10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[citmguth]

My Gosh.  I could have written this email.  Our 91/2 year old son has all of the same behaviors.  He is a beloved student at school, but a terror at home.  He talks like he's 13 years old.  Disrespectful, angry, selfish.  His 7 year old brother is so easy going and fun to be around.  This kid truly makes our home a miserable place to be much of the time.  No punishment, carrot, etc. helps.

I, too, would be interested in thoughts on this.

[nann36]

We have the same problem with our 8 year old son. He has numerous allergies and is asthmatic. We often wonder whether this has contributed somehow to his behaviour problem - similar to sandra5263, his is cyclical too but often every 4 - 6 weeks. Inbetween, he is an absolute angel!

[sboyd7509]

my son is 10yrs old and if i say it nite he would say it day, anyone got some ground rules to handle these know it all children

[sboyd7509]

i'm at a lost on what to do!!!! whenhe woke up this morning he stated to disagree with me on what he should wear, power struggle!! kurt is suppose to get up and do afew things and get dress and face his face and brush his teeth. this is not hardbut he makes our morning  miserable just talking back disagreeing. i don't know what to do.                   help don;t lnow how to help him and make a better life for all of us

[momofoc]

I would say this could have been my email also.  I have an 11 year old son who displays almost the identical bahavior as your child.  All of his teachers and friends' parents think he is the polite and wonderful child.  Our homelife is greatly disrupted because of his behavior.  Our two other children are very enjoyable, but he antagonizes everyone and causes much stress to them and us parents!  I have purchased The Total Transformation and am working my way through the material, but I have not seen any transformation yet!  I would be very interested how others are coping with this.  Right now, I dream of boarding school!

[smellysocks]

yep - could have been my email too!!  We have a boy about to turn 10 and life around him (when at home) is unpleaseant.  So what's the solution?

[namastepaz]

Same here - my 11.5 year old son just told me that he hated me, wished I was dead and that he was going to beat me.  We also have a younger, polite and friendly son that is a joy to be with.  There's a pattern here - everyone that has posted has a first born son that is pure hell and several folks have younger siblings that seem to be the opposite.  There's also the cyclical nature several of us have seen.  

Perhaps there's a sibling jealousy thing going on - that must be part of it.  Another part could be if everyone who has posted is a mom and the dads are being somewhat disrespectful to us.  I think that could give the oldest son a message that the mother does not need to be respected. That is certainly true in my case with my ex-husband.  He actually smirks if he catches my son rejecting me like he 'won'.  

[Hilke1408]

Ok, my nearly 11 year old son is exactly the same -  PLEASE HELP

[akiki]

Well, I think that as parents, especially mothers, we should never put up with rude or disrespectful behavior from our kids.

First of all, it is very damaging, if our child sees our husband/partner disrespecting us.  So we should do all we can to improve this.  Boys around this age are very impressionable as they are starting to define themselves as members of "male" world, and they quickly copycat their dads' attitude towards their mothers.  Beware of keeping verbally abusive husband or boyfirend at home around your children.

Second, make sure that your kid hangs out with good kids and do not spend unsupervised time browsing internet or chatting.  Have you installed good parental controls on his computer so that you can go over his chats and see what they are talking about?  You would be shocked and surprised (as I was myself) when you read what 10 year old kids are talking about and how they express themselves...  They swear, they talk about sex, they repeat what they hear at movies (beware of some PG13!!!), they may not fully understant that is being said, but they pick up on bad attitudes very fast...  

Eliminate your child's exposure to violent games- do not think it's okay that he plays it because "everybody else plays it" - make an effort and actually see what is this game about.  If our kid spends hours chopping off heads and fighting monsters with a sword - how can we expect him to be a kind and well behaved kid??  

Have you met his friends?  Do you know how they talk when you are not around?  Keep in mind, they are your son's teachers as well.  

Like with everything, consistency is the key.  Each time your child says something rude to you or acts disrespectfully, you have to stop whatever you are doing and talk to him.  Explain, punish, explain, punish, explain.  It doesn't have to be your fault, there are often some black sheep in the best families.  It is our responsibility as parents to keep on trying to get rid of this behavior while he is still a child and we have some say in his life.  

I think it is crucial that we fight hard for our kids.  We do not want to end up with an adult son who slaps us around and treats us like dirt.  Demand respect, ALWAYS.

[SuperCorn]

Here here. We are getting really bummed out a lot lately. Our sweet little boy is ELEVEN and acts like a surly teenager pretty much all the time. Is this what we can expect in the dreaded teenage years????

And to make matters worse he has tow younger sisters who seem to emulate his every move.

We do wonder if it is mainly concentrated on the home. Talking to teachers and other parents who are around him is a great place to start. Thanks for that.

Good luck everybody. And please wish us the same ....

[tursnip]

I have a 9 and a half year son and he also has many of these behaviors.  However, he is like this with many of the adults that he feels comfortable with.  My mom and dad, his aunties....ect.  He is well behaved at school for the most part but I do get phone calls from teachers and parents about his semi hurtful behavior towards other students.  
I feel like our emotional life at home is dictated by him.  He is grumpy and rude and insolent and he argues everything we say.  It is sooooo frustrating.  When reading the other posts I saw the one about monitoring his movies and computers...the funny thing is we don't have a television nor does he get to play the computer very often.  He does have a nintendo DS but he only plays it an hour each weekend day.  His friends at school also have the same rules...for the most part.  
I came on this site to see if anyone had any suggestions.  I so want our family life to be fun and friendly and caring.  
Sometimes I feel like he is trying to teach me about myself.  I can be rude and mean to my husband when I am tired or sick...or annoyed.  I have a hard time with my own personality defaults - how am I supposed to expect any better from my 9 year old?
My son is never happy with the status quo - he is always wanting more than what he has - never happy with what he already does has.  I need a solution...I need a way to make this better.  
Help!  

[catherine41]

I have the same problem with my eight year old girl. It is amazing to hear that other families also have the exact same scenarios in their households. I just wonder where I went wrong and how to correct the problem. She also have a younger sibling age 6 that does not exhibit these behaviors.

[smellysocks]

Please note: my husband displays respect of & to me and also experiences this problem with our child, we don't have concerns with any of his friends, he rarely watches tv and his online activities do not include violence etc.

After a recent confusing bout with our son I googled something about opposing behaviour (can't remember exactly) but I came across a number of pages describing 'oppositional behaviour' and the link below has some techniques we've started applying.

http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/ODD/ODD.html

I'm not into labells and this may not address the needs of your situation but you may wish to consider it.

It's early days for us yet and indeed as I write this my son has become frustrated with something he's been doing and now he is commencing the buildup pattern of trying to 'pick a fight'.  We will apply our new found knowledge and see how we go!

Cheers

[coolas]

Here's my theory..  I call it 'first child syndrome' and unfortunately, it's all the parents' fault!  Many first time parents are just (understandably) clueless and end up being way too sensitive and concerned about their first born, fussing and indulging and generally stressing out and over compensating.

I know several children like this and they are ALL the first born.  They were just catered to way too much in the early developmental years..All the tears and tantrums were taken far too seriously... My sister has a son like this - he is soooooo rude!  But I remember when he was a baby, he would cry for food and so my sister would shovel it in his mouth as fast as she could..  when he fell over or hurt himself in any way, she was so fussy and over protective - she indulged him ALL the time as a baby and unfortunately this has had far reaching consequences.  

I don't know what the solution is to this - I would love to know because she is also at her wits end.  I have witnessed this behavior and it is awful!  He is just extremely self-centered and selfish and I am convinced it is because of how my sister was when he was a baby..

[smellysocks]

beware generalisations

[Vals_Family]

It is amazing to read such similar circumstances in other families!  It's nice to know we aren't alone!  I am wondering what consequenses that other people use for their 10 year old boys that display this behaviour.  Our problem is that he will completely ignore what we say, or say yes just appease us and then not do what we ask and then say that he "forgot"!  So frustrating!  I never was grounded when I was young and I am wondering what peoples version of grounded is.  Do you make them stay in their room and not aloud to do anything?  Any information would be helpful!  Thank you!

[coolas]

I know what I said was a generalization, but I'll bet in 9 out of 10 cases, I am correct.  I know personally of 6 different eldest children who all exhibit this behavior.  When I talk to the parents about how they were when they first became parents; they all give exactly the same story.. Nervous, anxious, clueless, over-indulgent..   I really do think that how we are as parents and what kind of energy we exude in those first few formative years is vitally important and has a huge impact on the emotional development of the child.  I'm not trying to play the blame game, just what I have observed with all these kids, including my nephew.  

[TheKey]

Mine is the same at 11 years old - he is not a first child but is the first son. My first and third children (girl and boy) do not behave like he does and are generally very respectful. I am at my wits ends. He does not behave like this with anyone else including his Dad, except that he is verbally mean to his little brother and has started to disrespect his older sister. He is making minimal effort at school unless his teachers come down hard on him. He makes almost zero effort at home. EVERYTHING is a disagreement just for the sake of it. I have noticed that when he is alone with me he is not as bad but unfortunately I cannot exclude my other children. He has always been very demanding.By the way my husband (his Dad) is a great Dad and role model and we have a very stable, loving, home.

All of us need advice on this issue as we love our sons. Can anyone help constuctively.?!!

[jenni75]

I do feel slightly better reading all these posts...it seems we're not alone in this, and maybe it's just a phase we're all going through together. I came here looking for advice and it seems we're all still looking for some help! My son just turned 10 and we've always had a difficult time with him being the class clown at school or being figity and we get calls from the teacher about his disruptive behavior. (Usually just the first half of the year) Now it's turned into storytelling to the point where we can't even believe a word he says anymore. He's gotten in trouble for being disrespectful at school, lying about homework being done or other things. He's the same with me at home too. Not so much his dad. His Dad has a temper and I have a feeling that's not helping the matter. I'd like us all to go to counceling together, but my husband isn't up for it. (So it's more like dealing with two children!) So my son's just recently gotten in-school suspension twice now for not following rules and as a result was kicked-off the Mathletics team at school. He's a smart kid...near the top of his class in reading and math so it's such a shame. I don't know what to do. I feel like we're always punishing him. We plan rewards for him for the good stuff and before we get to it, he's done something else so bad, that we have to cancel those plans. He's missed birthday parties, outings with friends...it never ends. He actually says he needs more attention, but I think he gets quite a bit for the fact that we have two children. We plan days just for him and I or he and his Dad so we can spend more time with him, but...as everyone mentioned too, he's the first born son. He wants ALL our attention. So I'm looking forward to someone posting some advice on how to deal with this "first born" syndrome! I don't think this is the total solution, but it must be a big part of it! Dad needs to get on board too, but how do I convince a stubborn 37 year old that he's part to blame for this and so am I for being the "softy". Does anyone else have this problem? I have a 4 year old too and don't want to go through this again in 6 years!

[witsend011]

It has been three weeks since I was last in this forum seeking help for my 11-year-old son and my family.  I felt compelled to get back on here and thank smellysocks for the link that was offered http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/ODD/ODD.html.  The information in this article has transformed me and my husband's relationship with my son.  I won't get into the details of how horribly bad things had gotten in our household, but I PROMISE that we were at out wits end and I was afraid my only solutions were divorce or sending my child away.  For me, I couldn't live with either of those choices.  All I can say is that I'm not a perfect parent.  I am not a stay at home mom.  My husband (the stepdad) and I had to be committed together to changing and opening ourselves up to the information contained in the article.  I think the "tactics" in the article have shocked my son's system and thrown him for a loop - we aren't doing what he is anticipating.  We are hugging him in the beginning of an argument!!!  What the hell!!!  Please don't roll your eyes at it until you try it (yeah, I've been there too).  I don't have the ADD or ADHD child, but I swear to you that once my husband and I committed to changing and consistency, we have seen a truly miraculous change.  Please give it a try...I'm still stunned by our results.

[specialmom]

Oh I am so pleased that you are having success!  Thank you for coming back to tell us.  I don't have quite the issues here but always read what I can regarding parenting.  I'll check out the website and am truly happy that you are having success with your boy and things are more peaceful!!  Continued luck to you.

[Athena_M]

Wow that was a great article.  I couldn't find the article through witsend's link, but I found it through smelly socks link.  This article will help alot of parents with children with oppositional behaviors it even talks about what everyone was saying that these children are well behaved in front of others.  It talks about raising the self esteem of your child through praise when they are doing something right and about enjoying a hobby with them.  It also says to let your child know you love them at least 4 times a day.  Thank you smellysocks!

[smellysocks]

Dear witsend011,

I'm very pleased things are working for you - thanks should go to Tilman Sheets and whomever made the article available online :-)

I've bought a Ripstick which my son and I are sharing and learning to ride together.  The other night, as I gave him a cuddle goodnight, I said how much I was enjoying Ripstiking with him and he glowed with pleasure.

I've also been hugging my son as he works himself up for an argument with me which enables us both to become a bit more clear headed and reasonable, giving more real options, telling I love him several times a day and 'not sweating the small stuff'.  It all adds up and cost nothing - except I'll be up for the cost of another Ripstik 'cause I can't get a look in on the one we have.

I keep a copy of the article in the 'important' pile of papers on my desk and reread it to occassionally to refresh myself.

Best wishes,  Smellysocks

[AhTheBoys79]

WOW, I'm so relieved to actually hear that it's not just our family going thru this.  Our is slightly different as we have 7 and 9 year old disrespectful boys.  The 9 year old turns 10 in September but I feel like they are both about 13 years old with their behaviour.  I have found like everyone else that the disrespect and bad behaviour is normally when they are at home except for last week.  My 7 year old 'exploded' at school when someone called him a nasty name in the classroom, he then called them a 'boob lady', which he got in trouble with his teacher.  It was when another boy said something to him (which wasn't very nice) and he went off his nut.  Screaming, saying he hates school and then burst into tears. He headed to the door to leave but his teacher stopped him before he got there (he would have been out that door and gone!!) Lucky I had mentioned to his teaacher at the beginning of the year what could happen). This is the first time that he's ever done anything wrong at school, so I really feel that we need to address the problem. As everyone else has mentioned my boys are also exceptional at school, both also being School Council Captains.  This weekend just gone, I would say has been the worst.  Both the boys are so disrespectful towards my husband and I, especially when asked to do something whether it be to have a shower, make their bed, feed the cat or god forebid put some toys away!  I disgussed it with my husband and hoping that this would help - I decided to pack a bag and leave the house.  I was gone for about 5 hours still with communication with my husband as to what was happening.  I ended up coming home as my kids didn't even care that I wasn't coming back - I've decided that they really do dislike me. Even when I returned they didn't even talk to me or acknowledge that I was there. Our kids always seem to be fighting and the 7 year old is the one that most of the time hurts the 9 year old.  Then of course the older one gets fed up with being hurt so then hurts the younger one, then the tears start.  The 7 year old is alway saying that he's going to run away so much so that we've had to put a alarms on the doors so we know if he's left, then the chase is on as he's so quick sometimes we have to get the older son to catch him.  I would have to say that at least twice a week my kids have me in tears as to what they have said or done, it's that hurtful. We didn't decide to have kids so that we could be hurt and degraded all the time.  I understand that there are the ups and downs but god there's alot of downs about 95% down, which is alot.   We ended up over a month ago now taking the kids playstation, Nintendo DS's and computers away from them but even that hasn't helped.  My husband and I just don't know what to do anymore and we are finding it really hard on each other trying to deal with it - nothing seems to work.  We really, really need some help - PLEASE if anyone can helps us before it's too late.....

[smellysocks]

I urge you to have a look at the paper at

http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/ODD/ODD.html

while everyone's situation is unique it may have something useful for your situation; I found it very useful and that remaining calm and firm and using a polite, reasoning tone works wonders.  The rudness won't go away entirely but it changes for the better and you feel better about yourself.

Cheers,  Smellysocks

[julesma]

My husband and I have a similar situation. We have two girls, 6 & 5. The older sister has always displayed leadership qualities and strives to be first, best, older, the boss, etc. While the youger sibling is generally cooler and calmer, but not without fault.
Our pediatrician recommended a book to us when the kids were toddlers.
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

This book changed the way we thought about behaviour and consequences. We both knew we didn't want to spank or yell. This book re-enforces our ideas and gives examples and clear guidelines. More than anything, the key is to start young, remain calm, be consistant, and remain CALM. Hard to do when kids are yelling and arguing, badgering and testing.
Still, we struggle. I think part of it is personallity, another part learned behavior, and sibling rivalry plays a big role.

Another thing that's good for both parent and child is to share some one-on-one time. I'm sure all parents can see the benifit of spending time (going shopping, to a movie or dinner) with just one child. Thus eliminating the vying for attention. This makes the kids feel special and helps us bond. We look forward to these times alone.

I found this forum today after another trying morning filled with back-talk and eye-rolling and taking away privilages. I guess I was in search of answers and I've discovered it's up to me as a parent to keep setting a positive example. Have frank discussions about how negative behavior effects everyone, but keep it short and to the point. Keep doing what I'm doing, I think there is hope. I'm glad I'm not alone.

[Uncertain328]

I must admit that I feel somewhat relieved to hear all of your stories, since I've struggled with having to witness my boyfriend's daughter talk down to him and his parents for the past three years. She's now 11 and the behavior only seems to get worse. My boyfriend always attributed it to her ADHD, yet as many of you have mentioned, she's completely lovable and polite in school, at friends' houses, and in public around strangers, yet when she speaks to him or close relatives, she gets snippy, talks back, or has all-out demonic yells in objection to whatever he asks of her. He can't even have a casual conversation with her about school or life without her copping an attitude and giving him answers in a rude and nasty tone.

He'll pretty much walk on egg shells just to avoid any sort of confrontation with her, which I think has progressively worsened the problem. My sister is close to the same age as her, and she doesn't act like that, so I figured that it was just the ADHD, but then, after having a sleepover for her birthday party, I discovered that this appears to be more of a generational thing, at or least the result of a previous generation's indulgences.

This group of 11 year old girls were the rudest, most selfish, disrespectful girls I have ever seen in my life! It's one thing to be rude to your own parents, but these girls were talking down to me as if I were their slave, giving attitudes, and even laughing at me behind my back when I would ask them to do something (like throwing away their candy wrappers or keeping their voices down when it got late). I was in such shock I didn't even know how to react, especially because they weren't my kids, or even my kid's friends. The most surprising common element was that these girls all come from the wealthiest town in the county. Many are the daughters of lawyers, doctors, and prestigious community leaders.

Which is why my theory is "Generation Me." The kids that are now coming of age, for the most part, were brought up by those who lived through the "decade of decadence" in the 80's--the ones who longed for luxury and success. Perhaps in turn, these parents wanted to "give their children a better life," and mistakenly gave them everything they wanted instead, including full control. Maybe society instilled these desires for consumerism and self-importance into these children, with all of the ads promoting material items in an attempt to make you believe you not only deserve it, but you NEED it!

While teens & adolescents have always been sterotyped as rebellious, smart-mouthed, and invincible, I think these kids have taken it to a whole different level. They are selfish, rude, greedy, and self-centered. They think they are better than everyone, all that matters is their own selfish desires, and everyone should cater to them. It's all about ME, ME, ME and MORE, MORE, MORE! They ask for presents that cost $500-$1000; the presents I used to put on my wish list were about $20-$50, and I wouldn't be dissappointed if I didn't get something. He bought his daughter a cell phone, an I-Pad, a TV, and can you believe you can't EVER go to the store without her asking for something else,as if that other stuff is just garbage!? I didn't get a cell phone until I was 19 and that's because I bought it myself!

I tried to tell my boyfriend to set limits and/or rewards for his daughter's behavior, like, when he allows her to go to a friend's house and she returns with a nasty attitude because she didn't want to leave, then tell her that she won't be allowed to go to anyone else's house again as long as she continues to act like that. This only works for short periods of time though, because he often forgets to stay consistent & follow through. I also try to teach her humbling lessons about humanity and the world to help her realize there's more to life than herself and everything she asks for costs money, but again, these lessons would be more successful if coming from a parent and on a consistent basis. So as somewhat of a stepparent, I'm at a loss, but I know that when I have children I will not tolerate these behaviors AT ALL or at ANY AGE!

[sbrande]

I have a similar situation with my 10 y.o. son except for the fact that he behaves poorly at school and occasionally at home. He is extremely intelligent and if he doesn't like a task set for him at school, or thinks it is too simple, he will throw himself on the floor and start hitting himself in the head.

He wants to be first in everything, wants to boss around everyone at school (not me though as he KNOWS that I won't take it) and therefore only has a few close friends.

He threatens to kill himself at least once a week, also saying that nobody likes him and he has no friends. Hits himself repeatedly in the head and generally throws a tantrum if things don't go his way. He always comes and says he is sorry, but I feel as though he isn't as it will happen again the next day.

His younger brother is the exact opposite of him and feels embarrassed when he acts this way.

I am a stay at home, single mum, and this has really reached it's toll.

I took him to get a catscan yesterday, to rule out any medical conditions, and he has had blood work done which came back with a low white blood cell level. So he will be going back in September to get another one done.

He has been to see a psychologist in year 1 (he is currently in year 4 though this has been him his whole life) and a psychiatrist, but other then a case of anxiety and borderline depression they were both at a loss to give me a definite answer.

He is not disrespectful towards me at all and when I sit down and talk to him he says that he can not control his temper and feels like a black cloud is descending upon him right before the incident happens.

I am worried about him as when he does become a teenager what is to stop him from carrying out his threat of harming himself?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. It looks like it is back to the psychologist for me and my son.

[EdwinRaffle]

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) involves a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity and impulsivity. Usually children with ADHD are of school age before their parents seriously suspect that they may have a problem and have an evaluation done. However, children aged four years and older can be successfully tested and diagnosed for ADHD. If you observe the following behaviors in your school-age child over a six-month period you may wish to begin the evaluation process:

Impulsivity (At least three of the following):

Often acts before thinking
Shifts excessively from one activity to another
Has difficulty organizing work
Needs a lot of supervision
Frequently calls out in class
Has difficulty awaiting turn in games or group situations
Acts arrogant

Inattention (At least three of the following):

Often fails to finish things he or she starts
Often doesn't seem to listen
Is easily distracted
Has difficulty concentrating on schoolwork or other tasks
Has difficulty sticking to a play activity

Hyperactivity (at least two of the following):

-Runs about or climbs on things excessively
-Has difficulty sitting still or fidgets excessively
-Has difficulty staying seated
-Moves about excessively during sleep
-Is always 'on the go' or acts as if 'driven by a motor'

Only qualified, experienced professionals should conduct an evaluation. Behavior problems in children can also be caused by other things such as stressful life situations and learning disabilities. Inexperienced or unqualified "experts" can misdiagnose the problem. A questionnaire filled out by parents and teachers is not enough for an ADHD diagnosis--careful observations and assessments of the child must also be conducted.

How do you locate qualified professionals for evaluation? Start with your own local doctor. The local pediatrician will do some preliminary screening to rule out physical problems that can cause attention problems. Standard vision and hearing tests are in order and referrals to specialists may be needed. If no physical causes are found, the pediatrician may refer you to a more specialized physician, such as a developmental pediatrician (a pediatrician specializing in how children develop mentally and physically), a child psychiatrist, a pediatric neurologist, or a behavioral pediatrician (a pediatrician specializing in childhood behavior).

If your pediatrician diagnoses your child as ADHD and recommends medication without going through the above referral process, you will want to insist that further testing and consultation be done before accepting that diagnosis.

You will want to assemble a team to assess your child's difficulty and needs. Who should be on the team? Your child's team may consist of from two to five or six professionals. Depending on your child's needs, the team may include:


-Developmental pediatrician
-Child psychologist
-Learning disabilities specialist
-Neurologist
-Physical therapist
-Speech therapist
-Social workers
-Behavioral pediatrician
-Classroom teacher

What Causes ADHD?
There is no single cause of ADHD. It is defined by symptoms, not by its cause. There are a large number of biological or neurological events that singly or in combination can cause a person to be unable to pay attention and to be overactive. ADHD is not caused by poor parenting skills. While children will often have a reaction to certain foods consumed, this intolerance does not cause ADHD and following a specific diet, such as the Feingold Diet, has not proven to alter ADHD symptoms. Research also shows that sugar does not cause hyperactivity.

Many factors can cause children to have problems paying attention besides an attention deficit disorder. Family problems, stress, discouragement, drugs, physical illness and learning difficulties can all cause problems that look like ADHD, but really aren't.

Regardless of the cause, ADHD is thought to be associated with a disturbance in functioning of neurotransmitters in the brain. Neurotransmitters are natural body chemicals that transfer information from one brain cell to another.

[specialkg]

I too have had the same problem with my almost 10 year old daughter. I did the counselling thing. they said that children act out like that because they are not yet aware of how to handel all their emotions. and they do it to you because they are the most comfortable with you.  My partner has had it and says he is tired of hearing the bickering, and the way she talks to me. I then realized that i am playing into her game. and didn't even realize it. I have to learn that when it happens I do not respond. and when it continues there will be consiquenses. I feel for all the parents I know the frustration. but I have to pray that it will come to an end. I have to stay consistent and patient...It seems to me as i read all the posts that it is definately an age thing. Because no matter the type of house hold or situation we all are having the same issues. So we need to be strong and help our kids through this transitional time of the TWEENS

[camerronm77]

My ten year old son is alot like the boys that are described on here, the only difference is hes so sweet at times, but he doesn't want to make friends, he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't want to participate in anything.  We have moved a few times and this I know is hard on him, but he won't even try.  He wants to play video games all the time.  I have taken his video games away because he acts like a crack addict.  We will let him have an hour, and the entire rest of the day is spent arguing on whether or not he could get back on the game, followed by fits and complaining that he's so bored with his life.  He doesn't want to attend school, he'd rather be home because he thinks there will be an opportunity to play the game.  He lives in a fantasy world even making up violent stories that him and his friends battle with monsters. I have never allowed him to play violent games.  He's very disrespectful to teachers, he doesn't like any of them.  We have had him throw chairs at teachers, he's threatened to cut a teachers throat before and this was two years ago.  His teacher last year told me that he was going to end up being like one of those boys who were involovlved in the columbine shooting.  We put him in counseling and anger management, NOTHING is working.  He hates his life, he hates other children, he's VERY hateful towards his sister.  He does what we ask however complains about everything unless it involves some kind or game or tv or computer.  My in laws mentioned to me a couple months ago that he lives in his game world, he was talking to his nana about chopping off  heads and this woman is 77 years old.  Everything we do requires close supervision because he is sure to skip over and do everything as little as he can get away with.  I am losing it, the other day his behavior upset me so bad I had a panic attack......does anyone know what is going on with my son...is there anyway to help him?

[shar422]

I always thought I was the only parent of a 10 year old that disrespects his parents. Hes an only child. Is excellent for everyone but us. He actually is somewhat shy. He talks back, very disrespectful, already has an attitude. Sometimes I feel like I have 5 kids instead of one. He wears me down. But then other times he can be so sweet. Its the attitude and the disrespect that drives me crazy. I hate to say it when he acts like this I just want to disappear, Any Suggestions. I thought only teens were supposed to act like this.

[whitsend131]

I was so relieved to find that so many other families are going through the same thing we are, relieved but saddened too that no one really seemed to have an answer.  My oldest son (11) has always been combative with me and my husband, and like most of you its goes in cycles and it’s ONLY with us.  At school, with friends, grandparents he is an angel!  At home he acts like the devil.  It is exhausting for everyone in the house, I imagine even for him. I read the information on ODD and believe that is likely what is happening - I have tried some of those techniques for dealing with behavior (talking away activities) and boy let me tell you how he made us suffer for that!  I have always been a strong person, but I will admit - he is stronger. It’s as if he has his own gravitational pull that consumes the entire house!  He has convinced his grandmother that we are mistreating him.  This has caused even more tension in the family.  Weird thing about our situation is once he causes a big blow up; he is perfect and happy until the cycle starts over again.  I’m hoping that someone will find the magic technique to stop the madness – until then I hope people will continue to post what works and what doesn’t.

[aekrams]

I am having problems with my 11 yr. old son on a daily!  He has been diagnosed with adhd and I realize this is a hard thing for him to go through, but I also have adhd and have never taken anything for it. I have taught myself how to manage my behaviors so I know it's possible to function and live a normal life. I recently took my son off of the medication because he wasn't growing like a normal child. He was getting my 7 yr old son's hand me downs! I have done this and now he's finally growing, now what do I do with this child that is out of control? I'm watching his behaviors and I know that boys are going to be hyper to a degree, so I'm really concerned that he's too hyper I think it's more of an attitude situation now. He's just a MEAN kid! So I'm having a conflict here, should I put him back on the drug that takes the fun and light out of my child and put him in a state of not growing and a zombie like mind or do I try to do everything in my power to figure out what my other options are to keep my 11 yr old son functional to the world and not sleeping when he's awake?

[Athena_M]

Please try the Feingold diet.  It's a diet known to help children with ADHD.  It eliminates food dyes and chemicals in foods that children react to.  It also eliminates things like apples.
You can also try giving him protein with every meal.  

[j7rj7r]

oh my god- i am so glad i typed this in- i thought i was the only one on this planet with a child like this- we have a boy turning 10 in 2 days and he is so rude, disrespectful, hurtful and grumpy- he wakes up in a terrible mood a good portion of the time and argues about everything- it is truly insane- our other 2 (7 1/2 and 8 1/2) are used to his dramatic blow-ups every morning but it is truly a horrible way to start the day- he even kicked me in the shins today when i said "okay, for swearing at me, you lose a dollar" as we have implimented a weekly allowance system whereby you start with $10 and each infraction costs  $1- swearing, physical fighting etc would lose $1 - when i told him he lost $1 he kicked me! i was mortified! now his 8 1/2 year old brother just said some horrible things about my husband and i feel soooooooooo upset by all this- how could our kids have gone so wrong???????

[mikkimoomaas]

My 13 year old son has just been excluded from school for one and a half days for being rude to his teacher. This is not the first time it has happened and I was at my wits end on how to learn how to control his temper and behaviour towards me (I am a single mum). I (luckily) stumbled across this forum and I am going to implement what smellysocks has done. I just want to say a massive THANK YOU for the Tilman Sheet link smellysocks, I know it will help me endlessly. I have been trying for years to get the psychological help that he has needed and this hits the nail on the head. I have been trying to get help for him but 'no-one' seems to know how to handle or help him. He wont go to counselling (there's a surprise!) either. For years he has also got away with being like this at school because they cant reinforce anything due to all the 'nonsense' about not being able to punish in school. I hate the way he is being 'rewarded' by being off school for today and tomorrow! What message does that send him from the school???? He has had a hard life, with his dad being in and out of his life, an abusive relationship that I was in with an ex boyfriend that we had to move counties to get away from him. So yes, life has been tough in the past  and I know that it what it stems from but now we are all settled and trying to look ahead rather than backwards. He has a younger brother and sister who are both fine and do not use this technique of behaviour (which is a massive relief). Now it is time to move on and get him into positive thinking, rather than getting away with all this self destructive behaviour........Once again, THANK YOU smellysocks for the link, I know it will prove invaluable in my life and also my son's life :o)

[terri859]

Wow, I also have a 10 year old Middle child who is the most kind wonderful person around everyone except his immediate family. One thing that helps is running, when he starts getting aggresive (aggressive) I have him run around our block. about 50% of the time he is a new and wondeful person when he returns (1/2 mile to a mile). While he is gone I catch my breath and calm down. When he leaves he tells me he hates me, can't wait till I die, plays like he shoots himself in the head, he pulls out all the stops. each lap is 1/4 mile and i give him 3 minutes to complete them. Staying outside and clapping and saying good job also helps alot. I still have alot of bad behavior to deal with but this is something that does help. I know I need to hug him when he's hateful but he wears me down. Lately he had been threatening to turn us in for child abuse (we don't hit him or spank him) but if you touch him, bump him, anything, he freaks out and says you intentally abused him. This is new and very worrysome. Last night I looked into Military boarding school (you have to be in 8th grade). I feel sad for him because he wants to be loved but he is so mean.

[nixsta80]

I'm a 30 year old female and the first born child.I have was exactly like the children here that you are describing as is now my 11 turning 12 year old first born son.  My mother has struggled for 30 years to explain why my behaviour was the way it was. As have I. I have been told that I have manic depression or bi-polar disorder..well a lot of things really.. It just seems to depend on who you seek help from.The funny thing is that going through this with my own son one would think that I'd be better equipped to deal with him.. But the honest answer is i don't understand myself sometimes.I think I still experience these episodes in my life to this day, although I have learned to cope for the most part. The more I read into Bi-Polar disorder the more I am starting to identify with. I have 3 children and like most of you my 1st son is the only one with the symptoms. He is violent towards his siblings, disrespectful to everyone he speaks to in this family.. arrongant and cries whenever punished.. he has also taken to banging his head against walls and trying to choke himself.. I am also at wits end but can't seem to find the right people to help me let alone my son.. Although I have been violent in the past and can be provoked when in a rage I am a normally.. a very loving compassionate person.. my son is almost always grumpy and unapproachable, and violent towards his siblings... He even tells our pets to get away unless he wants to pat them and then he is over the top with love for them. severe mood shifts and frequently

[lookingforideas]

Thank you all for being so forthcoming about your struggles...as a Mom with a 9 y/o daughter who has changed into someone I barely recognize over the past year, I am comforted by hearing your stories.  For me, this is a difficult topic to discuss with friends because despite my frustrations with my daughter, I do not want others to go into a situation with her with this "information" as their backdrop, especially if they have children her age.  Also, unfortunately, while some teachers are sympathetic and want to help, others will use this information as ammunition to make our children the scapegoat, and I have encountered teachers who do both. I have learned I must be very, very careful in what I share with schools and teachers, as I am wary of my child being pigeon-holed or stereotyped as being a "problem".  When there is an issue at school, I listen and respond carefully but NEVER volunteer too much information.
That being said, I loved the article on oppositional defiant behavior suggested by smellysocks. It gave me hope, and I really identified with several of the comments. I loved what was said about identifying our "buttons" as parents and recognizing when our child is attempting to achieve his/her desired result by pushing them (whether subconsciously or not).  This is the first thing I am going to do! My daughter is very, very bright, (probably smarter than I am!) which makes it all the more difficult for me to communicate. And she is so oppositional, she will actually argue with me when I use compliments, praise, positive suggestions, etc!!
Also, I feel I have almost experienced a loss of sorts, loss of the relationship we used to have, and the sweet and caring girl she used to be. It is often hard for me to identify the empathetic, loving little girl in the child I now see every day, and coping with that change has been so hard and often depressing.  I just pray she is still in there and if we just take her for who she is now, and change the way we do things and the way we react to her, we will see more frequent glimpses of that sweetness again someday.
I also wanted to respond to the post from the parent whose son had moved several times and he was becoming withdrawn. We moved a lot while I was growing up, and I just wanted to say please do not underestimate the emotional difficulty this process can involve. I once read that moving is the most emotionally difficult event for a child to deal with, third only to death of a loved one and divorce. So imagine what it is like to have this experience reapeated throughout childhood.  It has had repercussions for me even as an adult, I feel them every day. There is so much loss involved every time a family moves, it sounds like your child has learned that a fantasy world is safer and much more reliable and trustworthy than his reality. I had loving parents who did their very best, as we all do, and I definitely do not want to make you feel bad... I just wanted to suggest you acknowledge to yourself and your child how incredibly difficult these experiences have been, and deal with them in the way you would the other major, life-altering events -- take them just that seriously.

[pugnut]

Hi.  Just wanted to say that I read all these postings, and unlike many of you, my daughter is the one who has the issues...and she is our second child, NOT the first.  lookingforideas: My daughter is 9 as well and her defiant and disrespectful behavior is why I found this site in the first place.  She used to be so fun, so loving, so pleasant and cooperative and ...so Easy.  Not now.  She seems lazy and rude, and mean to me, and totally UNLOVING to her older brother (who is 11) and she definitely seems "entitled".  I try to spend quality time with just her..I take her places for just her and I, I buy her things, try to do fun activities with her, and tell her I love her every single day!  But as soon as she hears 1 little thing she DOESN'T want to hear, all hell breaks loose!  She is very mean to me...and it breaks my heart.   I will read that link from smelly socks and try to incorporate some of those ideas you all spoke about.  
If anyone else has other ideas on how or why these kids change, I'd like to hear it.   My daughter is great in school, and has many friends, is NOT a TV or gaming addict by any means, ....so sometimes I think she is just testing.   BUT, she rarely does this with my husband...it's mostly directed right at me.   She sees it really hurts me.
I honestly don't know what to do...and I have tried everything.
HELP!

[jojo34677]

my 9yr old son is very disrespectful,uses foul language,is an excellent student at school,however he will try and embarrass you in public.. he is on honor roll,he says any and everything at home,no kind of remorse what so ever. he doesn't mind reading and doesn't care if you put him on punishment or take things away from him. i have a 8yr old daughter who is a great child,never acts up and says she is embarrassed by her brothers obnoxious behavior. what to do? i am a single mom and doing the best i can. i try and give and love. i am involved in Church and the kids are too. i feel like a new gray hair grows in everyday since he turned 9 in december.

[terri859]

I wanted to update you all on my son. After posting in Jan we chose to put our son on ADD medicine. At first everything was wonderful, he was his old self. Over the next two months he stopped sleeping and became a very scary person. I told the doctor that he had mentioned a few times it would be best if I was dead. We took him off the meds and now give him fish oil.
If he has an over stimulating day or we let him spend too much time away from routine he is impossible to get along with. Running or walking around the block is a great tool to defuse and let everyone catch a breath. After he runs we talk about behavior.
Our psychiatrist thinks he is emotionally immature and can't make quick changes. We try to stick to a routine and if something is going to happen, We make sure that he is well prepared.
When he is raging I focus on simple instructions and avoid buying into his issues. I give him a lap and give him 3 minutes to get outside and start. I also tell him that he will get another lap or loose a privilege if he doesn't meet the goal. I never listen to exactly what he's saying when he's raging (after his run he is a different person.)
I want running to become a lifetime tool for him, I don't want him to tell his wife or friends off and end up alone.
Still just taking one day at a time.

[shabina786]

i too have had enough with my son everyday he wakes up with a grin on his face and says he is fedup with his sisters because his the only son and makes an issue with nearly every converstion we have but imglad im not the only one who is going through this there are other people are going through the same but i guess this is just part of groing up it will soon fade away.

[judemarie]

My son is 10 years old, he is very unthourghtful and arrogant towards me and my partner, he wants everything his own way and gets argumentitive if not. if he's been punishished it has no effect, he does his punishment then returns to his rude brash self, he is very cocky and questions everything i say telling me im wrong if he doesnt like what i say, he has be in frustrated tears on a regular basis, although this does not bother him either, he always says sorry but it feels like he dont actually mean it, n minutes later hes forgotten n is disruptive again, he gets worse wen i have family or friends round n does his best to humiliate me and embarrass me. i also have a 7 years old daughter, who dispite her tantrums n mardiness is a really sweet and loving girl, although my son is always harrassing her, winding her up, sayin horrible things, they argue over the lunch table, on way to school, he cant play with her cause hes very dommeneering n always telling her what to do, they cant play a game, because he always has to win n if he doesnt its like war of the worlds, please some one, i want this to stop before he becomes a teenager n i loose control totally. thanks.

[coward67]

My kid (first born) is nearly 9 and can make family life tough for all the family. He doesn't get much T.V. or computer or DS (which he only got recently).  When he doesn't get his own way he goes ballistic.   His sister is totally the opposite kind, happy and chilled out.  He has always been like this and never gets invited on any play dates or to birthday parties.  Sometimes I wonder if he suffers from depression as my brother suffers and I'm on high alert.  Any help would be grateful.  

[margypops]

To the last 3 posters above read  terri859 on exercise ... try the method he mentions exercise is very good for children who are overly active ..Meds do cause many behaviors,  if yours are on Meds ask the Doctor before you take them off,the meds. I agree that supplements are good  ,it has been shown by experts that anti oxidants Vit C and Vit B Complex are helpful to these children good luck

[Fauxr]

I have an 11 year old son.  I love him.  When he's good it's great, however, he has been acting up for a couple of years now wanting a popular Xbox shooter game. We purchased it for him and had to take it away due to the violent content swearing etc... He has a couple of friends that have it.  He literally hates us now.  Nothing goes through his fixated mind, but this game and getting it back.  He sat there one night throwing cherry pits at me from across the room.  I made him pick them up.  He says "NO!" when I ask him to do things.  Just last night after his temper tantrum, he went up to my kitchen knives and gestured with his hands that he just wanted to stab himself all because life is nothing without this game.   We are going to see yet an other psychologist this week.  

[margypops]

You were quite right to remove the game , these games are very bad for children and they shouldn't get them ..It could be he is influenced by the friends who do have the game , does he use it when he is at their house . Throwing stuff at you is plain wrong and he should have consequences for it,is his Dad in the picture maybe some stern words and removal of another privilege is in order. I would also say you are doing the right thing in taking him for professional help .good luck

[kccookie]

I can relate to everyone's comments...I have a 13 yr. old boy and a 11 yr. old girl. My son is a great student and never gives any issues at school but as for his mouth and attitude at home, is just too much. I have read so many different articles and spoke to the behaviorist at school and everyone has different suggestions to try. The latest article I have read says not to take away their things...and try to talk to them. If the child becomes rude then to say "it seems like they are having a hard time with something...can I help with anything?" then drop it and get out of the conversation. The article also states that the child is looking for a fight...they might be afraid of something. And as for the video games....I really don't believe it has to do with the attitudes of children...maybe a few but my son hasn't touched his games in months and the attitude is still there.

[momofonegreatkid]

I have an 11 year old boy..He is our first born and only child..With that said, Yes, it is true we may have catered to him due to lack of experience and the older he got the more run of the rules he has HAD...My son was bullied in elementary school, had a severe speech challenge, which is no longer a problem, so with these two things we felt guilty more than discipline.  It is every parents responsibility to discipline in a loving yet stirn way...There has to be set rules and BOTH mom and dad need to be 100% involved no matter what. Or have multiple people in the family or close friends to be the disciplinary. Staying calm is one thing that most parents have a hard time with.  If your child is back talking in anyway, that is not acceptable behavior..They must respect us...Although, all kids at this age are finding their own identity, adults need us to help them with that.  If you are having a tone in your voice when you tell your kids to do something, then why should they not carry that same tone when they speak to you...?  As a parent, I feel that kids need to be treated as kids, not adults.  Bedtime is 8 pm, not 8:01. so get routines and schedules so the morning goes smoother..My son has a hard time getting up, he is a deep sleeper, and he still has a hard time here and there, so we changed his bed time and even though there is still minor issues these issues are normal and it is how we deal and react to it as the adults. Parents have got to stop expecting everyday, morning and night is going to be perfect and sometimes go with the flow. if your child is that defiant, seek help. Your physician may have things to suggest, seek his teachers help, sometimes having all the adults on the same page will make your child realize that he has to think before he speaks, acts etc. One thing I have learned is it is very easy to blame other kids that children hang with when in reality it is the parents fault for allowing certain behaviors. kids are not perfect and neither are parents. we are all learning how to deal with eachother. but in reality, love will oversee the bad times. having family night once a week helps children feel important and when they feel important they tend to calm down the negative..All children no matter what age, want to get there own way. but in real life, they have to respect authority...It starts at home, consistently..

[Bigmamma24]

Kids most often respond to we as parents. WE need to find the effective way they will hear our communication. Each child is different and as parents (the adult in control) need to amend the words we use.

[Lulziii]

My ten year old brother is hell on earth. I actually hate him.
I am eleven, I know some have posted about sibling jealously, but I have nine of the attention, because it's all on him, and when ever he's angry or aggrisive he goes to my two year old brother and talks to him. When you disagree with him on something, you went finish the conversation unharmed. He is a monster. Some of you talk about then having for to six week periods wether he its good, but he is angry, aggressive, disrespectful , and rude and violent all the time. I think the longest he has ben without damaging someone our something is about 2 days. I need help, our whole family does. W have a great family, nice house, nice people, its not family our coping his friends bad behaviour, so what is it? He saw a nurse once but refused to see her again, complaining ask she talks about its volcanoes.
He its very bright though, to groups in everything, teachers always day he us very good, he's a dream when he's at school.
Sometimes I walk home slowly stop I don't have to go home, because, basically, if I stand within 2 metres of him, I'm honda get hurt.
Please will someone help me?!??
If anyone has anything please email ***@****
Thank you, please help me!
I'my eleven years old!

[dnll6912]

first off- this message was meant for the whole forum- no just Coolas. sorry about singling out.

I am step mom to a 9 year old boy who lost his mother 2 years ago. Among other traumatic nonsense and moving around. WE HAVE NO OTHER CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE. He doesn't listen to anything. I mean, anything-just like all these other horror stories, mine is miserable and I need an answer. He has been diagnosed with ADHD. His mother was bi-polar. He has never been tested for bi polar disorder. He lies about everything. He wakes up in the morning and gets into everything. We've asked him, we've restricted his access to his things, etc.. nothing works. He always tells me he has no energy. I think he's depressed among adhd and possibly bi polar disorder(not sure) . However, when he goes to his nana's (bio mom's mother) he is always happy and respectful and is full of energy. His lack of energy comes typically when he doesn't want to do something that is asked of him. I sometimes think he hates me, then other times, I know he loves me. We are treading a thin line of love and hate. He doesn't get all the attention in the world because his dad and I both work. I am however home with him when he gets out of school. We do important things together-homework and talking about his day. He does chores-grudgingly and always half way. never the right way and he's been taught a million times. He has a routine that we do every single day. He acts like its something new everyday of our lives. I am lost, his dad doesn't even know how to handle him. His bio mom's family gets all the respect and we are left begging for it-in a sense. Someone with advice-help me!!