10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[citmguth]

My Gosh.  I could have written this email.  Our 91/2 year old son has all of the same behaviors.  He is a beloved student at school, but a terror at home.  He talks like he's 13 years old.  Disrespectful, angry, selfish.  His 7 year old brother is so easy going and fun to be around.  This kid truly makes our home a miserable place to be much of the time.  No punishment, carrot, etc. helps.

I, too, would be interested in thoughts on this.

[nann36]

We have the same problem with our 8 year old son. He has numerous allergies and is asthmatic. We often wonder whether this has contributed somehow to his behaviour problem - similar to sandra5263, his is cyclical too but often every 4 - 6 weeks. Inbetween, he is an absolute angel!

[sboyd7509]

my son is 10yrs old and if i say it nite he would say it day, anyone got some ground rules to handle these know it all children

[sboyd7509]

i'm at a lost on what to do!!!! whenhe woke up this morning he stated to disagree with me on what he should wear, power struggle!! kurt is suppose to get up and do afew things and get dress and face his face and brush his teeth. this is not hardbut he makes our morning  miserable just talking back disagreeing. i don't know what to do.                   help don;t lnow how to help him and make a better life for all of us

[momofoc]

I would say this could have been my email also.  I have an 11 year old son who displays almost the identical bahavior as your child.  All of his teachers and friends' parents think he is the polite and wonderful child.  Our homelife is greatly disrupted because of his behavior.  Our two other children are very enjoyable, but he antagonizes everyone and causes much stress to them and us parents!  I have purchased The Total Transformation and am working my way through the material, but I have not seen any transformation yet!  I would be very interested how others are coping with this.  Right now, I dream of boarding school!

[smellysocks]

yep - could have been my email too!!  We have a boy about to turn 10 and life around him (when at home) is unpleaseant.  So what's the solution?

[namastepaz]

Same here - my 11.5 year old son just told me that he hated me, wished I was dead and that he was going to beat me.  We also have a younger, polite and friendly son that is a joy to be with.  There's a pattern here - everyone that has posted has a first born son that is pure hell and several folks have younger siblings that seem to be the opposite.  There's also the cyclical nature several of us have seen.  

Perhaps there's a sibling jealousy thing going on - that must be part of it.  Another part could be if everyone who has posted is a mom and the dads are being somewhat disrespectful to us.  I think that could give the oldest son a message that the mother does not need to be respected. That is certainly true in my case with my ex-husband.  He actually smirks if he catches my son rejecting me like he 'won'.