddy_4_life]

My wife and I have 4 children.  My oldest will be 4 in Sept. His twin brothers will be 3 in Aug. and their baby sister is 16 months old. I know!! All of my kids get along fantastically with most everyone. When my mother in law watches my oldest, he is an angel. My other children are perfectly behaved most of the time when he is away. They all get their own time with grandparents, friends uncles, etc...all of them have special time with mommy and daddy. They all play well together....until my oldest comes into the picture...Immediately he gets them all screaming, fighting, talking back, telling us NO! Telling my mother that they don't like her...etc..etc..We have tried spanking, time-outs, rewarding for good behavior, etc....We are as consistent as you can be trying to chase 4 kids around that are all under 4! My wife calls me at work and I hear screaming and yelling and it is always my oldest. When the twins are by themselves, it is usually tame. They have occassional bad days, but nothing like my oldest.  He gets so mad about someone taking "HIS stuff" even when it's not his, that he shakes and turns red and fights back everyone.  We stop any bad behavior before it gets out-of-hand, but he will not listen. He doesn't back down...My wife is to the point, that she is about to have a nervous breakdown, seriously.....I don't know what to do...We are going to try preschool, but I am scared that he will just get into trouble and hurt other kids...We have tried everything...Does anyone have any other ideas?  Please?  My wife is starting to physically suffer from this.....

[margypops]

Maybe till you get some answers keep him separate from the others and I dont mean as a punishment, Why are the others taking his toys perhaps they could be kept somewhere away from them then you could ask him sometimes if he wants to share them.It seems he is feeling left out maybe you could ask to speak to a counsellor who maty be able to help. There is some jealousy there and its hard for him to know how to deal with it,it has to come from you,as his Dad how about some games of sport without the others,around. It is difficult sometimes for Parents to see the whole picture,this is very common and it always seems to be the eldest.Give him some time without the others around so he feels special again,it may work, also how about pre school for a few hours so he is mixing outside the home.